I Just Want to Say..

I have a definite love/hate relationship with this blog. I started it one night when I was scared to death and just wanted to work through everything happening in my life - it was like talking to someone about it without really talking to someone about it. I liked the thought of being able to be scared/weak/lonely/whiny/depressed/hurt/angry/any other of the negative emotions that show up at night when I have too much time to think - without showing those weaknesses to those I wanted to believe that I was strong/brave/funny/inspiring/all the good things that I could be in the face of this. Well, we all know I can't keep secrets - I told my parents and sisters about the site. Still thinking too much, I thought it would be a way for them to see that I was struggling but not have to see it in my face. They nicely asked if they could share the blog with other family members so they could know what was happening and they would be able to hear how I was feeling. I seriously thought about it. I struggle with looking weak as much as I struggle with asking for help. I also worried that I would start to edit my thoughts to be less "harsh" than I am in real life and I would lose this blog as an emotional outlet for myself. I might become more of a "reporter" of my breast cancer experience less of a participant - any of this making sense? I did though see the desire of those that love me to participate themselves in what I was going through and to be able to assure themselves from long distances that I was OK. I decided yes let's send the blog address to other friends and family. I have had some truly great responses to this blog and I enjoy writing it for myself and for my loved ones. It has become to be a challenge though to always be "on" - you know witty, funny, informative without being boring, grammatically correct without too many run on sentences, etc. Like I said - it's a love/hate relationship.

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The part I didn't really think about though was the readers of the blog who don't know me. I've had readers from 10 countries and most states. This is by no means a problem - all are welcome to stop by at anytime. I have gotten many supportive emails from some of these readers - many of them also with breast cancer. I have also gotten some very negative ones - it is to them I that I want to sincerely say - I am sorry if I am making breast cancer seem "easy" and that I am "flippant" and "silly" about it and seem to be having "too much fun". I agree - there is nothing easy about cancer and the whole experience is horrible and ugly and painful and physically/emotionally scarring and scary and life changing and facing my mortality has taught me what a weak person I am. I break into tears at the drop of a hat and hate hate hate everything about this so I don't mean to be flippant and fun about it - HOWEVER - while everyone is welcome to read this blog - I am writing this for me and my loved ones and by god I will continue to do so as I see fit. If that means I crack jokes to make me and them smile - I will. If I don't feel like I want to tell about all of the bad stuff - I won't. Or if I want to make fun of my respone to the bad stuff - I will. If it means I have to work through it all slowly only letting it out a bit at a time to let my loved ones think I am fine - I WILL! This is my experience and I will share it as I see fit. If you knew me in person you would know that silly, flippant, and fun are good words to describe me - we will see if breast cancer changes that. I hope not but stay tuned.

Thank you