When Pink is Just a Color Again

Pink Gloves for Breast Cancer

Love this video - I have nothing but great things to say about the people at the Northern Arizona Cancer Center. The video is from a different hospital but it reminds me of my great caretakers. I still remember so many of them.

Nurse Nancy who came and sat with me at my first appointment with the surgeon. And who stuck with me during my entire treatment even though she had never met me before.

Wonderful Maria who always made me smile and talked me into signing up for the Wednesday massages.

The folks in the chemo room who were always so nice.

The nurse who put in my IV for my post insertion surgery who let my blood spatter all over the floor.

The gentleman who wheeled me into my first surgery who was so touched by my parents.

My surgeon who talked more to my sister about Texas than to me.

The counselor who let me collapse in tears on her couch. More then once.

The nutritionist who always tried to talk to me when I was in a horrible mood and who I was never nice to but she was always very nice to me.

The radiologists who became part of my every day life and who I hope to never see again.

The lady who started complaining about her hair as she walked bald ole me to my appointment - she caught herself in mid-sentence and we both had a good laugh.

The guy who got to do his first radiation tattoos on me - it really hurt and he felt badly.

The lady who told me that while the dye shot I was going to get would really hurt but at least there would only be one of them - yes it really hurt and no there was not just one. She felt badly also.

The orderly who held my hand while I was scared to death waiting in the hallway the morning of my first surgery.

What a hard job each of them have - working with people going through such a horrible ordeal as cancer. Their ability to show compassion and to inject kindness and humor made it all bearable.

Susan G. Komen Breast Cancer 3 Day Walk

It's official - I've signed up to participate in the walk this next November here in Arizona. Just like it says - it lasts three days and we will be walking 20 miles each of those days for a total of 60 miles. Eight five percent of the proceeds go to Susan G. Komen for the Cure. According to the website every advancement in breast cancer research, treatment, education and prevention in the last 25 years has been touched by a Komen for the Cure grant. The remaining fifteen percent goes to the National Philanthropic Trust Breast Cancer Fund, which provides ongoing support to breast cancer initiatives, so that strides made today can continue to propel us toward the goal of a world without breast cancer. I've agreed to raise at least $2,300 in donations. I know I can raise even more than that, and have set my team's goal at $3,000 per person. Here's the hard part for me I hate asking for $ in today's economy but I would appreciate any help you can give. Would you please consider making a donation of any amount? Keep in mind how far I'm walking - and how hard I'll have to train. You can donate online at http://www.the3day.org/. Just click on Donate Now and search for my personal fundraising page. You can download a donation form and mail it to the address on the form. You can also call 800.996.3DAY to donate over the phone. So, far I have a team of three - we are Team Grand Canyon. If anyone wants to join us on our walk we would love to have you join our team. Just let me know and I'll help you get signed up.

According to Susan G. Komen for the Cure, more than 200,000 American women will be diagnosed with breast cancer this year, and nearly 40,000 will die from the disease. That’s why I’m walking so far. To do something bold about breast cancer. I hope that you'll share this incredible adventure with me by supporting me in my fundraising efforts.

During my breast cancer journey the Susan G. Komen organization was there for me every step of the way. The day I showed up for my first surgery consultation I was given a very informative breast cancer manual printed and paid for by them. They pay for a breast cancer support room at the cancer center. It is filled with all sorts of great helpful items they pay for and give out to patients at no cost. My personal favorite - they provided me with a weekly massage while I was in radiation. It was the most wonderful thing in such a trying time. Even last week I noticed a pink ribbon on the machine as I got my mammogram. Susan G. Komen had helped pay for the state of the art equipment. From personal experience I have seen what a great organization they are and I am proud to be able to participate in one of their big fund raiser events.

Pink Pink Everywhere

Outside Cancer Center - yeah like we aren't already aware, but I did get free pink stuff; a bandana, some pink ribbon temporary tatoos, candy, and a pink tennis ball for Maddie!
Just like earlier picture from first chemo session minus hair plus hat.

Before the tears started..

