Another Chemo Note......

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When you cry during chemo - the tears actually burn.
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WOW - did anyone get the license number of that truck that hit me?!!?

Sorry - took a week or so off. I haven't even turned on this computer since I last posted. CHEMO SUCKS! It hit me the worst from last Friday about 1:30pm until Sunday morning around 10:30. I thought I was ready for about everything but I had no idea how much pain there would be. I never wanted to be dead but I remember thinking at one point that I wouldn't mind if I died. What made it harder was that I couldn't sleep at all during the worst period. I think I slept 4 hours total between Friday and Sunday. I just laid in bed in agony and tylenol didn't help at all - it was crazy how many things can hurt at once and just randomly. I can remember the tops of my feet feeling like they were on fire but at the same time my teeth felt like they were being pulled out with the worst back pain I had ever felt in my life with my joints feeling like they were being pulled apart. And then to top it off my teeth kept clamping shut randomly cutting up whatever was in the way so my mouth was full of blood - I looked like I was eating small rodents or something (too much info?). I so wanted to fall deep asleep and get some relief - I dozed off at one point and dreamt that rats were chewing off my toes I woke up screaming but wished I hadn't since I felt worse in real life. I still can't grasp how bad it got - and I swear I'm not a wimp when it comes to pain. I also had a bit of a temperature that weekend but it never stayed very high so I never called the oncologist like I maybe should have. One good thing - I was never nauseous so was able to eat and drink and keep down meds through all of it which had to help. Plus I spent the weekend sweating like I had run a marathon so I know my body was working overtime to get those poisons out any way it could. After that first chemo treatment my sister told me she was proud of me and that I had just done the hardest thing I will ever do in my life. I'll tell you what - walking back into that place in a week and a half knowing what I know now is going to be mighty tough. New game plan since we now know how I react - some tougher pain medication and something to help me sleep so I can get some relief. And it sure could be easier these next three times - heck just knowing that the pain doesn't last forever will help me psychologically. And boy did the timing did work out - I only missed a couple of hours of work on Friday. Other than that I've been able to work full time since chemo started.

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Since Sunday I've been pretty tired and still in some pain. All of my senses (except hearing for some reason) have changed - it's actually kind of funny though how just about everything about me is different. I think differently, I breathe differently, I taste things differently, everything feels different, Maddie sniffs at me like I smell differently, my limbs work differently, and I change differently. Seems like something different is different every hour or so. One hour I can't quite see right, can't remember what one of my good friends looks like, my tongue and shoulders hurt, and my left knee is sore. The next hour my toenails are killing me, I can't remember what Pringles are, the top of my mouth feels like sandpaper, and my hands are so numb I can hardly move my fingers. Some sick part of me kind of likes to observe all of this just to see what this thing can do to me next. Maybe something fun like making asparagus taste good or invisibility or even a good night's sleep. Anyway, maybe I should say - CHEMO SUCKS DIFFERENTLY!

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So, now I just try my best at work each day and come home and crash. There is such a thing as chemo brain. I'm having a hard time concentrating and get distracted all the time. I've made some easy mistakes at work but now that I know I'm doing them I make sure and triple check my work. I think it's actually helped me to work during this. I love my job and it's a fun challenge every day. So, while it's probably tougher physically (helps though that I'm a desk bound paper pusher) - the mental challenge and distraction has been a God send.

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I had so wanted to get thank you cards out to all of you this weekend. I am so sorry I wasn't able to - so here's another BIG BLOG THANK YOU! and I hope to get them at least started this weekend.

Images of Chemo

Home of My New Best Friends

Waiting for Blood Results to Get The Show on The Road

Drawing Blood

All Hooked Up and Ready to Go


Hey Look Hats!

And Wigs!
Chemo Poison Number One - Shouldn't it be red and bubbling?
My Buddy Stephen Colbert Helping Me Through The Bad Times
Lucky Sunflower Socks!
The Perfect Support Team!

Quiet Moment in Chemo Room

Done!

