Welcome Hawai'i !

I first started the Wander Linda blog on July 21st, 2008.  I can't see who visits my blog but I can track where they visit from and I have been waiting for the day that all fifty states had visited.  I had to wait awhile but someone finally visited from the beautiful state of Hawai'i.  New Mexico was the second the last state to visit about six months ago. 

I don't have a very popular blog compared to the millions out there but since it started my blog has had 10,408 visits with 3,304 unique visitors.  In addition to all 50 states plus the District of Columbia, I have had visitors from 80 different countries.  Including some interesting place such as Azerbaijan, Iran, Nepal, Slovakia, Reunion, Laos, Latvia, UAE, and Kenya.  My top ten countries from which I have had visitors are, in order; the US, Canada, the UK, Brazil, Australia, Spain, India, Germany, Malasia, and Italy.

I have not had a visitor from Greenland yet, that is my new goal.

Some Numbers

I have been writing this blog for close to a year and a half now. I am able to track visitation to the blog - how many are reading it, how long they are on there, how many are new visitors, and where visitors are from.
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This is my 122 post and of that number 93 were from last year when I was still in treatment. So far as of today I have had 6,895 visits and 1,366 different visitors. Those visitors have come from 40 different countries including; Estonia, Malaysia, Pakistan, Iran, Turkey, and Tunisia. Most of the countries of Europe and the Americas have had at least one visitor. All continents except Antarctica are represented on the list. In the US, I have had visitors from 45 different states. The five states not on the list are New Mexico, Vermont, Mississippi, Alaska, and Hawai'i. The states with the most visits are Utah (Hi Mom!), Michigan (Thanks Aunt Joyce and Aunt Janice!) and Illinois(WooHoo Janet!).

I know most of the visitors are people who know and love me that are checking in to see what I am up to and to see how I am doing. I know others are just starting or are in the middle of their own journey with cancer. Every time I see someone from a new location stop by and stay for awhile my heart goes out to them. Most recently someone from Brazil has been reading through the 122 posts. I don't know if my blog is of any help to anyone but I hope they at least see that while cancer will occupy their lives for awhile, the treatment does end and a new "normal" life starts again. Cancer can go from being the major focus of their life to something that while always there, no longer is the first thing they think of in the morning. The medical bills will finally get paid, your body will start to feel "normal" again, and you will laugh at yourself for being upset at the little things. My thoughts and prayers go out to all of you in the fight.

I have a new writing assignment!

As much as I have enjoyed this blog for the last eight months, its not been that easy for me to write. Its been cathartic at times for me to write down my thoughts and feeling and at other times its been a huge struggle. It has been a godsend for me to include my friends and family in treatments and I've been told it has been helpful for others struggling in their own cancer adventure. I've even learned along the way that I enjoy writing. I just don't enjoy writing so much about myself.

Which brings me to my newest writing adventure opportunity. I was recently asked to apply for an online writing position at Examiner.com. Launched in April 2008, Examiner.com serves 60 major markets across the country and is quickly becoming the premier online brand for local information and events. They are a division of the Clarity Media Group, owned by the Anschutz Company, one of the largest media companies in the country which is also the company that owns the company I work for with my day job, Xanterra South Rim LLC. After filling out the lengthy application and using this blog as an example of my writing style, I was chosen as the Phoenix Grand Canyon Insights Examiner. This gives me a great opportunity to write about something I love and not about myself. Not that I don't love myself but you know what I mean.

I've always said that my dream job is to be a travel writer. While I will never make as much $ as being an accountant - it is giving me a chance to spend a part of each week trying out what I have always wanted to do.

Please give me a visit at http://www.examiner.com/x-5374-Phoenix-Grand-Canyon-Insights-Examiner and let me know what you think. (I also get paid by page views so don't be shy!)

Checking In

Sorry I haven't blogged in awhile. I've been trying out my "new" normal life as a cancer survivor without spending too much time being introspective.

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Physically I am starting to feel OK. I am getting most of my hair back. I've got about an inch on the top of my head, my eyebrows are back for good and I think my eyelashes are actually coming back in thicker than before. I'm don't have pain anymore and feel like my strength is about back to the "old" normal levels. I do still get really tired at the end of the day and when I push things too far I hit a wall and end up in bed asleep by 8 or so. Each day though I get more of my energy back.

