Short Hair

Only 8 Treaments Left

I have two more this week, four the week of New Years, and the final two the first week of January. I'm starting to get burns and even some blisters. It hurts but it is no chemo. They had me buy some aquaphor to put on it as much as I can. I've also started to get nauseous. I'm not sure what is causing it. I'll have to look up radiation side affects again. Not that it matters. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel now so there's nothing I can't handle.

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I'm back home at the canyon. The snow continues but so far we have missed it by going early for treatment today and hopefully going later will work tomorrow. Then I just have to worry about Wednesday morning then it's three days of radiation free joyness.

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My hair is starting to come back. It's really short and very dark right now. The top is thicker than the sides. And I have a big swirling vortex all across the back of my head. My favorite niece has asked that I post a picture of my new hair so I'll try to get one in the next few days. I'm just excited that in the next month or so I'll go from looking sickly to just looking like I made a poor hair style choice.

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I had a great weekend exploring the area more and taking pictures on Saturday. I would have a great story but apparently what happens at Black Bart's RV Park and Dinner Musical Revue stays at Black Bart's RV Park and Dinner Musical Revue! Sunday I had radiation in the morning and then an afternoon of sledding. We were the oldest people there but the youngest at heart. We showed those young whippersnappers a few moves. My face hurt this morning from laughing so hard.

I'm 42 and Bald - but it sure as heck beats the alternative

Birthday Flowers

I've been staying in Flagstaff all week due to the recent snow fall. It wasn't the return to the canyon that made me nervous it was getting back to Flag the next day. There was no way I was going to miss having the port taken out. So, here's the snow on the car on Tuesday morning. It has pretty much snowed constantly ever since. I've scraped this much and more off the car each day. It's been fun! Plus I have the world's best boss so I was able to work most of the week out of our offices here.
Everything you need for a successful port extraction. It took only around ten minutes and in the doctor's office. Much easier than when it went in.
The port coming out. I photoshopped out the blood and gore for the squeamish. It was much bigger than I thought. I'm trying to decide what to do with it. A necklace, bracelet, broach? It is sooo nice to stretch my neck out again!

Have I Mentioned Lately How Much I Hate Having Cancer?

It's been over five months since I was diagnosed and the treatments are never ending. I keep saying that I don't want to be "cancer girl" but even I am starting to define myself that way in my mind. I know I just have to hang on and that it will be over in less than a month but those 18 treatments that are left just seem daunting. And then what? I'll still have to wait years to get my long hair back, who knows what side effects I'll have in the long term, and heaven forbid there's a recurrance. sigh........ I think I'm just being melancholy tonight and starting to feel tired from the radiation treatments. I wish this had never happened to me but since it has I'm trying to deal with it as best as I can but sometimes it's hard. I just want to be OK.

A Moment of Clarity

For some reason I could not sleep at all last night. I finally drifted off around 6:30am. No idea what that was about but I had a lot of time to think. I realized I've been a complete idiot about radiation. I'm mentally fighting the treatment and not the disease. I've been angry towards the wrong things and I've taken it out on the nice people at the Cancer Center. I walk in each day, change clothes, sit in the waiting room waiting to be called, I lay down, they zap me, I change clothes and leave. I am not nice to anyone, I answer all questions with one syllables, I don't smile, I angrily tap my foot if I have to wait more than a couple of seconds, I lay there stiffly hating every second of it as I get radiated, and I fume the whole way home. They must think I am naturally a negative person. Then it hit me last night as I lay there thinking about what the heck I am going to do if it comes back. Radiation is my friend. I should be thinking postive healing thoughts while I am undergoing treatment. Plus the folks there do not deserve my attitude in the least. Today I walked in trying to be happier. Right away I noticed a difference. The receptionist who usually doesn't even look up when I walk in was waiting for me. "There you are - I was looking for you." Oh Oh I thought - she's looking for money. Nope - she asked f I wanted to sign up for an hour massage tomorrow. Of course I would. I asked how much it would cost and she said they were free for patients - the Susan G. Komen Foundation pays for them. Sweet - I like this place better already I thought. Then I grabbed a couple of Oreos from the goody box. Before I had a chance to even eat one they called my name. Early even! I have been wanting to ask them if I can come in early this Friday since I am going out of town for the weekend and I have a friend to pick up at the airport that morning. But I have been kind of nervous to ask since they have not been open to my change request before. First thing they say today though is that they would like it if I could come in early on Friday. Great timing! Then for he first time I watched the machine and imagined all those cancer cells being burned to death. I even played with the beams of light on my hand afterwards and got teased by the radiologists for goofing off. I actually enjoyed my short visit today and had my Oreos on the way home. I bet Dad even enjoyed having some conversation on the trip there and back. Instead of my brooding. Tomorrow I go an hour earlier for my massage! I might even smile this time.

