I'm Frustrated

It feels good to be done with 50% of the "bad chemo weekends". On the other hand, I've started to get frustrated with myself. I'm physically / mentally exhausted but I haven't been able to sleep the last couple of nights even with the sleeping pills. I have a ton of things to do and part of my mind is ready to get started and excited to get things done. The other part of my mind forgets who my co-workers are when they come into my office to ask me a question. I try to act like I know what's going on but it's like there's a bee in my brain darting all over the place trying desperately to remember who they are. I hope the absolute panic doesn't show on my face. I'll sometimes start to do something simple like scratching my back and I will find myself frozen in that position with no idea how much time has elapsed. I want to participate in life but at the end of the work day it's all I can do to get something to eat and crawl into bed. And then there's the boils?! Where were they on the chemo side effect list?! Sorry - too much information. I do want to be "positive" "courageous" and a "good example" but heck the highlight of my day today will be if I can successfully get myself out of the bath tub tonight. I found myself complaining to anyone who would listen today and I'm frustrated with myself for doing that also. And here I am complaining to the blog world. Please know that this is not me - or maybe like they say, it's when the chips are down that you see what kind of person you are. Which means it is me. sigh................... another cancer side affect - way too much introspection.