Chemo Today

Hi Everyone - Everything went fine today. Same as last time - got there early for blood work, had an hour off for shopping and breakfast, quick meeting with the oncologist, then into the chemo room for three hours. The oncologist said my blood work came back perfect (at least I'm passing cancer physically, I'll have to work harder on my mental grade) and he gave me a prescription for some pain and sleeping pills for this time around. My parents stayed with me most of the time which was very nice. They made the time fly. There were more women this time and the men all looked like they had showered at least once in the last month. I was once again the only one under the age of 50 and this time was the only one without hair. Every time I looked up at least one of the others was staring at me - they would half smile and look away. I wondered what they were thinking. Afterwards we ran a couple of errands and had a late lunch / early dinner at The Olive Garden. I'm starting to feel it tonight but not too bad - I'll be in bed by 8 and back to work tomorrow. It was no problem walking back in there - I didn't sleep more than four hours last night and had lots of time to think about it and heck any day these days when I feel fine is a great day and I wasn't going to waste the day feeling sorry for myself or afraid of what's coming or anything else negative.

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Small world story - one of the gentlemen in the treatment room I had met at my last treatment. I mentioned to Dad that he was from Michigan. As we were finishing up Dad asked him where he was from in Michigan. He said a small town called Grass Lake. Dad asked if the gentleman knew his parents. He said "Helen and Howdy"? Dad said "yeah, I'm their son." The gentlemen said "Helen is my second cousin". We had a little family reunion there in the treatment room. It made every one's day. He's on the three week schedule too so we will see him and his family again in a few weeks.

Chemo #2

Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the little voice at the end of the day that says I'll try again tomorrow. ~Mary Anne Radmacher

By this time tomorrow I'll have half of my chemo treatments done. I wish I had something profound to say about it. I wish I had any sort of thought about it - even being scared would be nice. But every time I start to think about it my mind shuts down. My brain refuses to even try to wrap itself around the thought of walking back into that place. I'm sure I will but it's just so overwhelming. At least for the next two weeks being bald will be the least of my worries.

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I wore a hat to work today but spent most of the time bare headed. My scalp is so tender that anything touching it is very distracting. Hopefully I won't spend the next three months being this self conscious. I look like Mr. Clean. I just need the earring and a smile.

There Are Some Things in Life You Should Never Have to See

OK, I'm bald. This morning I woke up with only a few hairs left on the top of my head and patches around the side. I wore a baseball hat for most of the day and then cut what was left as short as I could and then used nair to get the last few tufts. Wow - do I look terrible. And it feels funny. The good news is no prison tattoos, no moles, no "666", and no unknown scars that my parents would need to explain. Maybe I'll post a picture tomorrow, maybe I won't. Cancer sucks.

Howdy

Hi Everyone. Not much to report. I'm feeling pretty good. Just a bit of numbness in my legs and hands. The scalp has been tingly this week as the hair has been falling out. I don't have much for hair left but some thin strands that are trying their hardest to hang on for me. I'd say tomorrow will be about it for them. As my hair increased falling out my scalp has started to hurt. Everytime anything touches it I feel like I have a bad burn. I'm glad I purchased some soft satin pillow cases. I still haven't decided what I'm going to do with my baldness - I guess I'll make that decision when I have to walk out the door for the first time with no hair. I received a a great book about having cancer in the mail this week. It's called "There's No Place Like Hope" by Vickie Girard. I read her section about hair loss yesterday. "Hair loss allows our illness to enter the room before our name." "When I lost my hair, my eyelashes, my eyebrows, I felt as if I were being erased." "There is a sense of embarrassment that a 'little thing' like hair loss should even be a concern when we are fighting for our lives." "A bad hair day takes on a whole new meaning." And finally, "Rightfully mourn the loss of your hair as you would any other significant loss." I'm going to mourn my hair for a couple of more days and then I promise I'll get back to the task on hand of beating this disease with as much courage, good naturedness, and good old fashion fortitude as I can muster out of this exhausted body. I've got one chemo treatment finished and only three more to go. I can do anything three times.

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I've had company the last couple of days and really enjoyed them. I have the most amazing friends!

