I Can't Sleep

Probably my own fault for going to bed too early. I'm lying here trying to be apathetic about the day. If I start thinking about it I get either really excited (hair!) or a little teary eyed (this weekend is going to really suck). I feel like there should be a big party or something after they yank the needle out but today is just the beginning of the end. I'll wait a few weeks for the party. I do wish that the end of chemo was the end of this adventure and I could just ride away into the sunset. I know it's going to be the hardest part of my cancer fight for me physically and hope it is the hardest part mentally. I have a bunch of questions for the oncologist this morning. Mainly - when can I start radiation, when can I have this stinkin port taken out, and when should I start taking Tamoxifen. I'm not even sure which doctor I'll be seeing in the long run. It's five in the morning out here and I can hear Dad out there starting a woodstove fire this morning. I know my parents are looking forward to the end of chemo as much as I am. Other than that first horrible weekend they have been here right next to me during the worst of it seeing me at my worst and maybe a little bit of me at my best. It could not have been easy for them and I appreciate it more than I could ever express. And thanks to all of you for all the uplifting emails and cards and prayers sent my way. Seriously this journey would be so so much harder without all of you with me. I hope I can make it up to all of you someday. Guess I should get up and give Dad some company. I do love a good fire. I hope all of you have a great day.

Thank You For......

* Sending Me Hats

* Rubbing My Feet When I Felt Terrible After Chemo

* Tucking in My Feet

* Being There

* Visiting and Cutting Wood For Me

* Walking Maddie

* The Nice Emails That I Haven't Yet Answered

* A Tour of Your Home Town

* A Book Called There's No Place Like Hope (see below)

* The Box of Goodies

* Being My Friend

* The Phone Calls of Encouragement - Soon I'll Be On The Other of Treatment With You

* Telling Me That You Are on This Train With Me Until I Get Off It First

* Stopping By The Office To See How I Am Doing

* The Homemade Cookies I Am Still Eating

* Not Just One But Two or Three or More Cards of Encouragement

* The Beautiful Necklace

* The Thoughts and Prayers Sent My Way

* Walking / Running in the Susan G. Komen Run

* Surprising Me With A Visit From Texas

* The Phone Call Telling Me to Let My Sisters In The Fight With Me

* My Lawn

* Leaving Me Comments on This Blog

* The Fruit Basket

* Agreeing That This Really Does Suck

* Wonderful Smelling Stuff From L'Occitane

* The Pink Ribbon Pin

* Life Is Good Stuff!

* My Chemo Angels

* The Horse Postcards

* Making Me Dinner

* Sitting On The Edge of the Bed With Me When I Can't Get Up

* Laughing With Me

* Telling Me I Look OK Bald

* The Sunflowers

* Not Letting Me Do This Alone

"You walk through the darkness with us, not because you are ill and have to, but because you chose to. We were drafted, but you enlisted. We recognize and appreciate the difference more than words can ever say. YOU are our heroes, our support, and our reasons for fighting." - Vickie Girard, There's No Place Like Hope

Chemo 2 Linda 0

I'm still out here. Thanks for all the kind messages, texts, emails, cards, goodies, encouragement, prayers, etc. etc. etc. This was hard again but a bit better than last time. My teeth and nails don't hurt this time and I don't have that horrible fever. Everything else stills hurts but with the new meds I don't hurt as badly. The sleeping pills have also worked so they give me some relief. Having Mom and Dad here helps bunches also - it makes it harder to get lost in the pain when there is someone sitting at the end of the bed telling you that you have a pretty bald head! If I can go by what happened with the last chemo treatment hopefully I'll be feeling half way human again tomorrow afternoon. And pretty much back to normal by the end of the week. Thanks again everyone - your support helps like you wouldn't believe.

Chemo Angels

Here's a really cool thing - I was signed up with an organization called chemo angels. It is "volunteer organization dedicated to adding a ray of sunshine to the lives of those undergoing IV chemo treatment." They believe people going through the physical, emotional and mental rigors of chemotherapy deserve some encouragement. Many of their Chemo Angel volunteers are cancer survivors themselves, or people whose lives have been affected by cancer in some way. The common denominator is a desire to brighten the lives of cancer patients while they are going through this challenging time. I have two angels - a card angel and a chemo angel - Linda from Pennsylvania and Cindy from Kansas. They have been sending me great encouraging cards and will continue to do so through my treatment duration. It's a really nice thing that they do for a complete stranger. I can't wait to sign up next year from the other side and I'll get to be an angel.

Thanks Cindy and Linda!!

WOW - did anyone get the license number of that truck that hit me?!!?

