Eleven Down - Only Twenty Three To Go!

The massage was a nice treat today. It's been a long time since I felt that good - physically anyway.

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I'm starting to show some redness. Sort of like a light sunburn. They gave me some directions for pain and/or itchiness. So far it doesn't bother me at all. It's strange to see the difference in skin color. The radiation is just like an X-ray. I can neither see nor feel anything while it's happening. I guess now I know it's actually doing something. I can see now why everyone else leaves the room while they zap me. Everyone seemed happy to see me today - guess I should have been nice to them sooner!

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All I want for Christmas is my port taken out - and I made the appointment. December 17th is the day. I hope they let me keep it!

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Just throwing in a picture I took in Arches National Park a couple of years ago. No reason other that it's a nice winter shot.

A Moment of Clarity

For some reason I could not sleep at all last night. I finally drifted off around 6:30am. No idea what that was about but I had a lot of time to think. I realized I've been a complete idiot about radiation. I'm mentally fighting the treatment and not the disease. I've been angry towards the wrong things and I've taken it out on the nice people at the Cancer Center. I walk in each day, change clothes, sit in the waiting room waiting to be called, I lay down, they zap me, I change clothes and leave. I am not nice to anyone, I answer all questions with one syllables, I don't smile, I angrily tap my foot if I have to wait more than a couple of seconds, I lay there stiffly hating every second of it as I get radiated, and I fume the whole way home. They must think I am naturally a negative person. Then it hit me last night as I lay there thinking about what the heck I am going to do if it comes back. Radiation is my friend. I should be thinking postive healing thoughts while I am undergoing treatment. Plus the folks there do not deserve my attitude in the least. Today I walked in trying to be happier. Right away I noticed a difference. The receptionist who usually doesn't even look up when I walk in was waiting for me. "There you are - I was looking for you." Oh Oh I thought - she's looking for money. Nope - she asked f I wanted to sign up for an hour massage tomorrow. Of course I would. I asked how much it would cost and she said they were free for patients - the Susan G. Komen Foundation pays for them. Sweet - I like this place better already I thought. Then I grabbed a couple of Oreos from the goody box. Before I had a chance to even eat one they called my name. Early even! I have been wanting to ask them if I can come in early this Friday since I am going out of town for the weekend and I have a friend to pick up at the airport that morning. But I have been kind of nervous to ask since they have not been open to my change request before. First thing they say today though is that they would like it if I could come in early on Friday. Great timing! Then for he first time I watched the machine and imagined all those cancer cells being burned to death. I even played with the beams of light on my hand afterwards and got teased by the radiologists for goofing off. I actually enjoyed my short visit today and had my Oreos on the way home. I bet Dad even enjoyed having some conversation on the trip there and back. Instead of my brooding. Tomorrow I go an hour earlier for my massage! I might even smile this time.

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Funny Note - as we were walking into the center there was another lady walking in at the same time. She was on oxygen, had one foot in a cast, was all bent over, looked 90 years old until you got close and saw she was probably late 40s, was really struggling with each step. She looked one step from death's door and I felt bad for her. Then as I was walking past she turned to her companion and loudly whispered while pointing at me - "at least my hair didn't fall out".

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My hair is kind of starting to grow in but very strangely. There is the last of the old hair which never really fell out and that's growing in very dark and wiry. Then there's the new stuff that is like a very pale red and is very thin like baby hair. The combination is very interesting to touch so I find myself rubbing my head more than usual.

Sedona Sunday

We explored in Sedona this weekend. Lots of pretty scenery and laughs. I actually did a couple of hikes. They were short but one included hiking on boulders. I did better than I thought. I got tired but my legs held up just fine. Highlight of the day - we saw javelinas! It's been a long long time since I've seen a wild animal I haven't seen before. It was really cool.

Oh Shoot!

Remember those eyebrows that I mentioned were starting to grow back in? Yeah - well, they all fell out again. They even took with them the few hairs that had been hanging around. Sigh - chemo, the gift that just keeps on giving. It sure does a number on one's body. It's almost been five weeks since the last "treatment" I would have thought I'd have more hair than this! If you haven't seen me since July you probably wouldn't recognize me. I even ran into an old co-worker and had to reintroduce myself. I was looking in the mirror today - something I have avoided the last few months - I look like the bad guy in the movies - part Lex Luther, part Borg Queen, part Gollum. Oh and I got called a guy the other day - what really stinks about it is I was wearing a skirt! It's annoying that I am finally starting to feel normal but I still look very sickly. I think I'll go out and play tomorrow and at least get some color on that pasty white scalp.