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This week I've pretty much done everything as normal. I must be living partly on adrenaline. I worked normal hours all week and didn't get a lot of sleep. After my friends left for Utah today I ran some errands and did things around the house and yard. I came inside and was feeling normal during a call to my mother. Then I don't know what happened but I woke up hours later on the couch with no idea how I even got there. I was planning on going into work for a few hours today but I think my body was telling me it needed a rest. I'll head to bed early tonight and hopefully it will have enough rest by tomorrow because I have bunches of stuff to get done before I feel like crap again starting on Tuesday.

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I hope everyone is having a good weekend.

Hair Hair Everywhere

It just keeps falling out all over everything. It's like I have my own rain cloud following me around but with hair instead of raindrops. In the right light I can see it floating away like leaves falling off an autumn tree in a gentle breeze. I'll be cleaning hair off my desk for weeks. I am so glad I got 90% of it cut off before this started. That was some of the best advice I've gotten so far. The hair loss is progressing faster each day. On Monday when I used two fingers and pulled at a pinch of my hair five to ten hairs would come out, on Tuesday it was fifteen to twenty, now it's thirty to forty. It's so bizarre - I just can't stop pulling it out. Which is dumb since I then don't know what to do with it - the trash I guess. What's interesting is I have all of this hair falling everywhere and if you could see me right now you would have no idea. My hair looks normal. We sure do have a lot of hair. If it continues at this rate though I'm pretty sure by morning it will look thin (I do try to pull it out from different parts of my head during my experimentation to avoid empty patches). I think tomorrow night will be "go bald" night. I'll cut it as short as I can and then nair or shave it. I don't want to be walking around with patchy hair. Guess I'll have to decide pretty quickly after that about what I am going to do then. Maddie might have to share her wigs.

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I heard from the Oncologist office today and I passed my blood test! Apparently my body is a white blood cell making machine. So, what do I win? Another fun filled adventure to the chemo torture chamber next Tuesday.

Any Day Homemade Chocolate Chip Cookies Show Up in The Mail Is A Great Day!

Today was Day 14 - Blood Work Day. I had an appointment at the local clinic today for my two weeks after chemo blood work. I told them when I made the appointment that I had a port they could use to draw the blood. She said that the nurses there were as trained as any nurses and that it should not be a problem. But surprise surprise no one there had ever used a port before. Good thing I brought along my power port guide and the access needle they gave me after the port implantation surgery. Using them they sure gave it a good try. I got all sorts of attention from the whole staff. Alas though, no matter how they poked the needle into the port no blood would come out. I'm really hoping they were doing something wrong and that there is not a kink in the tube. That would stink. So, in the end we drew the blood the old fashion way - a vein in my hand. They are going to do some research on power ports for next time and we will try again. Call me paranoid but I'm starting to think that nothing is going to be easy for me in this process. Like I heard somewhere - I don't suffer from cancer, I suffer from cancer treatment. Anyway, I should hear tomorrow how the results came back - hopefully my body has been making white blood cells faster than the chemo has been killing them. It kind of feels like my first test to see if I'm passing cancer or not!

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The day ended with dinner at the El Tovar while watching the sun set on the canyon. I keep trying to convince myself that my life is on hold for the next few months but life keeps finding a way of happening and dragging me along with it.

I Don't Want to Be Bald!!

So, they can't really tell you anything about how your body will react to chemo but everyone says it is around day 13 when your hair starts falling out. Today is Day 13 for me and yep this afternoon my hair started to fall out. Every time I would run my fingers through my hair 10 to 20 strands would come out. I had quite a pile on my desk by the end of the day. I worry about what I am going to wake up to in the morning. Sigh.......I really really don't want to spend the next few months bald but there is nothing absolutely nothing I can do about it now I suppose.

Chemo Angels

Here's a really cool thing - I was signed up with an organization called chemo angels. It is "volunteer organization dedicated to adding a ray of sunshine to the lives of those undergoing IV chemo treatment." They believe people going through the physical, emotional and mental rigors of chemotherapy deserve some encouragement. Many of their Chemo Angel volunteers are cancer survivors themselves, or people whose lives have been affected by cancer in some way. The common denominator is a desire to brighten the lives of cancer patients while they are going through this challenging time. I have two angels - a card angel and a chemo angel - Linda from Pennsylvania and Cindy from Kansas. They have been sending me great encouraging cards and will continue to do so through my treatment duration. It's a really nice thing that they do for a complete stranger. I can't wait to sign up next year from the other side and I'll get to be an angel.

