Oh Shoot!

Remember those eyebrows that I mentioned were starting to grow back in? Yeah - well, they all fell out again. They even took with them the few hairs that had been hanging around. Sigh - chemo, the gift that just keeps on giving. It sure does a number on one's body. It's almost been five weeks since the last "treatment" I would have thought I'd have more hair than this! If you haven't seen me since July you probably wouldn't recognize me. I even ran into an old co-worker and had to reintroduce myself. I was looking in the mirror today - something I have avoided the last few months - I look like the bad guy in the movies - part Lex Luther, part Borg Queen, part Gollum. Oh and I got called a guy the other day - what really stinks about it is I was wearing a skirt! It's annoying that I am finally starting to feel normal but I still look very sickly. I think I'll go out and play tomorrow and at least get some color on that pasty white scalp.

Other Cancer Blogs

I have no idea why it helps to read other people's experiences with cancer but it does for me. I guess maybe it's knowing that I'm in good company and am definitely not alone in what is happening to my body and mind (and hair) that comforts me. I added a new blog on My Favorite Blogs List on the left side of this page. It's called "...Lace Up Your Gloves..." I saw one of Jen's posts on the YSC board and have spent the last couple of hours reading her blog. Jen is amazing - if you have a chance read about her journey and watch her video about why she participates in the Arizona Breast Cancer 3 Day walk. It's a 60 mile fundraising walk benefiting Susan G. Komen for the Cure. It looks like it is in November next year. I hate fund raising but I love to walk. I've requested a brochure. I'll read it over - maybe I'll give it a try next year. www.the3day.org

Happy Thanksgiving Everyone!

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Some great quotes that were sent to me or that I have read on some of the breast cancer support boards.

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"We delight in the beauty of the butterfly but rarely admit the changes it has gone through to achieve that beauty" Maya Angelou.I have heard there are troubles of more than one kind.

Some come from ahead and some come from behind.

But I've bought a big bat. I'm all ready you see.

Now my troubles are going to have troubles with me!~Dr. Seuss

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We participants in the front lines of the "Cancer Wars" are just ordinary men and women drafted without our consent into this service. We need not be victims. We can turn this experience to ultimate good in service to others. The choice is ours.Gerald W. White, P.E., in Cancer Wars Maars Journey on the cancer healing power of visualisation, prayer and the mind

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Courage is being scared to death, but saddling up anyways..- John Wayne

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She didn't just survive; she became.
--unknown

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"Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind" Dr. Seuss.Frodo: I wish the ring had never come to me. I wish none of this had happened.

Gandalf: So do all who live to see such times. But that is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us.

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"Courage is grace under pressure."Ernest Hemingway.

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"My barn having burned to the ground, I can now see the moon." -Japanese proverb

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"What lies behind us,and what lies before us,are tiny matters compared to what lies within us."--Emerson

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"The Mountains are calling and I must go." --John Muir

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"Feed your faith (spirit) and your fears will starve to death." --Author Unknown

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" Keep your face to the sunshine and you cannot see the shadow. "Helen Keller

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Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the little voice at the end of the day that says I'll try again tomorrow. ~Mary Anne Radmacher.
I wanted you to see what real courage is, instead of getting the idea that courage is a man with a gun in his hand. It's when you know you're licked before you begin but you begin anyway and you see it through no matter what. You rarely win, but sometimes you do. ~Harper Lee, To Kill a Mockingbird.
“Promise me you'll always remember: You're braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think." Christopher Robin to Pooh.
" It's snowing still," said Eeyore gloomily. "So it is." "And freezing." "Is it?" "Yes," said Eeyore. "However," he said, brightening up a little, "we haven't had an earthquake lately.”
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A friend is someone who knows the song in your heart and can sing it back to you when you have forgotten the words..True friendship isn't about being there when it's convenient; it's about being there when it's not.."Are you upset little friend? Have you been lying awake worrying? Well, don't worry...I'm here. The flood waters will recede, the famine will end, the sun will shine tomorrow, and I will always be here to take care of you." -Charlie Brown to Snoopy

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You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You must do the thing which you think you cannot do. =Eleanor Roosevelt

