"I believe in looking reality straight in the eye and denying it." --Garrison Keillor
I had The Biopsy on July 2nd which also happened to be moving day. I finished up at the old job, teared up at leaving dear friends, cleaned off the desk, turned in my keys, and drove to my parents. My friend Lillie had made me promise to take someone with me. I thought this was a bit much and a waste of someone's time but of course my parents were going to be there no matter what. And after what they did to me that afternoon I was really glad they were there.

Stereotactic biopsies are such an amazingly barbaric procedure to have done to your body. I bet they used these as torture in medieval times - heck, President Bush and his buddies wouldn't even agree to use this on terrorists. Anyway, I am not sure I can give this procedure the description it truly deserves but I'll try. Before that though I will freely admit that they had tried to get me to watch a video about the procedure and had even given me literature that remained unread - so that afternoon and everything that happened should not have been a surprise. This is one of those rare cases where denial can be a negative! Plus the doctor and staff were very nice, helpful, and did all they could to make sure I was comfortable.

Hard to believe though that with all the $ spent on cancer research we still have to do things this way. They start by lying you face down on a table with a circular hole about a foot across in it. They position you so the breast for the biopsy is in the hole and your face is looking towards the wall. They must have you look away so you can't see what their faces look like - just in case you run into them on the street and you start uncontrollably screaming. They then start by putting your breast in some sort of vice and then turning it this way and that while they take some sort of images. They talked about a big artery near the mass that they were trying to move around so they could take tissue without cutting it. I was down with that - uncut arteries are a good thing and it really wasn't that uncomfortable. Plus it really wasn't that uncomfortable other than not being able to see what was happening. They found what looked like a good position and we waited for the doctor. He was only a few minutes and agreed with their positioning. At this point I have not met the doctor and haven't even been able to see him except for vague images in the reflection of the picture on the wall. The painting was some sort of idyllic calm peaceful landscape - much too pastelly. He explained that they were going to give me some Novocain to numb me and then would start the biopsy. It was all still good - hardly even felt it. Then things went downhill fast. They inserted the big needle - I didn't really feel much but it was getting more uncomfortable laying there. I didn't really want to move with my breast in a vice with a large needle in it and even taking a swallow made me feel the pressure and a kind of distant pain. He told me that they were now going to send in the smaller needle (or whatever it was that took the samples) and that I would feel a pinch and a loud noise since it was on some sort of spring. At that point one of the nice ladies started to hold my hand and honest to God another nice lady laid across my back to hold me down. What the ..?!?!?! It happened so fast - one minute I'm laying there feeling a bit uncomfortable hoping I wouldn't fart and the next minute someone is holding me down. Unbelievable - this is really going to suck - I started to sweat and the doctor started to count down - three, two, one.... then nothing - well that was overdone I thought and started to laugh (well a small giggle so I wouldn't move much). But not so fast missy - I hear one of the nice ladies swear. She starts to apologize to the doctor (what about me! apologize to me!)- she had forgotten to set the gun thingie up right and it didn't fire. Confusion reigned. They tried to figure out if they could set it while the huge honking needle was in me. I'm lying there facing the nice cottage in the woods trying to see in the glass reflection what the heck was going on - all while having my breast in a vice with a huge ass needle in me. Lots of whispering, more discussion, I'm trying not to swallow because it is really srtating to hurt - A Decision is made. They need to pull out, reposition me, set up the gun, and start over. Now I have all sorts of time to think about what's going to happen when that spring goes off. They are pretty quick getting us back to that point and five minutes later I now have TWO! of them laying on my back holding me down, three, two, one - SPROINGGGG, small pin prick and it's over. Not so bad after all. If I wasn't shaking so badly I might even have smiled a little. They get their samples and the doctor pops up on my side of the table - ah, a face for the torturer. He's wearing a hawaiian shirt. He explains that they are done and are just putting in a titanium staple to mark the tumor. What the?!?! Can they do that??!! I know I signed all sorts of things without reading them but can they put something in me and leave it without my permission. It's not like I can move, I can't even talk and complain, I'm in a vice with a NEEDLE in me. He says it will stay in me forever unless this tumor needs to be removed. I am really really starting to hate this day. So, titanium chip inserted, needles are pulled out, dressing is applied, and the nice ladies help me up. Doctor comments that I didn't really bleed too much, to take it easy for a week or so, and walks out. Didn't bleed too much! I look down through the hole in the table and there is blood everywhere and then when I sit up it looks like a movie massacre on the floor. I am just beside myself at this point. It was the most degrading thing I have ever been through and trust me I'm an expert at degrading myself. I don't think I would have been able to drive myself home. Walking out and seeing my parents sitting and waiting for me made just about everything better. I just love their smiles.

We drove back to their house, picked up Maddie, got in two cars, and moved me to a new state and a new life. I was so thankful that I got this done when I did so it would be nothing and I could start my new adventures without worrying about it. I enjoyed the drive five hour with my Mom. She drove while I kept a bag of frozen corn on the hole left by the biopsy. It cracked me up to see how happy Mom was to find tootsie roll pops (chocolate of course) at the gas station in Gap, Arizona. It was a nice night and the canyon was beautiful. Life is good.

And let me tell you about my new bathtub! It's like a peachy pink and just the perfect size and the water is so deliciously hot - as long as I keep an eye on Dad turning down the hot water heater! I had a bubble bath last night - my surgeon would frown on me but if I twist quite right I can submerge about all of me and not the incisions! See - I told you life is good!

Next time - waiting for The Phone Call and we had a death in the neighborhood.