I just saw on the news that the White House is lit up in pink tonight to commemorate Breast Cancer Awareness Month. Wow. Every store I walk in and most of the ads I see in women's magazines has pink stuff everywhere. A lot of the breast cancer blogs and message boards have breast cancer survivors who aren't too happy with all the pink stuff. I'm not sure what I think about it. Part of me is like - hey, I'm in a cool club and we have such a pretty color and I'm glad that so much $ is being used to promote awareness and research for a cure. On the other hand like I have previously noted the color pink seems a bit pretty and fun to represent the realities of breast cancer. Plus these days I personally am obviously pretty aware and seeing pink M&Ms, pink shampoo, pink shoes, pink mouth wash, pink ribbons on printer paper, a pink ribbon on contact solution, pink pages in Shape magazine, pink teddy bears, pink flowers, pink gum, pink pens with motivation sayings (strength to go on), etc, etc, etc only make me more aware than I want to be while shopping. And it seems like some of the companies are just jumping on the bandwagon to make money for themselves. And where is the $ they collect going to - which groups - are they good ones? I also don't remember this much pink last year - maybe I am just noticing it more this year (ya think?). I'll have to think on it a bit more but I guess it's got to be a good thing despite my personal discomfort. And for a full disclosure I did buy the pink motivational pen, the pink teddy bear, and the pink daisies. :)

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We got there on time this morning but everything seemed to be slow. Didn't get out before 3pm. Lots of waiting for doctors and nurses. But got a great chocolate chip cookie! To show that for all my talk letting you think that I'm all sunshine and rainbows, I spent a good half hour in the chair sobbing. My parents left for a bit and I don't know what hit me but all of a sudden there were tears everywhere. I guess it was exhaustion, missing work again when I have a million things to do, fear of the future, and who knows what else. I felt bad - the place was packed and I was desperately trying to stop crying before my parents got back. I think I scared my favorite nurse but then she's probably used to it. My blood work came back perfect again. I am blessed with this. The girl sitting a couple of seats away from me is in her early thirties and she just had to have a blood transfusion because of her low white blood cells. My grandmother's cousin was there again and I enjoyed hearing him tell stories about her and my grandfather when they were young. He said that my grandmother was feisty and that my grandfather has always been his hero because of the type of person Grandpa is. He called him his "Roy Rogers". Then I introduced my parents to Thai food. Well, I tried anyway. They ordered sweet and sour chicken and orange chicken. I'll take them to a place a little more authentic next time. Feeling OK tonight - just a little off like usual. I'll see how tomorrow goes.

Choices

Being diagnosed with cancer brings all sorts of choices into your life.

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The first choices are what to do for "treatment". I guess one choice would be to do nothing. Or another would be to avoid mainstream doctors and do non-traditional treatments. Or do both conventional and holistic treatments. One thing you learn fast as you try to choose what to do is that there are very few "if then" statements in cancer "treatment". It would be great if a doctor could say "if you do this then you will be OK" instead you get a lot of "if maybe then" statements "if you do chemo, maybe then you will be OK". I've been reading a couple of the breast cancer message boards since I was diagnosed and women really agonize over their treatment choices. Once you hear the words "it's cancerous" your choices are many and all of them suck.

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Once you decide to go with mainstream treatments, your first choice is what type of surgery you want, lumpectomy or mastectomy. With a lumpectomy comes radiation also. My doctor told me that my survival rate with both is about the same. I'm not a big fan of hospitals or doctors or pain so I naturally leaned towards the lumpectomy choice. It is less invasive with no extra reconstruction surgeries needed. I also was pretty sure it would be cheaper which when your life is on the line seems like a stupid reason to not do something but I'm guessing money plays a big role in a large percent of treatment decisions in the US. Christina Applegate on the other hand chose to have a double mastectomy based on her family history and results of DNA tests she took. I'm sure many other things went into her decision also that she hasn't shared with the general public. Now did either of us make the right choice for ourselves? We will never know. Even if we have a recurrence or if we don't have a recurrence, who is to say it would or wouldn't have happened anyway.

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Now if the cancer is caught early, there is no sign of it having spread, and test results come back favorably then the surgery / radiation choice might be about it for treatment decisions. Then there are all sorts of post cancer lifestyle decisions to make but that's a whole other topic. Hopefully I'll get to that point and we can all have a discussion about my aversion to veggies.