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"Given the choice between the experience of pain and nothing, I would choose pain”
William Faulkner

Eight Down - Only Twenty Five Treatments to Go

I'd like to say the time is going past quickly but I can't. It seems that just as soon as something important is happening at work I have to jump in my car and leave for three and a half hours. The days are also longer when I have to add those three and a half hours onto the end of the work day. I work, I drive to town, and I sleep with ten minutes at the cancer center in the middle of it all. Time has to be going by slowly for Dad also. At least I can sleep during the drive. I offer to drive but every day he declines my offer and by the time we hit the park boundary I have my eyes closed and am probably snoring. I wouldn't be able to have the treatments and work full time without him. i would be too exhausted.

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Tomorrow is Thanksgiving. I have a huge list of things for which I am thankful. My friends and family are at the top of that list. Thanks everyone!

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Blog info I found interesting. I've had visitors to this blog from 37 different states and 18 different countries. I've had 3,591 visits by 570 unique visitors. That's a lot of folks reading my late night ramblings. Thanks for visiting! I'll try not to let it make me nervous. ;)

A Beautiful Arizona Weekend

The weather here has just been perfect. I finally got out and played again this weekend. We went exploring south of Williams. I was reminded how out of shape I was on a mile and a half hike but I am already working on fixing that. This is a petroglyph we saw on the hike.

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Radiation takes 9 minutes from car to car. I had a treatment today - Sunday - so we can all have a four day weekend over Thanksgiving. I have to work most of that time but it will be nice not to make the drive every day.

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Not much else going on - unless you watched 24:Redemption tonight. Then we have all sorts of things to talk about. Like Tony Almeida is alive?!?! And how it's always nice to see Jack again. It's reassuring to see what a great shot he is compared to the bad guys. Plus am I right in hearing that Janeane Garofalo is going to be on Season 7? Yep - I'm coming back to life just in time for the next season of 24. I think college basketball is starting now also! It's good to be back. And I've given up on being angry. I'm just excited to get this radiation thing done and over with and I'm looking forward to moving on.

I'm Angry

I've moved on to a new emotional stage in my cancer adventure. As you know I started out with shock and numbness, I then moved onto complete denial (I still have partial denial). Then during chemo I was just too miserable to even care. Now I've moved onto anger. I'm try to make angry eyes right now to show you my anger but it's hard to do without any eyebrows. I've only been to three radiation treatments so far and I think they hate seeing me coming. Yep - that's right I never knew this but apparently when I am angry I tend to take it out on others. I wish that at least someone deserves it but everyone at the cancer center is being so great (darn them!) Anger is a new emotional state for me. Yeah - I'm still really angry at the stupid University of Michigan for winning the NCAA basketball tourney in 1989, smoke starts coming out of my ears even thinking about it, but in general I am not at all an angry person. Until now. I'm angry I had to get cancer when I live so far from town. I'm angry that I've added four tattoos to my four scars. I'm angry I'm still bald. I'm angry that I've lived here since July and I have not been below the rim once yet. I'm angry that this feels like someone else's body. I'm really angry at my insurance company but that's a blog for another day. I'm angry that I have no control of my life right now. I'm angry at myself for being so unhealthy with my eating habits. I'm angry that an unforeseen project at work is making me work more hours than I should (can). I'm angry at myself for being angry - I have so many blessings and here I am being angry at the world (heck I had surprise champange show up in the mail today, how awesome is that?). I'm angry that in the past four and a half months I look like I've aged ten years. I'm especially angry that after four and a half months of "treatment" - there is still no end in sight. Right now I may not be failing cancer but I am getting a C-. I think I know a sister that owes me a butt kicking and not a lollipop. AARRGGGHHHH!!