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Funny Note - as we were walking into the center there was another lady walking in at the same time. She was on oxygen, had one foot in a cast, was all bent over, looked 90 years old until you got close and saw she was probably late 40s, was really struggling with each step. She looked one step from death's door and I felt bad for her. Then as I was walking past she turned to her companion and loudly whispered while pointing at me - "at least my hair didn't fall out".

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My hair is kind of starting to grow in but very strangely. There is the last of the old hair which never really fell out and that's growing in very dark and wiry. Then there's the new stuff that is like a very pale red and is very thin like baby hair. The combination is very interesting to touch so I find myself rubbing my head more than usual.

Oh Shoot!

Remember those eyebrows that I mentioned were starting to grow back in? Yeah - well, they all fell out again. They even took with them the few hairs that had been hanging around. Sigh - chemo, the gift that just keeps on giving. It sure does a number on one's body. It's almost been five weeks since the last "treatment" I would have thought I'd have more hair than this! If you haven't seen me since July you probably wouldn't recognize me. I even ran into an old co-worker and had to reintroduce myself. I was looking in the mirror today - something I have avoided the last few months - I look like the bad guy in the movies - part Lex Luther, part Borg Queen, part Gollum. Oh and I got called a guy the other day - what really stinks about it is I was wearing a skirt! It's annoying that I am finally starting to feel normal but I still look very sickly. I think I'll go out and play tomorrow and at least get some color on that pasty white scalp.

The Coyotes Are Howling Tonight

It sounds like they have the house surrounded. What a cool sound. The neighborhood dogs are joining in. When we first moved here Maddie would bark along but she learned that they never showed up to play with her so now she just rolls her eyes and goes back to sleep.

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So, I am back amongst the living. This last chemo sent me for a loop. I spent Thursday night through Tuesday morning pretty much bed bound. I did go out for the BEST strawberry milkshake ever on Sunday but later that night the pain really hit. I went to work again on Tuesday and don't plan any more sick days - at least for chemo. I am still a bit sore, seem to tire very easily, and have a cold / cough that I can't seem to shake.

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My eyebrows held on strong but the last of them fell off over the weekend. My eyelashes though are still 80% there!

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I think we had close to 100 trick or treaters at the house. Maddie and I were in the bedroom but the door bell sure rang a lot. Mom had to make up some extra candy handouts.

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Once again during the worst of the chemo weekend I had all sorts of trouble sleeping. So, I read instead. I started and finished eight books. It helps me enormously to have my mind somewhere other than this bedroom. Most chemo weekends I leaned towards fiction. This time it was mostly adventure non fiction. I read a book about a lady who walked across half of Australia with four camels, I read about an all female trip up Annapurna in the 70s, there was a book about two ladies who traversed Antarctica, the always interesting book about death in the Grand Canyon (not a cancer death in there!), a book with short stories from Colorado river boatmen, and the book I am just now finishing by the guy who hiked from one end of the Grand Canyon to the other under the rim. I think I am ready to get out there and have my own adventures!

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I keep meaning to post on this blog. I know there are a few of you keeping up with my progress through it and you worry when I get too quiet for too long. Chemo just seems (seemed) to take away my ability to not only write coherently but the will to write at all. Now I am just so stuck in my own head and I don't want to be. And I don't want to even give a hint of how low I went mentally. I am disappointed with myself. I want to be able to explain it without too much drama but I want to be realistic about it. Each day I feel closer and closer to normal for longer and longer periods of time. I'm sure in a few days or weeks I'll have a posting with all sorts of thoughts about chemotherapy and my experience with it. Until then I am just trying to find my way back to Linda.

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And I so hate being bald.