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Mentally I still struggle now and then with conversation - finding the words to convey what I am trying to say is very frustrating to me. I have become a stutterer. I've also started this annoying habit of biting my lower lip when I need a few moments to come up a correct response in a conversation. Making simple decisions can also stymie me. I am sure I can be very frustrating to those around me when I can't even make the simple decision of what I want to drink. It's hard to explain but it's like my brain shuts down when I am given a few different choices. And I still blank out every once in awhile and find myself sitting or standing in mid-motion with no idea how long I've been there like that. It just happened this evening. I "awoke" to find myself standing in my hallway with no idea how I got there or which way I was going or what I had been doing. Very odd. Oh and then trying to remember things drives me crazy. I have to take my pill every night. And every night I go to take my pill and I make a mental note that I am taking the pill and then ten minutes later I can remember meaning to take the pill, I can remember making a mental note of taking the pill but I can't for the life of me remember actually taking the pill. It drives me crazy. It is so stinkin annoying - and it happens every single night! I bet there are nights I end up taking two or three pills. Geesh! I like to think that I've become good at acting like I am "normal" to those who are around me when I have these little mental breakdowns but I worry that I don't do a very good job of it.

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It's hard for me to believe it's only been three weeks since I got out of treatment - mentally it feels like months and months. I try not to think about cancer all the time and have been so busy both on and off work that it hasn't been too hard. For the first time since I started this blog I went back and read a couple of my posts from last August and September. Wow - it kind of brought back how hard it was and I had to quit reading. Plus all of the typos were driving me nuts. :)

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I went back to the hospital this week to pick up a prescription. I ended up sobbing for 15 minutes in the parking lot. Being there brought all the memories of the past seven months back and I then let a bit of worry for the future sneak into my fore thoughts. I remembered the "it is cancer" phone call in all it's gut wrenching glory and then imagined how much worse it will be if I ever get the same call again. I try to never let myself think "if" but that morning the "if" snuck up on me. The thought of hearing that diagnosis again knowing what I know now about cancer "treatments" took my breath away. So mentally I obviously have a few things to work through. Hopefully it's nothing a few good hikes and weekends out exploring won't cure!

Chemo 4 Surgeries 3 Radiation 33 Linda Won!

It is finished. It's been almost six months to the day that I was diagnosed back in early July. It seems like it was just yesterday but feels like it's been my entire life. Dad and Mom both came with me this morning. It was the worst driving conditions for Dad today of the whole ordeal with lots of snow and ice. I don't think he is going to miss the three hour commute we had each day. I know I never would have been able to do what I have done without him and Mom taking care of me. And I am really going to miss them. The staff was great at the cancer center with everyone coming around to congratulate me. They gave me a certificate that everyone signed, a book on what's next for me as a cancer survivor who has finished treatment, and an african violet. I don't have to go back until February 10th for meetings with each of my oncologists. In all I missed four days of work for surgeries, four days for chemo treatment days, four days from chemo pain, and a couple of half days from radiation fatigue.

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A lot has happened in my life in the past six months. Not all of it cancer related - believe it or not. I've gained a wonderful relationship with someone who is smarter than me if can you believe that :), started a fun challenging new job, moved into a comfy house with the perfect back yard, have four new scars, gained a huge appreciation for health care workers, explored some beautiful areas of Arizona and Utah, for the first time ever I used up all of my sick days at work, moved away from friends that I still miss terribly every single day, lost all of the hair on my body, look ten years older, felt more physical pain than I thought I could bear, heard some great new songs with lyrics that seemed written for me("December never felt so wrong"), learned that no matter how badly I felt for myself there are so many out there with much bigger struggles, first saw Charlie and Candy Mountain, went from the scared new girl to the wizened old timer in the radiation waiting room, brought home hundreds of cards of support from the post office, reaffirmed what a fantastically supportive family I am blessed to have, wrote checks for thousands of dollars, was bamboozled, made new friends (thanks chemo angels Linda and Cindy!), hated every single stinkin' second of being bald, gained weight, then lost some of the gained weight, learned way more than I ever dreamed about breast cancer, read lots of books, wrote lots of long wordy blogs like this one, felt pretty good about myself and all that I have and will accomplish, was blown away by all the support I received, gained an appreciation for every day that is not a chemo day, learned to wear hats, kept ignoring the elephant, and learned for a fact that laughter really is the best medicine.