Thanks Cindy and Linda!!

Day 12

Hi Everyone -

The hair is really short and at least tonight I'm not liking it so I'm not going to post a picture of it. I don't want to remember it and unless you can get here to visit in the next few days before I am bald none of you will get to remember it either. Don't worry though you can always see it this winter when the hair is growing out. I almost just had her shave it but she talked me into letting her cut it into some sort of style. So, it's really short in the back and longer and chunky on the top. I kind of felt bad for her - I think she really liked it but she could tell I hated it. I only teared up once on her though and I thanked her profusely and tipped her big.

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Today I am finally feeling "normal" again. My mental acuity is 95%, my strength is 85%, my sense of taste is back 100% (!), and my lack of pain is 90%. The hands and feet are still a little numb but hardly noticeable and my toe and finger nails are a bit achy. Other than those little things I'm back! I was at town for 5 hours today including driving with lots of walking. I might have overdone it a little - I got home, unpacked the car, laid down for a minute on the couch, and was dead to the world for two hours. I couldn't believe I napped that long but boy did it feel good.

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I'm already for the next round of chemo. I got everything I didn't know I'd need last time. Lots of clear liquid type foods (veggie broth, jello), gallons of different fruit and veggie juices, nice soft satin pillow cases, some heavy duty Aveeno bath soap for this dry skin, dog treats for Maddie for being such a great companion, more vitamins, a couple nice smelling candles, and some easily cooked fish and chicken organic meals. Now I know how my body reacts to being poisoned and hopefully I can make it a little more bearable or at least a little less miserable. Plus I have a week and a couple of days to feel good and to get mentally stronger. I refuse to let it beat me again!

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The highlight of my whole day was getting up early and driving over to the rim and looking over the edge. I sat at Yavapai point and watched the sun rise. I don't even know how to string together a group of words to explain the beauty of the Grand Canyon on a clear crisp morning. Others have tried and gotten much closer to it than I ever could so I'll just say it was pretty. It's interesting how we are such social creatures but it's when we are alone with God's natural creations that we can feel the most complete. And it sure made it impossible for me to feel sorry for myself. Life is Good!

An Ode to My Hair

If you have known me for awhile you know that I have always called my hair my nemesis - my struggles with it all through my life have been epic. My hair has refused to be anything that I have asked for it and I've spent thousands of dollars on the ungrateful follicles. Well tomorrow I will finally beat my enemy. I'm getting all but a couple of inches of it cut off and the rest of it will have fallen out by the end of the next week. Can I still be a super hero without an arch nemesis? Oh wait - I think I've found a new foe to vanquish.

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I've been watching Stand Up 2 Cancer on television tonight. Wow - some sobering statistics. And there sure are a lot of famous breast cancer survivors out there. I loved Melissa Etheridge's "I Stand for Life". And I just adore Robin Roberts - I hope I look as good as she does with short hair. And Fran Drescher with "cancer schmancer" - how great is that? I have to admit I got teary eyed a couple of times especially when the various survivors talked about when they first heard that they had cancer and how they know the date (7/8/08) - lots of folks out there who are doing this cancer thing with so much more bravery / dignity / hope than I am. So so many have it so so much harder than I do and there they are smiling / inspiring / doing so much for others. Every day I think that there has to be a bigger reason for going through all of this than just me. There has to be some way I can make this horrid struggle into something positive, something that means something, something much bigger than it is, something not so scary and ugly. I guess I'm spending too much time alone - too much time to think - too much time being dramatic. I'm hosting a wedding shower for a dear dear friend this weekend and I am so tickled to think that there will finally be laughter in my home again.

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It's been pretty quiet here since my sister and parents left. Hey middle sister - can you come visit and tuck my feet in again? I miss you deep in my heart. Mom - did you eat all of those Tootsie Roll pops?!? There are already more waiting for you. Dad - wait until you see the thousands of baby grass blades we have growing - lots of angels whispering "grow grow". Little sister - see you next month? Makes me smile on even a cellular level just thinking about it. And favored aunt - my heart is breaking, I am just so so sorry, I weep and just feel so helpless.