Another Day - Another Day

Hi Everyone - checking in again. I worked today and seemed to be better as the day went on. Still tired and sore. Got off work at 5:30 and hurried home to eat and go to bed. I was exhausted. But as you can see - here it is 9:30 and I'm still up. I've taken both a pain pill and a sleeping pill and tried laying here for hours - nothing, still up. Watching "Amazing Wedding Cakes" and blogging. sigh... Very frustrating to me that I can be this sleepy but can't sleep. Of course 7:00am tomorrow I'll be sound asleep but will need to get up (Ok won't have to get up until 7:30, one nice thing about not having hair!). Not much else to say - I seem to get writer's block in the throes of chemo. Maybe I'll be more verbose tomorrow.

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I did get a sad email today. A lady named Dorit Shapiro lost her brave fight with stage IV breast cancer yesterday. You can see a tribute for her at www.designhergals.com. The video is on on the lower left of the web page - she gave the speech just last week and you can listen to her talk about her struggle and the charity she works with - the gal to gal foundation. She was 38.

Life is Great

I'm back to normal and I have a long, beautiful, sun kissed, sweet smelling, rose colored week to enjoy it! It's great how a lack of pain makes me a deliriously happy girl. I've been working long hours but who the heck cares when at least it's not a chemo torture day and it helps that I love my job. My lower eyelashes on my left eye all fell out last night but even that can't make me upset today or tomorrow or the next day. Woo Hoo! Not even that picture of me bald on this blog can get me down - I might not even delete it anytime soon. Hope everyone out there is having the great week like I am!

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Tomorrow is the first day of Breast Cancer Awareness Month.

Chemo 2 Linda 0

I'm still out here. Thanks for all the kind messages, texts, emails, cards, goodies, encouragement, prayers, etc. etc. etc. This was hard again but a bit better than last time. My teeth and nails don't hurt this time and I don't have that horrible fever. Everything else stills hurts but with the new meds I don't hurt as badly. The sleeping pills have also worked so they give me some relief. Having Mom and Dad here helps bunches also - it makes it harder to get lost in the pain when there is someone sitting at the end of the bed telling you that you have a pretty bald head! If I can go by what happened with the last chemo treatment hopefully I'll be feeling half way human again tomorrow afternoon. And pretty much back to normal by the end of the week. Thanks again everyone - your support helps like you wouldn't believe.

Chemo #2

Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the little voice at the end of the day that says I'll try again tomorrow. ~Mary Anne Radmacher

By this time tomorrow I'll have half of my chemo treatments done. I wish I had something profound to say about it. I wish I had any sort of thought about it - even being scared would be nice. But every time I start to think about it my mind shuts down. My brain refuses to even try to wrap itself around the thought of walking back into that place. I'm sure I will but it's just so overwhelming. At least for the next two weeks being bald will be the least of my worries.

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I wore a hat to work today but spent most of the time bare headed. My scalp is so tender that anything touching it is very distracting. Hopefully I won't spend the next three months being this self conscious. I look like Mr. Clean. I just need the earring and a smile.

There Are Some Things in Life You Should Never Have to See

OK, I'm bald. This morning I woke up with only a few hairs left on the top of my head and patches around the side. I wore a baseball hat for most of the day and then cut what was left as short as I could and then used nair to get the last few tufts. Wow - do I look terrible. And it feels funny. The good news is no prison tattoos, no moles, no "666", and no unknown scars that my parents would need to explain. Maybe I'll post a picture tomorrow, maybe I won't. Cancer sucks.

Howdy

Hi Everyone. Not much to report. I'm feeling pretty good. Just a bit of numbness in my legs and hands. The scalp has been tingly this week as the hair has been falling out. I don't have much for hair left but some thin strands that are trying their hardest to hang on for me. I'd say tomorrow will be about it for them. As my hair increased falling out my scalp has started to hurt. Everytime anything touches it I feel like I have a bad burn. I'm glad I purchased some soft satin pillow cases. I still haven't decided what I'm going to do with my baldness - I guess I'll make that decision when I have to walk out the door for the first time with no hair. I received a a great book about having cancer in the mail this week. It's called "There's No Place Like Hope" by Vickie Girard. I read her section about hair loss yesterday. "Hair loss allows our illness to enter the room before our name." "When I lost my hair, my eyelashes, my eyebrows, I felt as if I were being erased." "There is a sense of embarrassment that a 'little thing' like hair loss should even be a concern when we are fighting for our lives." "A bad hair day takes on a whole new meaning." And finally, "Rightfully mourn the loss of your hair as you would any other significant loss." I'm going to mourn my hair for a couple of more days and then I promise I'll get back to the task on hand of beating this disease with as much courage, good naturedness, and good old fashion fortitude as I can muster out of this exhausted body. I've got one chemo treatment finished and only three more to go. I can do anything three times.