Sorry - took a week or so off. I haven't even turned on this computer since I last posted. CHEMO SUCKS! It hit me the worst from last Friday about 1:30pm until Sunday morning around 10:30. I thought I was ready for about everything but I had no idea how much pain there would be. I never wanted to be dead but I remember thinking at one point that I wouldn't mind if I died. What made it harder was that I couldn't sleep at all during the worst period. I think I slept 4 hours total between Friday and Sunday. I just laid in bed in agony and tylenol didn't help at all - it was crazy how many things can hurt at once and just randomly. I can remember the tops of my feet feeling like they were on fire but at the same time my teeth felt like they were being pulled out with the worst back pain I had ever felt in my life with my joints feeling like they were being pulled apart. And then to top it off my teeth kept clamping shut randomly cutting up whatever was in the way so my mouth was full of blood - I looked like I was eating small rodents or something (too much info?). I so wanted to fall deep asleep and get some relief - I dozed off at one point and dreamt that rats were chewing off my toes I woke up screaming but wished I hadn't since I felt worse in real life. I still can't grasp how bad it got - and I swear I'm not a wimp when it comes to pain. I also had a bit of a temperature that weekend but it never stayed very high so I never called the oncologist like I maybe should have. One good thing - I was never nauseous so was able to eat and drink and keep down meds through all of it which had to help. Plus I spent the weekend sweating like I had run a marathon so I know my body was working overtime to get those poisons out any way it could. After that first chemo treatment my sister told me she was proud of me and that I had just done the hardest thing I will ever do in my life. I'll tell you what - walking back into that place in a week and a half knowing what I know now is going to be mighty tough. New game plan since we now know how I react - some tougher pain medication and something to help me sleep so I can get some relief. And it sure could be easier these next three times - heck just knowing that the pain doesn't last forever will help me psychologically. And boy did the timing did work out - I only missed a couple of hours of work on Friday. Other than that I've been able to work full time since chemo started.

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Since Sunday I've been pretty tired and still in some pain. All of my senses (except hearing for some reason) have changed - it's actually kind of funny though how just about everything about me is different. I think differently, I breathe differently, I taste things differently, everything feels different, Maddie sniffs at me like I smell differently, my limbs work differently, and I change differently. Seems like something different is different every hour or so. One hour I can't quite see right, can't remember what one of my good friends looks like, my tongue and shoulders hurt, and my left knee is sore. The next hour my toenails are killing me, I can't remember what Pringles are, the top of my mouth feels like sandpaper, and my hands are so numb I can hardly move my fingers. Some sick part of me kind of likes to observe all of this just to see what this thing can do to me next. Maybe something fun like making asparagus taste good or invisibility or even a good night's sleep. Anyway, maybe I should say - CHEMO SUCKS DIFFERENTLY!

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So, now I just try my best at work each day and come home and crash. There is such a thing as chemo brain. I'm having a hard time concentrating and get distracted all the time. I've made some easy mistakes at work but now that I know I'm doing them I make sure and triple check my work. I think it's actually helped me to work during this. I love my job and it's a fun challenge every day. So, while it's probably tougher physically (helps though that I'm a desk bound paper pusher) - the mental challenge and distraction has been a God send.

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I had so wanted to get thank you cards out to all of you this weekend. I am so sorry I wasn't able to - so here's another BIG BLOG THANK YOU! and I hope to get them at least started this weekend.

Phooey On All You All

I was looking forward to sitting around and feeling sad and sorry for myself today and then you all have to ruin it for me. Funny sweet encouraging emails at work from one who had it so much worse than me and should be telling me what I wimp I am - instead she's sending me her "lucky hats" from her chemo stint to keep my head warm this fall/winter. A lovely phone call at lunch from a friend in Springdale I miss like the dickens. Emails and phone calls with an invite to play in Vegas this weekend. A great purple T-shirt in the mail from Red Lodge, Montana straight from a Climb for the Cure hike with "Survivor" on the back - a bit early for me to wear but I love the optimism! Some fun loving greeting cards that actually made me smile as much as I tried not to. Then while still committed to my evening of self pity a great phone call with my parents who refuse to let me drive them away with my curtness. And lastly in my futile attempt at an evening of drowning my sorrows in cookie dough ice cream - I decide to pop on here and my last post has some great comments that make me laugh so hard I start crying. And all sorts of great support like this happens to/for me everyday these days from all the wonderful people I know. Even when I am alone - I'm not alone. Thank you so much everyone - no way I can feel self pity for this when I have such great folks all around me. I am blessed!

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The "Clowns Will Eat Me" pin is from one of the blogs I have listed on the left of this page. Each blog is listed top to bottom by which has the most recent post. Some of them post more often than others. The bottom two though won't ever post again. Both Heather and Sarah had amazing voices. Like I have said - some amazing women have gone before me.

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I'm just worried/scared/apprehensive about what is coming. I promise when the hard part starts I'll not take it out on any of you (even you Mom and Dad who sometimes seem to get the worst of me). Seven months from now this will be over but for the rest of my life I'll know that I'm never alone even when I alone. I humbly thank all of you. And hey - there's number one on the two lists I am working on - for both the "why my life is good" and the "why I want to live" lists = my friends and family!

One last thought for the night

Thank you everyone for all of the support. It helps so much to feel so loved and cared for. The cards, emails, phone calls, gifts, and offers of help have been very nice and I know everyone wants to do more but just sending happy thoughts my way is the best gift I can get. I am just so appreciative to have all of you in my life. I don't even know what to say except yes this does suck but I'm going to be just fine. In a few months this will all be over. So, please don't be sad for me I'm not going anywhere! These cancer cells are messing with the wrong lady!