I should say - The Elephant in My Brain.
He moved in the day I was diagnosed. He brought lots of luggage and furniture with him like he meant to be here awhile. I should have taken the time and energy right then to kick him out on his ear. But instead I made the unconscious decision to just try to ignore him even though it was a little tight in there. He seems content most of the time to just hang out in the corner and hum to himself. I think it cracks him up to watch the efforts I go through trying to ignore him. I focus on the physical pain of the operations and chemo, the unexpected financial drain, the thought that now people pity me as "cancer girl", and the just plain inconvenient amount of time cancer takes out of an already busy day. Every once in a while especially when I am unable to sleep at night, he starts to hum a little louder and starts to dance around my head. I just close my eyes and stick my fingers in my ear - lalalala, can't hear you, can't see you, don't want to think about you. He eventually settles back into the corner and takes a nap. I really piss him off and cause him to come out roaring though when I start to spend too much time worrying about the little things - he bugles "you are worried about losing your eyebrows when YOUR CANCER COULD FREAKIN' KILL YOU!!!!?!?!". "You are sad that you can't go out to eat with friends when TWO YEARS FROM NOW YOU COULD BE DYING A HORRIBLE PAINFUL DEATH!??!". This huge elephant gets his panties all in a twist because I don't believe that I could die from breast cancer and therefore I spend very little time worrying about the potential of a fatal end to my newest worstest adventure ever. So, my pachyderm buddy in my head let's get this straight once and for all - I'm going to get through this cancer "treatment" and come out afterwards sassy and smiling and dancing and happy. I'm going to spend the next five years taking my meds and getting my checkups and paying hospital bills. At the end of 2013 I am going to get a clean bill of health. I will be declared "cured", I'll hug my doctor, walk out of the cancer center, and I'll never look back. You might as well move along now because I am no longer going to entertain you or the dark thoughts you brought with you!
4 comments:
wow. you should really take up writing. These posts are great. I hate those elephants. You could easily have this post in some editorial column.
Hi Linda,
Hey, just kick that elephant out. Dead in two year, huh! NO WAY! Okay,that stupid elephant was right there 9 years ago when I received my diagnosis. Stupid thing convinced me I had two years to live. So, he doesn't know jack.
The best part of all of this is the "sisterhood". Oh yes, I actually have a couple of friends who say they almost wish they had breast cancer because the "sisterhood" is so strong.
I love your Maddie, I have a Luna and a Flora. Luna had to be pulled off my feet to eat, she was so concerned those first few weeks. Flora never missed a meal, but it was eat and then back to my side in my bed, on the couch -- whereever I was. There is nothing, nothing that soothes like the love of a dog.
So, as you take this journey, know that each journey after this is sweeter.
Hugs,
Judy Cherry
(friend of Alison Rabinoff)
Hi there, don't know if you remember me. I'm a friend of those great "canyoneering" friends of yours. My name is Debbie. I love your writing. I don't ever think of you as that 'cancer girl' when I'm reading it...I think wow, it's amazing how this strength comes out when we need it most. We all have it...you've just tapped yours. Thanks for reminding me not to sweat the small stuff and to be a toughy in my regular life. I hope to see you again soon. Tell the elephant to shut up and move on..You're too busy for that s---!!!
Hi Mj - not sure about the writing but I agree on the elephants!
Glad you stopped by Judy - dogs really are the best, Maddie's right here saygin hi,
Of course I remember you Debbie! Can't wait for the Christmas party. Come visit any time!
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