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I've had company the last couple of days and really enjoyed them. I have the most amazing friends!

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This week I've pretty much done everything as normal. I must be living partly on adrenaline. I worked normal hours all week and didn't get a lot of sleep. After my friends left for Utah today I ran some errands and did things around the house and yard. I came inside and was feeling normal during a call to my mother. Then I don't know what happened but I woke up hours later on the couch with no idea how I even got there. I was planning on going into work for a few hours today but I think my body was telling me it needed a rest. I'll head to bed early tonight and hopefully it will have enough rest by tomorrow because I have bunches of stuff to get done before I feel like crap again starting on Tuesday.

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I hope everyone is having a good weekend.

Hair Hair Everywhere

It just keeps falling out all over everything. It's like I have my own rain cloud following me around but with hair instead of raindrops. In the right light I can see it floating away like leaves falling off an autumn tree in a gentle breeze. I'll be cleaning hair off my desk for weeks. I am so glad I got 90% of it cut off before this started. That was some of the best advice I've gotten so far. The hair loss is progressing faster each day. On Monday when I used two fingers and pulled at a pinch of my hair five to ten hairs would come out, on Tuesday it was fifteen to twenty, now it's thirty to forty. It's so bizarre - I just can't stop pulling it out. Which is dumb since I then don't know what to do with it - the trash I guess. What's interesting is I have all of this hair falling everywhere and if you could see me right now you would have no idea. My hair looks normal. We sure do have a lot of hair. If it continues at this rate though I'm pretty sure by morning it will look thin (I do try to pull it out from different parts of my head during my experimentation to avoid empty patches). I think tomorrow night will be "go bald" night. I'll cut it as short as I can and then nair or shave it. I don't want to be walking around with patchy hair. Guess I'll have to decide pretty quickly after that about what I am going to do then. Maddie might have to share her wigs.

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I heard from the Oncologist office today and I passed my blood test! Apparently my body is a white blood cell making machine. So, what do I win? Another fun filled adventure to the chemo torture chamber next Tuesday.

I Don't Want to Be Bald!!

So, they can't really tell you anything about how your body will react to chemo but everyone says it is around day 13 when your hair starts falling out. Today is Day 13 for me and yep this afternoon my hair started to fall out. Every time I would run my fingers through my hair 10 to 20 strands would come out. I had quite a pile on my desk by the end of the day. I worry about what I am going to wake up to in the morning. Sigh.......I really really don't want to spend the next few months bald but there is nothing absolutely nothing I can do about it now I suppose.

Day 12

Hi Everyone -

The hair is really short and at least tonight I'm not liking it so I'm not going to post a picture of it. I don't want to remember it and unless you can get here to visit in the next few days before I am bald none of you will get to remember it either. Don't worry though you can always see it this winter when the hair is growing out. I almost just had her shave it but she talked me into letting her cut it into some sort of style. So, it's really short in the back and longer and chunky on the top. I kind of felt bad for her - I think she really liked it but she could tell I hated it. I only teared up once on her though and I thanked her profusely and tipped her big.

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Today I am finally feeling "normal" again. My mental acuity is 95%, my strength is 85%, my sense of taste is back 100% (!), and my lack of pain is 90%. The hands and feet are still a little numb but hardly noticeable and my toe and finger nails are a bit achy. Other than those little things I'm back! I was at town for 5 hours today including driving with lots of walking. I might have overdone it a little - I got home, unpacked the car, laid down for a minute on the couch, and was dead to the world for two hours. I couldn't believe I napped that long but boy did it feel good.