One Down - Thirty Two To Go

Yeah, I'm already over the drive. Any way you look at it radiation will take three and a half hours every day. I was really cranky having to leave work today. There is just too much to do and I'm way too busy for this. Who knew cancer took so much time?! Anyway, once I got there it only took a half an hour or so. Most days though it will take less than ten minutes. This time they had to take a few more X-rays and pictures. They also drew a great big square on me. He said I could wash it off so no idea what they was all about. Interesting note - when I am laying on the table they put a big rubber band on my feet to hold them together. That's the worst part of the whole procedure. We then worked on my radiation schedule. Apparently they are really busy right now (something in the water?) so I didn't get much say in my times. Right now I am booked for 1:45pm every day. Which I will make work. I was just hoping to stay in town at least once a week to avoid a bit of the drive. They said I should ask again later this week and see if we can change Mondays and Tuesdays. As much as I hate it admit it - this was just the last straw. I struggle with this whole feeling of having no control and when I met with the social worker I cried. I didn't cry much but enough that she handed me some tissues. It's been awhile since I've cried over this situation so I guess it needed to get out. I'm just so frustrated. Oh well - it's just one more step in the process. Radiation will be over before I know it and let's face it - IT'S NO CHEMO! Plus now that I have my schedule I can make an appointment to have my port out - that will be a great milestone. And my parents are here so I have someone to drive with. I had a nice nap today on the way there with my Dad driving. I kind of feel bad for them this trip. All of the other trips here they have had to house to themselves as I was either at work or in bed. Now I'm up and around and I'm in my chair where Dad usually is, I'm watching Prison Break instead of the news shows they usually watch in the evening, and I tend to sometimes be messy. Dad's already napping and I heard them earlier wondering what happened in the world today. Oh well - at least this time I have the energy to help with doing the dishes and I now contribute to conversations and I made dessert tonight. I might not be the best company for them but I'm not the worst.

Back to Being A Member of Society

I'm back to interacting with the world rather than glimpsing it through my bedroom window. I'd say I'm feeling 95% of normal - give or take being in horrible shape and getting winded just walking a block or so. I must say I am delighted to be back. I'm not sure the world missed me or even noticed I was gone for the past four and a half months but I sure missed it. Remember the sushi dinner with friends I was looking forward to? I've had two of those now and they were worth the wait. I've had a friend staying here for the past two weeks and it was great for me. We went out, we had friends here, we stayed up late, we talked and talked and talked, we watched movies, we ate lots of cheese (mmmm cheeeeese), and best of all there was lots of laughter. Ah - to be normal again! Phoenix this weekend was a nice break too. I've never lived in a city unless you count Champaign or Toledo. I practically twist my neck out of shape looking around at things and people watching. We got pedicures. I even agreed to having flowers put on my big toes. It has been forever since I've felt even close to girlie so I am smiling at my flowered red sparkly toes right now. I've got all sorts of new hairs growing in on my head. They look pretty dark but that's OK. I've glimpsed one pretty light one sticking up on the top so there might be some grey coming in. The old Linda would have probably plucked it but at least for now every hair is sacred! Another chemo strange thing - my fingernails have four white stripes across them - one for each treatment. Odd. Oh - and I've got a few eyebrows coming in also. I was watching a Travel Channel show on the southwest tonight. Man are there some great places in this area to explore - not to mention the big ditch in my backyard. I can't wait until January to get started. I think that's about it for random thoughts for tonight. It's nice to be back - back home and back to Linda.

Finally - I Am The Wild Rebellious Sister!

I now have FOUR tattoos - that's three more than both of my sisters combined!

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Radiation Simulation Day is over. I got there at the appointed hour and to get to the radiation waiting room I had to pass the chemo room. I didn't want to look into it and bring back bad memories but then I had to when I heard the noises that were coming from it. It sounded and looked like a party was going on in there. All of the chairs were full with people that actually looked healthy - there was a movie playing on the big screen TV and there was talking and laughter. I get homeless looking chronic coughing guys with me on Tuesdays (and they were very nice to me). No one told me that the cool kids get chemo on Fridays. It almost made me wish I was in there with them. HA - just kidding. I skipped past the room glad it wasn't me and wishing all of them the best.