It was a long day but we had a good time - well, as good as you can have starting chemo. Having my sister and brother-in-law there was probably the only way I made it. We got there at 8:30 or so for the blood work. They had some problems finding the lab request so that added to the waiting but once they found it we got the show on the road. They used my port to draw the three huge vials of blood they needed and it was so easy. All they did was spray on some cold spray of some sort and then stuck the needle in. I didn't feel a thing. We were then given an hour off for breakfast and my sister and I had a couple of huge awesome breakfast burritos. We then got to go back for a meet and greet with the oncologist and he said the blood results looked good so off to the chemo room we went. There were others in the room - I think up to 6 of us at one point. I was the only one under 55 and was only one of two females during the whole day. I definitely felt out of place. All of the other men were a bit gruff. The guy sitting next to me for most of the day spent most of his time coughing and hacking in our direction while having inappropriate conversations on his phone. If I didn't have my support staff there to talk to me I would have been very uncomfortable. I'm glad my little sister didn't leave me like I kept trying to get her to. The first thing the nurse did was give me a couple of meds to help with the nausea. One first was just a quick shot into my IV - Aloxi - and then other took 20 minutes of dripping - Decadron, a steroid. In between every step they dripped in saline to move things along. After the two anti-nausea meds they started the Taxotere. Watching the first drip was the hardest. It looked just like the saline - You would think it would at least be smoking or bubbling - but it just looked normal. It dripped really fast and I knew then it was too late to stop the process. I hoped I wasn't making a huge mistake. Killing you body to save your body - just doesn't make sense. But there we were. There were three of us newbies there that day so we took our IV stands with us and had a chemo orientation in the breast cancer resource room. There was the nurse and a social worker. We talked about side effects , resources, nutrition, procedures, etc. It was nice. I even stayed behind and picked out a new wig. The Theresa I believe. Angel Nancy came by the chemo room and brought by hand knitted caps - so I got a couple of fun soft ones to sleep in. Then it was back to the chemo room and chemo number two - Cytoxan. The Taxotere and the Cytoxan each took an hour to complete. Then I got a shot of Neulasta in my left arm. Neulasta is a white blood cell booster to help protect against chemo-related infection. This part hurt more than anything else all day. (Little known fact - now that I have had lymph nodes taken from my right arm I will have to have all shots, bloodwork, and even blood pressure taken from my left arm). Then they flushed my port and sent us on our way. You know - nothing says chemo treatment like Long John Silvers! Yep greasy fried fish and shrimp ended my perfect first chemo day.

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I woke up this morning - day 3 - and felt much better. I got worse as the day went on though - just sore, tired, hard to concentrate, a lot like yesterday. But once again I worked all day and was able to take the dog for a walk. Nothing I can't handle yet.

Chemo - Day 2

OK - it's kicking my butt big time. Nothing fun or silly about this today. I'm exhausted and sore. My teeth hurt, my legs are killing me. I'm cold then hot. It's hard to concentrate and everything tastes funny. I can wear a ring again and still have one more dose of "anti-swelling" meds to take in the morning. I gave in and took an anti nausea pill this evening. But heck I've got my hair for 12 more days and I worked all day. I've been able to eat and even went for a little walk with Maddie. So, no more whining - it could be much worse. Going to bed soon. Tomorrow is another day. I'll get chemo treatments pictures up tomorrow night.

Quick Update

Everything went fine today. It started at 8:30 and we were having lunch at 2:30. Once again everyone was wonderful at the Cancer Center. It was such a blessing to have my sister and brother in law there - as much as I tried to get her to go do something more fun she refused to leave my side. The only time I started to get upset was when the poison started dripping. I spent most of the afternoon staring at it - it drips so fast. I'll post photos and details of the day tomorrow or the next day. I feel fine tonight - maybe a bit tired but I think that's just from not getting any sleep last night. I'm also starting to swell a little bit. My ring doesn't fit. I think I'll go take Maddie for a quick walk, try to drink some more water, and get a good night's sleep. Thanks for all the kind messages of encouragement. One down - only three more to go............