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I'm already for the next round of chemo. I got everything I didn't know I'd need last time. Lots of clear liquid type foods (veggie broth, jello), gallons of different fruit and veggie juices, nice soft satin pillow cases, some heavy duty Aveeno bath soap for this dry skin, dog treats for Maddie for being such a great companion, more vitamins, a couple nice smelling candles, and some easily cooked fish and chicken organic meals. Now I know how my body reacts to being poisoned and hopefully I can make it a little more bearable or at least a little less miserable. Plus I have a week and a couple of days to feel good and to get mentally stronger. I refuse to let it beat me again!

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The highlight of my whole day was getting up early and driving over to the rim and looking over the edge. I sat at Yavapai point and watched the sun rise. I don't even know how to string together a group of words to explain the beauty of the Grand Canyon on a clear crisp morning. Others have tried and gotten much closer to it than I ever could so I'll just say it was pretty. It's interesting how we are such social creatures but it's when we are alone with God's natural creations that we can feel the most complete. And it sure made it impossible for me to feel sorry for myself. Life is Good!

An Ode to My Hair

If you have known me for awhile you know that I have always called my hair my nemesis - my struggles with it all through my life have been epic. My hair has refused to be anything that I have asked for it and I've spent thousands of dollars on the ungrateful follicles. Well tomorrow I will finally beat my enemy. I'm getting all but a couple of inches of it cut off and the rest of it will have fallen out by the end of the next week. Can I still be a super hero without an arch nemesis? Oh wait - I think I've found a new foe to vanquish.

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I've been watching Stand Up 2 Cancer on television tonight. Wow - some sobering statistics. And there sure are a lot of famous breast cancer survivors out there. I loved Melissa Etheridge's "I Stand for Life". And I just adore Robin Roberts - I hope I look as good as she does with short hair. And Fran Drescher with "cancer schmancer" - how great is that? I have to admit I got teary eyed a couple of times especially when the various survivors talked about when they first heard that they had cancer and how they know the date (7/8/08) - lots of folks out there who are doing this cancer thing with so much more bravery / dignity / hope than I am. So so many have it so so much harder than I do and there they are smiling / inspiring / doing so much for others. Every day I think that there has to be a bigger reason for going through all of this than just me. There has to be some way I can make this horrid struggle into something positive, something that means something, something much bigger than it is, something not so scary and ugly. I guess I'm spending too much time alone - too much time to think - too much time being dramatic. I'm hosting a wedding shower for a dear dear friend this weekend and I am so tickled to think that there will finally be laughter in my home again.

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It's been pretty quiet here since my sister and parents left. Hey middle sister - can you come visit and tuck my feet in again? I miss you deep in my heart. Mom - did you eat all of those Tootsie Roll pops?!? There are already more waiting for you. Dad - wait until you see the thousands of baby grass blades we have growing - lots of angels whispering "grow grow". Little sister - see you next month? Makes me smile on even a cellular level just thinking about it. And favored aunt - my heart is breaking, I am just so so sorry, I weep and just feel so helpless.

Today's Appointment with the Oncologist

It was nice to see Angel Nancy again. She stopped by while I was waiting in exam room one. I was all set for this appointment - I had my questions in a list, I visualized on the way over being calm and reasonable with the doctor, I took deep breaths, and had psyched myself up to keep my cool and stay focused. There must be something about that building though - I got out of my car and I started sweating and trembling. My hands were shaking so hard I could barely sign in. (I'll have to work on that because I'll be spending some quality time there.) So like I said , it was very nice to have Nancy stop by, calm me down, and laugh at my lame attempts at jokes. By the time the Doctor walked in I had most of my chemo procedural questions answered and I could ask him some reasonably intelligent medical questions.

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We got my oncotype test results back and they came out exactly as he predicted - I scored a 19. This is just barely into the average range - a few points lower and I would be in the low risk for recurrence range with a slow growing cancer. But average risk is better then high risk I'm thinking so it is not necessarily all bad news. The decision had already been pretty much made but these results sealed the deal - I will be going through chemotherapy. Since I have decided to not participate in the clinical trial he recommended that I do four treatments with Taxotere/Cytoxan. I'm with you - did we hear that right?? He said it again when I asked him to repeat it - only FOUR treatments - one every three weeks. That's six weeks shorter than I was expecting. If any of you had listened closely in a quiet moment this afternoon you might have heard me singing at the top of my lungs and dancing the whole way home. Probably not many people celebrate finding out they are doing chemo but I really really needed some good news and I took those six weeks and partied with them. Scheduling it all out - all of the treatments of chemo and radiation will be finished by Christmas - CHRISTMAS!! Huge New Year's Eve Party at my house and all of you are invited!