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I met with my radiation oncologist next. She had all sorts of good news for me. First of all instead of the 30 sessions I was planning on which would get me finished right at the end of the year. (Thereby I would avoid having to pay my deductible and co-insurance payments in the new year plus to top it off my company is changing insurance companies at the end of the year.) I will instead have 33 sessions. 33?! Who comes up with this stuff. Anyway, no matter how I try to count the days I won't be finished in 2008. Secondly she told me that I can't take baths during treatment. Oh heck - that one hurt. I do love a good bath. Then to top it off she tells me that they not only aren't open on Thanksgiving or Christmas, they aren't open on those Fridays. Which you wouldn't think was so bad but instead they are open the Sunday before. Which means I can't go to California on December 20th for my friend's Christmas party. And I was really looking forward to going to it and seeing the ocean and having some laughs with them and their great friends. Did I mention the great food and drinks?! And then there were all the fun side affects of radiation - such things as cracked ribs, lung problems, skin cancer. I signed another release to let them hurt me to save me and she sent me for the simulation.

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I was shown the radiation dressing room which has robes and lockers. I'll start here each day and change into a smock and a robe. I was told I would then go sit in the waiting room. I will not need to check in with anyone since there is a camera in the room and they can see that I am there and will come get me when they are ready. That explains the picture they took of me way back in August when I had my first appointment. I look a bit different now so I hope they recognize me and I don't spend hours there waiting every day.

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It was then on to the simulation. They laid me down on a table and took a CT scan. I wasn't allowed to move but it didn't take long at all as they sent me through a machine that looked like a large very expensive donut with all sorts of cool red lights. I then got to stay laying there in a freezing cold room as the oncologist decided where I needed to be marked with my tattoos. They didn't hurt too much except for the one right on my sternum. That one really stung. But now that I have been through chemo there is nothing they can do to me that hurts ever again.

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We (me and the folks that just tattooed me) tried to figure out my daily schedule. I hope to go late on Mondays, spend the night in Flagstaff, and then early on Tuesday. Then I will go mid-day Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday. I figure it is the warmest part of the day and if there is snow the plows will have already been around plus i avoid driving in the dark. Right now I start next Tuesday at 3pm and then we will figure out my schedule for the rest of the time. When I told the oncologist my plan she thought it was a bit too ambitious and thinks I'll end up staying more nights to avoid all the driving (3 hours round trip). She said I could try my way if I was open to adapting the schedule if I got too fatigued as we went along.

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I then was sent over to the main hospital for a blood draw and a pregnancy test. I was sitting in the waiting room wearing my tan hat when a young bald kid around 9 years old came in with his mother. I took my hat off and he cracked up at my bald head. We bonded over how silly we looked and how much chemo sucks. His Mom later told me that he had been in the hospital for awhile now and that his prognosis wasn't very good. Sorry - I have nothing on David, he's the brave/strong/positive/inspiring one in this story. In his shoes I would be a crying wreck but he is up walking around in his rocket ship PJs and laughing with the funny looking bald lady and making her day. What a great kid.

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Finally I got a nurse who could find one of my veins on the first try. She asked if a student could try to get the blood first. I used my new mantra - I've been through chemo, nothing you do can hurt me now - of course he can try. He felt all over the place for a vein and couldn't feel one. He gave up on me. I told him to try anyway but he just shook his head, he let the expert stick me with the needle. Even she asked if she could try the other arm to see if there was anything better. I told her there was but she could not use it. Just my luck I get breast cancer on the side with my "good" veins.

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I then returned for a few hours at work. And now it's the weekend! I'm going to Phoenix tomorrow night to hang out with a couple of friends. I haven't been down there since I moved to Arizona so am looking forward to that and a nice "normal" weekend! I hope all of you also have nice normal weekends.

What Time Is It?

Seriously - because I have no idea. I have lost all sense of time. During the day at any given time I can't tell you if it's morning or afternoon without having to think about it or look at a clock. For some reason every day is Tuesday to me. I keep dating things as 2006. And the worst surprise of all is that this is November. At least ten times a day I look at the calendar and am shocked to see it on November. Every. Single. Time. To me it is still August. I have no idea what happened to the last two and a half months. I want summer and fall of 2008 back!

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Tomorrow is my first day in the radiation side of the building. I'm actually really nervous and kind of wish I wasn't going alone. I guess it's just that nothing new lately has been any fun. Silly, huh? By this time next week I'll be a radiation expert and probably bored with it too.