OK - Now We Are Getting Somewhere

Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgement that something else is more important than fear. ~Ambrose Redmoon

I've packed for tomorrow. I've got a camera, some thank you cards to start writing, cinnamon tic tacs (for the bad taste in my mouth!??), lots of water, my anti-swelling pills, some anti-nausea pills, a book, my homework, and a pen. I made sure the car is still starting (it wasn't this past weekend). I've been drinking water like crazy all day and had my last meal of garlic pizza - yum! I worked late so not much time for getting nervous this evening. We washed the pink shirt I'm wearing tomorrow. I'm always cold so I'm pretty sure I'll just wear jeans - maybe I'll change my mind in the morning. Do you think flip flops are too casual? We called Mom and sang HAPPY BIRTHDAY! The alarm is set for 6:30am so we can hit the road by 7:00am. The blood draw is planned for 8:30am then we will get some breakfast for an hour so the results can come back - then it's meet with the oncologist - then a quick chemo orientation and then we start. I have no idea what I am forgetting or for that matter what I am getting into. I hope I am brave enough to walk into the building and I hope I don't start crying. Well, it feels like the first day of school - I need to go get a good night's sleep. By this time tomorrow I'll be 25% finished with my chemo treatments. Heck - I can do anything three times and this will be only four times and that's just one more time than three. I can do this in a snap........if I can do the first one........good night

No Interesting News

My little sister and her husband made it here just fine on Saturday night. We drove down to Sedona, explored, and bought fudge today. We also picked up the last of my meds for chemo this week. Seems like everyone has a different theory on what works for them with chemo. I'm trying to eat better - give or take a little fudge - and starting tomorrow I'm going to drink lots and lots of water. I keep reading that it helps flush out the poisons faster. I'm getting pretty nervous but once I get going and see it's not as bad as I imagine everything will be better. Still not embracing the port - the bruise ended up starting on the top of my shoulder and ending about half way down to my stomach. I can see why the surgeon wasn't happy when I started twisting around in surgery trying to see what was going on. I bet he totally knocks me out next time. With a baseball bat as my middle sister said! Anyway, I'm still sore from getting the port and sometimes it feels like I have a big rubber band around my neck which makes it hard to take a deep breath and makes me claustrophobic of all things. I was on the verge of a panic attack earlier this week and I was close to just walking back into the hospital and have it taken out. But now each day seems to get better and I'm sure once chemo starts on Tuesday I will be very glad to have it. It is really irritating when I drive though because the port is right under the seat belt. OK OK - I'll quit griping about the port - you have to admit though that it is kind of gross to have an implant sticking out of your collarbone and being able to feel the tube going up the vein makes me cringe even thinking about it. I really want it out but the thought of having it pulled out while being awake - ugh ................OK - back to ignoring it!

What Cancer Cannot Do

Cancer is so limited...
It cannot cripple love
It cannot shatter hope
It cannot corrode faith
It cannot destroy peace
It cannot kill friendship
It cannot suppress memories
It cannot silence courage
It cannot invade the soul
It cannot steal eternal life
It cannot conquer the spirit.
-Author Unknown

This is printed on some of the cancer literature I've been given. I'm feeling much better today - still quite sore though and the port is bugging me. It sticks out quite a bit and I guess I'm just uncomfortable with the thought of something implanted in me. I'm sure I'll love it once it heals and chemo starts. Also, sad about the sister and parents leaving in the morning. It has been so nice to have them here. Lots and lots of laughter! I'm only going to be sad for a day though - then I get to be excited again since the baby sister will be here with her husband on Saturday night. The wigs have come in and they are - well.........wiggy. Hope all of you are well and having a good week.

A Port for the Storm

My Lucky Sunflower Socks

My Support Team!

My Two New Scars My IV
My Gurney http://www.boston.com/news/local/articles/2008/08/20/cancer_blogs_become_part_of_treatment/

So, when they say it's only the size of a quarter - it's not. I must have a special one because it's more like the size of a marshmallow right now with the swelling. And it's purple - not that anyone can tell but it's a purple triangle the size of four stacked quarters. My surgeon called it my new best friend. No more needles in the veins - everything will now go through my port.

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The week started out with a very nice surprise - my parents brought my middle sister with them. She left her family and flew out from Texas to be here for the surgery. I would have said that my big mouth family would never ever be able to surprise me but there she was ringing the doorbell with me standing there trying to figure out which neighbor was standing there with flowers. Funny though - it did kind of upset me. "I must be really sick for you to be here" I said. "I'm not here here because you are really sick and I feel I have to see you while I can" she replies "I'm here because we are all in this together". It made me tear up. It is so nice to have her here.

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We got to the hospital bright and early and then spent much more time sitting around for this surgery. It's cold in those gowns but they brought me heated blankies. The surgeon said that when he takes the port out in a few months he can just do it in his office. They insert it in a hospital since there is a very real concern with infection. All of the hospital staff was once again wonderful - so very friendly. My sister was a little ray of sunshine. She took most of the above pictures and kept us and the staff laughing the whole time. She even conned some guy into letting her push my wheelchair out to the car. She didn't even run me into a wall.