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And the winner of the "who gets to go with Linda to her first chemo" award is - drum roll please - opening the envelope - it's my little sister!! Yep - first chemo is on August 26th - two days after she gets here and one day after our Mother's birthday. Happy Early Birthday Mom!

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The Doctor held one hand up high and said "this is a very aggressive chemo treatment plan", he held the other low putting a couple of feet between the top and bottom hand "this is a nonaggressive chemo treatment", he moved the top hand down a couple of inches "this is the treatment we are using on you". He said one of the good points other than we are being aggressive is that with this TC treatment the side effects aren't usually as harsh as some other treatments can be. I will still lose the hair (blahblahblah - you have heard all about this ad nauseam) plus there can be some swelling. Oh great I have a few months of looking like Uncle Fester ahead of me. But hey that's six weeks less than I thought................ (sorry I took a break and did a little soft shoe)!!! He gave me a few prescriptions to be filled before the big day and sent me out to make all of the appointments. The first chemo trip will take most of the day with the different blood work that needs to be done and a bit of an orientation class. Once we start though he said it would only be a few hours in the chair.

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So quick recap, port put in next Tuesday August 19th, then the first chemo session on the 26th, hair all out by September 12th, second chemo the 16th of September, the third on October 7th, and the LAST treatment on October 28th. I should start radiation a couple of weeks after that (a little mini vacation for them from seeing me!) and even radiation should be finished by my birthday. I'm telling you - figuring out the whole logistics of this breast cancer thing is like having an annoying second job. I just wish it paid better. If I lose my day planner I'll never remember everything.

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So, those are the dates - anyone who wants to join Linda for a chemo session had better sign up soon because it's going to be over before any of us know it. Just having a game plan and moving forward to a cure is very encouraging for me.

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I'll be in Flagstaff tomorrow night getting ready for the Climb to Conquer Cancer hike on Saturday bright and early. I picked up our T-shirts today and they said 4,000 people will be there. I was thinking 500 - 4,000 seems like a huge number. I guess it just shows how many people have their lives touched somehow by cancer - or maybe they just have good food at the top of the mountain. I'll post pics later in the weekend.

Thanks Everyone!

What's in a Name? That Which We Call A Wig By Any Other Name Would Still Be A Wig

Did you know that there are stick-on eyebrows out there? They come in all sorts of sizes, colors, and shapes. Very intimidating, heck I just got my first brow wax only maybe three years ago. I've decided that my eyebrows aren't going to fall out - along with my eyelashes. I declare the area around my eyes as a chemo free zone. This would also be nice in keeping eye infections and dryness away so I can still wear my contacts. Hey - wait a minute though there are those Groucho Marx glasses with the built in eyebrows. hhmmmm...

So like I keep bringing up, I am weirded out by the whole bald thing so I've decided/trying to have fun with it. Everyday I can remake myself. Hat, scarf, commando, wig, drawn-in with a Sharpie hair, sunflower mural, rent it out for advertising..... The possibilities are endless. To avoid scaring children and to have nice hair for the first time in my life I did order a few very much on sale wigs (less than $150 for all three). See above - this is my "Alexa" persona from the online catalog. I ordered it in "cherry brown". How fun will that be? I've always wanted to be a red head and I like how the bangs are long so others won't be able to tell that I don't have eyebrows! The other two I ordered in blond - one for my "Destiny" persona and one called "Seduction". I think I had more fun with the names than I should have. All of the "Linda" wigs were terrible so I get a vacation from being myself.

Anyway, I would love to hear your ideas - preferably in ways I can make some $ - on what to do with the bald head. I am kind of excited to see what shape my head is - I'm thinking I'm an egg head. And I plan on getting most of it shaved off in a couple of weeks when my sister is here so that will be fun also. This cancer thing really is just one big adventure. Please remind me of that next month because that is easy to say now.

Anyone know how to keep a bald head from being blindingly shiny? Talcum powder? Flour? Foundation powder?