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But for me and for many like me, we are given the choice of undergoing chemo. While in the end this wasn't a hard choice for me, it was an agonizing choice. The list of possible side effects to chemo is really really long and has nothing good on it. In fact when you start chemo they have you sign a release that has the line "I understand that it is not possible to anticipate all side effects." It then goes on to a list of the worst side effects it can cause up to and including death. It also says "I understand that no guarantee or assurance has been made as to the results of chemotherapy and that it may not cure, control or improve this condition". So, not only can the treatment kill me, it might not even help me with the cancer thing at all. What kind of choice is that? Angel Nurse Nancy told me before the first meeting with my oncologist that he would be giving me a rate of survival percentage if I do chemo. She said that I needed to decide at what percent I would or would not do the treatment. Well, when you haven't had chemo before and have only heard about how hard it is plus knowing it might not help at all, it's hard to make that decision. I tried to decide at what percent I would not do chemo. 20%, 15%, 10%, 1%, .1%? It's your life you are deciding upon. Well, I love my life (but really so does everyone else so I'm not saying if you chose not to do chemo that you don't love your life but that's how I saw it for my decision) and I having not been in chemo before I couldn't imagine it would be worse than dying so I made the personal choice that unless he said chemo would not help me at all I was going to do it. Well, my percent came out at around 10%. If I was to undergo chemo treatments my odds of having the cancer return would be cut by 10%. That number seemed huge to me - of course I would take 12 weeks of chemo over increasing my chances of a recurrence by 10%. But that was me. For the pain, cost, time, and all the other bad things with it 10% might seem like a small percent to others in my position. Now that I am half (!!!) way through chemo would I make the same choice? You Betcha!! Six weeks from now or if the cancer does come back, will I still say that? I don't know. I've read about many many women who have had a higher percent than that and not do chemo and I've read about many many women who have had lower percents and did do chemo. Once again will any of us ever know if we made the right decision? Nope.

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Is any decision that we truly believe is right for us the right one? Yep, I believe that is true. I though have been (I hate to use the word lucky or blessed when it comes to my cancer so I just say) I have had it better than some women in that my decisions have been pretty clear cut to me so I haven't spent much time second guessing my choices and if I stay healthy I won't ever have to but so many cancer patients out there have many more gray areas in the treatment choices. I would think it would be very hard to not sometimes think "maybe I should have...........". Once again when it's a choice that has to potential to be life or death - yikes - no one wants to be in that position.

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One "if then" statement I have heard from a doctor is "if you get chemotherapy, then you will lose your hair". Yep - as you can see by the picture I've lost my hair. Another choice that is discussed on the message boards is how to deal with this. It seems like wearing wigs or scarves has been the first choice of many. I've seen many women - especially the younger ones - go with my choice though, just going around bald. I just hate having things on my head but I hate looking like this. In the end I went for comfort instead of vanity. Most of the time when I am out around strangers I have worn a scarf or hat but today I just went to town au naturel. Heck it's Breast Cancer Awareness Month and what says breast cancer better then a pink ribbon? Yep - a bald "cancer girl" walking around. I'll scare women into doing self exams or getting a mammogram. Pink ribbons make breast cancer seem pretty and feminine - I've learned it is more like putrid green, pain, and swelling. So, I'm just a walking public service announcement for early detection. Side note and another possible blog topic - why is there so much focus on early detection and a cure but hardly even talk of prevention?

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There is one choice I have to make daily though - it's a hard one and it's a very important one that effects my entire life. When I first wake up cancer is not the first thing I think of - I usually have a few seconds of being my old "normal" self. When I do remember it still takes my breath away and not in a good way. I think if I was standing up when I remember, it would take me to my knees. It's that unnatural and disturbing to me, it still deosn't seem real. Right then when it hits I have to make the daily choice. How am I going to handle having cancer today? I could crawl up in bed and not leave it and be all "woe is me". I could be angry / anguished and all "why me?" and take it out on all those around me. I could try to ignore it and shut down, not letting anyone in or showing any emotion. I could be full of dispair and think that I am going to die from cancer. Or I could chose to live life as fully as I can within the physical restraints I have right now; laughing as much as I can, not letting the little things get to me, enjoying the people around me, being thankful for the support I am getting, smiling at my bald self when I catch a glimpse in a mirror, loving my dog, enjoying the sound of the wind through the trees, chasing the ravens out of my yard, having some steaky goodness, reading good books, and just trying really hard to find the positive in the situation I find myself in. OK - so it's not really that hard of a decision for me but I can see how others in a similar physical situation but in a different life situation would choose one of the other choices. Who knows as I get further into my new life with cancer I might pick another view on my day / life and that would be OK but I hope I don't.

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We all make the choices that we think are right for us and we hope we get the chance to live with them.

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PS - one more item for my "Thank You For" list. Thank you for making fun of my baldness (Charliiieeee). I appreciate everyone who says I look good bald. I know though that you are just trying to be nice. Which is nice but I know better and it was great to have someone finally tease me about it. It's the little things...........

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PS again - I just got fabulous news! I hear there's going to be a new baby in the family! WooHoo. I am so so so happy for you two! Now my hair will have to grown back. It's bad enough I scare stranger's kids with my Uncle Fester look, I can't be scaring my cousin's child. Yet another way that Life is Great!