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The surgery itself went pretty fast. They just had to sedate me. I remember being awake for most of it and trying to see what was going on but they kept making me turn my head. As you can see in the bottom picture above they put the port in under the skin right beneath my collarbone. They then sent a tube up towards my neck to where the top incision is and then inserted it into jugular vein down into the superior vena cava. I can feel the tube with my fingers - yuck. I don't remember much from the drive home except holding my sister's hand.

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I am very glad I did not start chemo today. I woke up still dizzy and nauseous. And I can't believe how much this thing hurts. It was impossible to lay down and not be in constant pain so I didn't get much sleep even with the percocet. It hurts to move my neck at all - even breathing. I tried to work this morning but only made it an hour and a half before I had to come home and nap. I made it most of the afternoon but spent a bit of time losing my lunch in the bathroom. The hospital called to check on me. She wasn't very happy that I was at work but I pointed out that I was not driving or signing legal documents. Tonight I feel better and dinner is staying down. It still really hurts though. And as you can see it looks yucky too. We will see if it's worth it or not - getting the port. I do get to wear a pretty purple bracelet to let any emergency personnel know that I have the port. So, we are all set to go next week. Next stop chemo.

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HAPPY 43rd ANNIVERSARY TOMORROW MOM AND DAD!

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And hey look an article about cancer blogs that I saw referenced on "My Cancer Deployment" blog -

I Just Want to Say..

I have a definite love/hate relationship with this blog. I started it one night when I was scared to death and just wanted to work through everything happening in my life - it was like talking to someone about it without really talking to someone about it. I liked the thought of being able to be scared/weak/lonely/whiny/depressed/hurt/angry/any other of the negative emotions that show up at night when I have too much time to think - without showing those weaknesses to those I wanted to believe that I was strong/brave/funny/inspiring/all the good things that I could be in the face of this. Well, we all know I can't keep secrets - I told my parents and sisters about the site. Still thinking too much, I thought it would be a way for them to see that I was struggling but not have to see it in my face. They nicely asked if they could share the blog with other family members so they could know what was happening and they would be able to hear how I was feeling. I seriously thought about it. I struggle with looking weak as much as I struggle with asking for help. I also worried that I would start to edit my thoughts to be less "harsh" than I am in real life and I would lose this blog as an emotional outlet for myself. I might become more of a "reporter" of my breast cancer experience less of a participant - any of this making sense? I did though see the desire of those that love me to participate themselves in what I was going through and to be able to assure themselves from long distances that I was OK. I decided yes let's send the blog address to other friends and family. I have had some truly great responses to this blog and I enjoy writing it for myself and for my loved ones. It has become to be a challenge though to always be "on" - you know witty, funny, informative without being boring, grammatically correct without too many run on sentences, etc. Like I said - it's a love/hate relationship.

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The part I didn't really think about though was the readers of the blog who don't know me. I've had readers from 10 countries and most states. This is by no means a problem - all are welcome to stop by at anytime. I have gotten many supportive emails from some of these readers - many of them also with breast cancer. I have also gotten some very negative ones - it is to them I that I want to sincerely say - I am sorry if I am making breast cancer seem "easy" and that I am "flippant" and "silly" about it and seem to be having "too much fun". I agree - there is nothing easy about cancer and the whole experience is horrible and ugly and painful and physically/emotionally scarring and scary and life changing and facing my mortality has taught me what a weak person I am. I break into tears at the drop of a hat and hate hate hate everything about this so I don't mean to be flippant and fun about it - HOWEVER - while everyone is welcome to read this blog - I am writing this for me and my loved ones and by god I will continue to do so as I see fit. If that means I crack jokes to make me and them smile - I will. If I don't feel like I want to tell about all of the bad stuff - I won't. Or if I want to make fun of my respone to the bad stuff - I will. If it means I have to work through it all slowly only letting it out a bit at a time to let my loved ones think I am fine - I WILL! This is my experience and I will share it as I see fit. If you knew me in person you would know that silly, flippant, and fun are good words to describe me - we will see if breast cancer changes that. I hope not but stay tuned.

Thank you