And not just physically.
.
It gets harder each morning to make the decision to be happy and positive during the day. And then once that decision is made, it takes me an alarmingly amount of effort these days to follow through on it. There is no reprieve from fighting cancer – at least during chemo. It is an huge physical and mental effort for me every second of every day. There is always something hurting or feeling very wrong and for me it is taking a huge mental toll. If cancer is not what I am thinking about at any given second, it is affecting what I am thinking about - either consciously or unconsciously. It’s almost easier when “I am fighting cancer” is right at the forefront of my thoughts because when it is not, it comes crashing back pretty quickly. “Yeah – I’d love to go on the trip! Oh wait I can’t right now, maybe next year”. "Let's buy candy for the kids that come by trick or treating, oh darn it that's three days after chemo I'll be curled up sick in bed". I’d give anything for just a short cancer vacation. I want to feel normal. I want to look normal. I want to think normally. And I want to do something normal while feeling/being/looking/thinking normal. It just sounds so normal. I smile and get all misty eyed even thinking about it. I know it’s a cliché but by golly when I am “cured” I am not going to take the good things in my life for granted ever again. Seriously. Like being able to breathe easily. Or having a bad hair day. Or going on a walk around the block with Maddie. Or the drive to work. Or losing my keys. Or going to the Post Office. Or phone calls from telemarketers. Or having a weekend off and not spending it in bed in pain. Or the breeze through the tree tops. Or just sitting on the edge of the canyon watching the sunset. Or, or, or and more ors. How about having a sushi dinner out with friends and being able to afford it? Now that sounds like absolute nirvana! - with a glass of wine! Yeah – I am close enough now that I can practically smell the chemo finish line. If I can just hang on for a few more weeks..... How will you recognize me in mid-November? OK – rather than I’m the only bald girl in the area? I’ll be the one with the big grin on my face.
It gets harder each morning to make the decision to be happy and positive during the day. And then once that decision is made, it takes me an alarmingly amount of effort these days to follow through on it. There is no reprieve from fighting cancer – at least during chemo. It is an huge physical and mental effort for me every second of every day. There is always something hurting or feeling very wrong and for me it is taking a huge mental toll. If cancer is not what I am thinking about at any given second, it is affecting what I am thinking about - either consciously or unconsciously. It’s almost easier when “I am fighting cancer” is right at the forefront of my thoughts because when it is not, it comes crashing back pretty quickly. “Yeah – I’d love to go on the trip! Oh wait I can’t right now, maybe next year”. "Let's buy candy for the kids that come by trick or treating, oh darn it that's three days after chemo I'll be curled up sick in bed". I’d give anything for just a short cancer vacation. I want to feel normal. I want to look normal. I want to think normally. And I want to do something normal while feeling/being/looking/thinking normal. It just sounds so normal. I smile and get all misty eyed even thinking about it. I know it’s a cliché but by golly when I am “cured” I am not going to take the good things in my life for granted ever again. Seriously. Like being able to breathe easily. Or having a bad hair day. Or going on a walk around the block with Maddie. Or the drive to work. Or losing my keys. Or going to the Post Office. Or phone calls from telemarketers. Or having a weekend off and not spending it in bed in pain. Or the breeze through the tree tops. Or just sitting on the edge of the canyon watching the sunset. Or, or, or and more ors. How about having a sushi dinner out with friends and being able to afford it? Now that sounds like absolute nirvana! - with a glass of wine! Yeah – I am close enough now that I can practically smell the chemo finish line. If I can just hang on for a few more weeks..... How will you recognize me in mid-November? OK – rather than I’m the only bald girl in the area? I’ll be the one with the big grin on my face.
.
Until then I can’t wait for the day when I don’t have to make the decision every morning to be happy and I just am.
Until then I can’t wait for the day when I don’t have to make the decision every morning to be happy and I just am.
2 comments:
I searched through your blog in the hopes that I didn't say something stupid and saw you are having the same chemo I did--4 x TC.
It will get better. I had a horrible time with my treatments. After the fourth one, I went through the normal one week hell of side effects, and I felt weak and out of breath for quite a while after that. This past week or two I feel like I am almost back 100% to my old self in regards to my energy level and strength.
My last treatment was 9/3/08...so that's about 7-8 weeks.
I hope it goes by quickly for you!!
Argh - I feel your pain! I am also 7 weeks past my last chemo. I had 6 treatments and the last three knocked me flat! I am just this week starting to feel some normalcy in my body - except for the fact that my fingernails are starting to fall off! Just know that it may take a month or so after your last treatment before you begin to feel more like yourself.
Hang in there - you will get past this. I hope you will cut yourself some slack and take some days off work!
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