WOW - did anyone get the license number of that truck that hit me?!!?

Sorry - took a week or so off. I haven't even turned on this computer since I last posted. CHEMO SUCKS! It hit me the worst from last Friday about 1:30pm until Sunday morning around 10:30. I thought I was ready for about everything but I had no idea how much pain there would be. I never wanted to be dead but I remember thinking at one point that I wouldn't mind if I died. What made it harder was that I couldn't sleep at all during the worst period. I think I slept 4 hours total between Friday and Sunday. I just laid in bed in agony and tylenol didn't help at all - it was crazy how many things can hurt at once and just randomly. I can remember the tops of my feet feeling like they were on fire but at the same time my teeth felt like they were being pulled out with the worst back pain I had ever felt in my life with my joints feeling like they were being pulled apart. And then to top it off my teeth kept clamping shut randomly cutting up whatever was in the way so my mouth was full of blood - I looked like I was eating small rodents or something (too much info?). I so wanted to fall deep asleep and get some relief - I dozed off at one point and dreamt that rats were chewing off my toes I woke up screaming but wished I hadn't since I felt worse in real life. I still can't grasp how bad it got - and I swear I'm not a wimp when it comes to pain. I also had a bit of a temperature that weekend but it never stayed very high so I never called the oncologist like I maybe should have. One good thing - I was never nauseous so was able to eat and drink and keep down meds through all of it which had to help. Plus I spent the weekend sweating like I had run a marathon so I know my body was working overtime to get those poisons out any way it could. After that first chemo treatment my sister told me she was proud of me and that I had just done the hardest thing I will ever do in my life. I'll tell you what - walking back into that place in a week and a half knowing what I know now is going to be mighty tough. New game plan since we now know how I react - some tougher pain medication and something to help me sleep so I can get some relief. And it sure could be easier these next three times - heck just knowing that the pain doesn't last forever will help me psychologically. And boy did the timing did work out - I only missed a couple of hours of work on Friday. Other than that I've been able to work full time since chemo started.

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Since Sunday I've been pretty tired and still in some pain. All of my senses (except hearing for some reason) have changed - it's actually kind of funny though how just about everything about me is different. I think differently, I breathe differently, I taste things differently, everything feels different, Maddie sniffs at me like I smell differently, my limbs work differently, and I change differently. Seems like something different is different every hour or so. One hour I can't quite see right, can't remember what one of my good friends looks like, my tongue and shoulders hurt, and my left knee is sore. The next hour my toenails are killing me, I can't remember what Pringles are, the top of my mouth feels like sandpaper, and my hands are so numb I can hardly move my fingers. Some sick part of me kind of likes to observe all of this just to see what this thing can do to me next. Maybe something fun like making asparagus taste good or invisibility or even a good night's sleep. Anyway, maybe I should say - CHEMO SUCKS DIFFERENTLY!

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So, now I just try my best at work each day and come home and crash. There is such a thing as chemo brain. I'm having a hard time concentrating and get distracted all the time. I've made some easy mistakes at work but now that I know I'm doing them I make sure and triple check my work. I think it's actually helped me to work during this. I love my job and it's a fun challenge every day. So, while it's probably tougher physically (helps though that I'm a desk bound paper pusher) - the mental challenge and distraction has been a God send.

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I had so wanted to get thank you cards out to all of you this weekend. I am so sorry I wasn't able to - so here's another BIG BLOG THANK YOU! and I hope to get them at least started this weekend.