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I was going to quit writing this blog in the next few days. I have even decided the opening and ending lines of the final blog. But I've got a few more pictures to post and a few more thoughts about cancer rattling around in my head. So, I think you are stuck with me for a little while longer anyway.

Other Cancer Blogs

I have no idea why it helps to read other people's experiences with cancer but it does for me. I guess maybe it's knowing that I'm in good company and am definitely not alone in what is happening to my body and mind (and hair) that comforts me. I added a new blog on My Favorite Blogs List on the left side of this page. It's called "...Lace Up Your Gloves..." I saw one of Jen's posts on the YSC board and have spent the last couple of hours reading her blog. Jen is amazing - if you have a chance read about her journey and watch her video about why she participates in the Arizona Breast Cancer 3 Day walk. It's a 60 mile fundraising walk benefiting Susan G. Komen for the Cure. It looks like it is in November next year. I hate fund raising but I love to walk. I've requested a brochure. I'll read it over - maybe I'll give it a try next year. www.the3day.org

Eight Down - Only Twenty Five Treatments to Go

I'd like to say the time is going past quickly but I can't. It seems that just as soon as something important is happening at work I have to jump in my car and leave for three and a half hours. The days are also longer when I have to add those three and a half hours onto the end of the work day. I work, I drive to town, and I sleep with ten minutes at the cancer center in the middle of it all. Time has to be going by slowly for Dad also. At least I can sleep during the drive. I offer to drive but every day he declines my offer and by the time we hit the park boundary I have my eyes closed and am probably snoring. I wouldn't be able to have the treatments and work full time without him. i would be too exhausted.

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Tomorrow is Thanksgiving. I have a huge list of things for which I am thankful. My friends and family are at the top of that list. Thanks everyone!

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Blog info I found interesting. I've had visitors to this blog from 37 different states and 18 different countries. I've had 3,591 visits by 570 unique visitors. That's a lot of folks reading my late night ramblings. Thanks for visiting! I'll try not to let it make me nervous. ;)

The Coyotes Are Howling Tonight

It sounds like they have the house surrounded. What a cool sound. The neighborhood dogs are joining in. When we first moved here Maddie would bark along but she learned that they never showed up to play with her so now she just rolls her eyes and goes back to sleep.

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So, I am back amongst the living. This last chemo sent me for a loop. I spent Thursday night through Tuesday morning pretty much bed bound. I did go out for the BEST strawberry milkshake ever on Sunday but later that night the pain really hit. I went to work again on Tuesday and don't plan any more sick days - at least for chemo. I am still a bit sore, seem to tire very easily, and have a cold / cough that I can't seem to shake.

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My eyebrows held on strong but the last of them fell off over the weekend. My eyelashes though are still 80% there!

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I think we had close to 100 trick or treaters at the house. Maddie and I were in the bedroom but the door bell sure rang a lot. Mom had to make up some extra candy handouts.

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Once again during the worst of the chemo weekend I had all sorts of trouble sleeping. So, I read instead. I started and finished eight books. It helps me enormously to have my mind somewhere other than this bedroom. Most chemo weekends I leaned towards fiction. This time it was mostly adventure non fiction. I read a book about a lady who walked across half of Australia with four camels, I read about an all female trip up Annapurna in the 70s, there was a book about two ladies who traversed Antarctica, the always interesting book about death in the Grand Canyon (not a cancer death in there!), a book with short stories from Colorado river boatmen, and the book I am just now finishing by the guy who hiked from one end of the Grand Canyon to the other under the rim. I think I am ready to get out there and have my own adventures!

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I keep meaning to post on this blog. I know there are a few of you keeping up with my progress through it and you worry when I get too quiet for too long. Chemo just seems (seemed) to take away my ability to not only write coherently but the will to write at all. Now I am just so stuck in my own head and I don't want to be. And I don't want to even give a hint of how low I went mentally. I am disappointed with myself. I want to be able to explain it without too much drama but I want to be realistic about it. Each day I feel closer and closer to normal for longer and longer periods of time. I'm sure in a few days or weeks I'll have a posting with all sorts of thoughts about chemotherapy and my experience with it. Until then I am just trying to find my way back to Linda.

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And I so hate being bald.

I Just Want to Say..