The Next Step - Radiation

“I only went out for a walk and finally concluded to stay out till sundown, for going out, I found, was really going in.” - John Muir

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Most of you know I love to hike, explore, and wander. If I'm out hiking somewhere new it's hard to get me to turn around and head home. I want to just look around the next bend, and the next bend, and the next bend; well you see how I am. There is always something new to see and experience. Who knows if I'll ever be this way again - I don't want to miss anything.

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I'm finding I don't have the same wanderlust with this cancer journey. I really would prefer to not see what's around the next bend and I couldn't care less if I miss anything. There have already been a few bends in this adventure - mammogram to biopsy to diagnosis to lumpectomy to port insertion to chemo. Seriously not a fun one in the bunch. Pretty soon I start yet a new bend - radiation. I'm tired /bored/uninterested of/with/in this cancer thing at this point. This Friday I have an appointment with my radiation oncologist and then a radiation simulation. I start the actual radiation on Monday. Then it's six weeks of daily trips to town for a total of three hours of driving every day. While I'm not looking forward to it I know I just have to get it over with. Barring any snow days and hoping they are open the day after Thanksgiving - I should be finished on December 30th. Then I'll be finally done and the Lord willing there will be no more cancer bends to dread. I can go back to my "let's just go see what's around that bend before we turn around" explorations. And I'll never look back.

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One good note - the snacks are better on the rads side than the chemo side of the cancer center.

I am a frayed and nibbled survivor in a fallen world and I am getting along. I am aging and eaten and have done my share of eating, too. I am not washed and beautiful in control of a shining world in which everything fits, but instead am wandering awed about on a splintered wreck I've come to care for, whose gnawed trees breathe a delicate air, whose bloodied and scarred creatures are my dearest companions, and whose beauty beats and shines not in its imperfections, but overwhelmingly in spite of them, under the wind-rent clouds, upstream and down.

- Annie Dillard, Pilgrim at Tinker Creek

The Coyotes Are Howling Tonight

It sounds like they have the house surrounded. What a cool sound. The neighborhood dogs are joining in. When we first moved here Maddie would bark along but she learned that they never showed up to play with her so now she just rolls her eyes and goes back to sleep.

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So, I am back amongst the living. This last chemo sent me for a loop. I spent Thursday night through Tuesday morning pretty much bed bound. I did go out for the BEST strawberry milkshake ever on Sunday but later that night the pain really hit. I went to work again on Tuesday and don't plan any more sick days - at least for chemo. I am still a bit sore, seem to tire very easily, and have a cold / cough that I can't seem to shake.

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My eyebrows held on strong but the last of them fell off over the weekend. My eyelashes though are still 80% there!

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I think we had close to 100 trick or treaters at the house. Maddie and I were in the bedroom but the door bell sure rang a lot. Mom had to make up some extra candy handouts.

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Once again during the worst of the chemo weekend I had all sorts of trouble sleeping. So, I read instead. I started and finished eight books. It helps me enormously to have my mind somewhere other than this bedroom. Most chemo weekends I leaned towards fiction. This time it was mostly adventure non fiction. I read a book about a lady who walked across half of Australia with four camels, I read about an all female trip up Annapurna in the 70s, there was a book about two ladies who traversed Antarctica, the always interesting book about death in the Grand Canyon (not a cancer death in there!), a book with short stories from Colorado river boatmen, and the book I am just now finishing by the guy who hiked from one end of the Grand Canyon to the other under the rim. I think I am ready to get out there and have my own adventures!

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I keep meaning to post on this blog. I know there are a few of you keeping up with my progress through it and you worry when I get too quiet for too long. Chemo just seems (seemed) to take away my ability to not only write coherently but the will to write at all. Now I am just so stuck in my own head and I don't want to be. And I don't want to even give a hint of how low I went mentally. I am disappointed with myself. I want to be able to explain it without too much drama but I want to be realistic about it. Each day I feel closer and closer to normal for longer and longer periods of time. I'm sure in a few days or weeks I'll have a posting with all sorts of thoughts about chemotherapy and my experience with it. Until then I am just trying to find my way back to Linda.

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And I so hate being bald.