I have a definite love/hate relationship with this blog. I started it one night when I was scared to death and just wanted to work through everything happening in my life - it was like talking to someone about it without really talking to someone about it. I liked the thought of being able to be scared/weak/lonely/whiny/depressed/hurt/angry/any other of the negative emotions that show up at night when I have too much time to think - without showing those weaknesses to those I wanted to believe that I was strong/brave/funny/inspiring/all the good things that I could be in the face of this. Well, we all know I can't keep secrets - I told my parents and sisters about the site. Still thinking too much, I thought it would be a way for them to see that I was struggling but not have to see it in my face. They nicely asked if they could share the blog with other family members so they could know what was happening and they would be able to hear how I was feeling. I seriously thought about it. I struggle with looking weak as much as I struggle with asking for help. I also worried that I would start to edit my thoughts to be less "harsh" than I am in real life and I would lose this blog as an emotional outlet for myself. I might become more of a "reporter" of my breast cancer experience less of a participant - any of this making sense? I did though see the desire of those that love me to participate themselves in what I was going through and to be able to assure themselves from long distances that I was OK. I decided yes let's send the blog address to other friends and family. I have had some truly great responses to this blog and I enjoy writing it for myself and for my loved ones. It has become to be a challenge though to always be "on" - you know witty, funny, informative without being boring, grammatically correct without too many run on sentences, etc. Like I said - it's a love/hate relationship.

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The part I didn't really think about though was the readers of the blog who don't know me. I've had readers from 10 countries and most states. This is by no means a problem - all are welcome to stop by at anytime. I have gotten many supportive emails from some of these readers - many of them also with breast cancer. I have also gotten some very negative ones - it is to them I that I want to sincerely say - I am sorry if I am making breast cancer seem "easy" and that I am "flippant" and "silly" about it and seem to be having "too much fun". I agree - there is nothing easy about cancer and the whole experience is horrible and ugly and painful and physically/emotionally scarring and scary and life changing and facing my mortality has taught me what a weak person I am. I break into tears at the drop of a hat and hate hate hate everything about this so I don't mean to be flippant and fun about it - HOWEVER - while everyone is welcome to read this blog - I am writing this for me and my loved ones and by god I will continue to do so as I see fit. If that means I crack jokes to make me and them smile - I will. If I don't feel like I want to tell about all of the bad stuff - I won't. Or if I want to make fun of my respone to the bad stuff - I will. If it means I have to work through it all slowly only letting it out a bit at a time to let my loved ones think I am fine - I WILL! This is my experience and I will share it as I see fit. If you knew me in person you would know that silly, flippant, and fun are good words to describe me - we will see if breast cancer changes that. I hope not but stay tuned.

Thank you

Phooey On All You All

I was looking forward to sitting around and feeling sad and sorry for myself today and then you all have to ruin it for me. Funny sweet encouraging emails at work from one who had it so much worse than me and should be telling me what I wimp I am - instead she's sending me her "lucky hats" from her chemo stint to keep my head warm this fall/winter. A lovely phone call at lunch from a friend in Springdale I miss like the dickens. Emails and phone calls with an invite to play in Vegas this weekend. A great purple T-shirt in the mail from Red Lodge, Montana straight from a Climb for the Cure hike with "Survivor" on the back - a bit early for me to wear but I love the optimism! Some fun loving greeting cards that actually made me smile as much as I tried not to. Then while still committed to my evening of self pity a great phone call with my parents who refuse to let me drive them away with my curtness. And lastly in my futile attempt at an evening of drowning my sorrows in cookie dough ice cream - I decide to pop on here and my last post has some great comments that make me laugh so hard I start crying. And all sorts of great support like this happens to/for me everyday these days from all the wonderful people I know. Even when I am alone - I'm not alone. Thank you so much everyone - no way I can feel self pity for this when I have such great folks all around me. I am blessed!

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The "Clowns Will Eat Me" pin is from one of the blogs I have listed on the left of this page. Each blog is listed top to bottom by which has the most recent post. Some of them post more often than others. The bottom two though won't ever post again. Both Heather and Sarah had amazing voices. Like I have said - some amazing women have gone before me.

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I'm just worried/scared/apprehensive about what is coming. I promise when the hard part starts I'll not take it out on any of you (even you Mom and Dad who sometimes seem to get the worst of me). Seven months from now this will be over but for the rest of my life I'll know that I'm never alone even when I alone. I humbly thank all of you. And hey - there's number one on the two lists I am working on - for both the "why my life is good" and the "why I want to live" lists = my friends and family!