Other Cancer Blogs

I have no idea why it helps to read other people's experiences with cancer but it does for me. I guess maybe it's knowing that I'm in good company and am definitely not alone in what is happening to my body and mind (and hair) that comforts me. I added a new blog on My Favorite Blogs List on the left side of this page. It's called "...Lace Up Your Gloves..." I saw one of Jen's posts on the YSC board and have spent the last couple of hours reading her blog. Jen is amazing - if you have a chance read about her journey and watch her video about why she participates in the Arizona Breast Cancer 3 Day walk. It's a 60 mile fundraising walk benefiting Susan G. Komen for the Cure. It looks like it is in November next year. I hate fund raising but I love to walk. I've requested a brochure. I'll read it over - maybe I'll give it a try next year. www.the3day.org

Happy Thanksgiving Everyone!

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Some great quotes that were sent to me or that I have read on some of the breast cancer support boards.

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"We delight in the beauty of the butterfly but rarely admit the changes it has gone through to achieve that beauty" Maya Angelou.I have heard there are troubles of more than one kind.

Some come from ahead and some come from behind.

But I've bought a big bat. I'm all ready you see.

Now my troubles are going to have troubles with me!~Dr. Seuss

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We participants in the front lines of the "Cancer Wars" are just ordinary men and women drafted without our consent into this service. We need not be victims. We can turn this experience to ultimate good in service to others. The choice is ours.Gerald W. White, P.E., in Cancer Wars Maars Journey on the cancer healing power of visualisation, prayer and the mind

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Courage is being scared to death, but saddling up anyways..- John Wayne

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She didn't just survive; she became.
--unknown

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"Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind" Dr. Seuss.Frodo: I wish the ring had never come to me. I wish none of this had happened.

Gandalf: So do all who live to see such times. But that is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us.

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"Courage is grace under pressure."Ernest Hemingway.

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"My barn having burned to the ground, I can now see the moon." -Japanese proverb

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"What lies behind us,and what lies before us,are tiny matters compared to what lies within us."--Emerson

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"The Mountains are calling and I must go." --John Muir

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"Feed your faith (spirit) and your fears will starve to death." --Author Unknown

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" Keep your face to the sunshine and you cannot see the shadow. "Helen Keller

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Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the little voice at the end of the day that says I'll try again tomorrow. ~Mary Anne Radmacher.
I wanted you to see what real courage is, instead of getting the idea that courage is a man with a gun in his hand. It's when you know you're licked before you begin but you begin anyway and you see it through no matter what. You rarely win, but sometimes you do. ~Harper Lee, To Kill a Mockingbird.
“Promise me you'll always remember: You're braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think." Christopher Robin to Pooh.
" It's snowing still," said Eeyore gloomily. "So it is." "And freezing." "Is it?" "Yes," said Eeyore. "However," he said, brightening up a little, "we haven't had an earthquake lately.”
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A friend is someone who knows the song in your heart and can sing it back to you when you have forgotten the words..True friendship isn't about being there when it's convenient; it's about being there when it's not.."Are you upset little friend? Have you been lying awake worrying? Well, don't worry...I'm here. The flood waters will recede, the famine will end, the sun will shine tomorrow, and I will always be here to take care of you." -Charlie Brown to Snoopy

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You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You must do the thing which you think you cannot do. =Eleanor Roosevelt

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"Given the choice between the experience of pain and nothing, I would choose pain”
William Faulkner

Eight Down - Only Twenty Five Treatments to Go

I'd like to say the time is going past quickly but I can't. It seems that just as soon as something important is happening at work I have to jump in my car and leave for three and a half hours. The days are also longer when I have to add those three and a half hours onto the end of the work day. I work, I drive to town, and I sleep with ten minutes at the cancer center in the middle of it all. Time has to be going by slowly for Dad also. At least I can sleep during the drive. I offer to drive but every day he declines my offer and by the time we hit the park boundary I have my eyes closed and am probably snoring. I wouldn't be able to have the treatments and work full time without him. i would be too exhausted.

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Tomorrow is Thanksgiving. I have a huge list of things for which I am thankful. My friends and family are at the top of that list. Thanks everyone!

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Blog info I found interesting. I've had visitors to this blog from 37 different states and 18 different countries. I've had 3,591 visits by 570 unique visitors. That's a lot of folks reading my late night ramblings. Thanks for visiting! I'll try not to let it make me nervous. ;)

A Beautiful Arizona Weekend

The weather here has just been perfect. I finally got out and played again this weekend. We went exploring south of Williams. I was reminded how out of shape I was on a mile and a half hike but I am already working on fixing that. This is a petroglyph we saw on the hike.

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Radiation takes 9 minutes from car to car. I had a treatment today - Sunday - so we can all have a four day weekend over Thanksgiving. I have to work most of that time but it will be nice not to make the drive every day.

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Not much else going on - unless you watched 24:Redemption tonight. Then we have all sorts of things to talk about. Like Tony Almeida is alive?!?! And how it's always nice to see Jack again. It's reassuring to see what a great shot he is compared to the bad guys. Plus am I right in hearing that Janeane Garofalo is going to be on Season 7? Yep - I'm coming back to life just in time for the next season of 24. I think college basketball is starting now also! It's good to be back. And I've given up on being angry. I'm just excited to get this radiation thing done and over with and I'm looking forward to moving on.

I'm Angry

I've moved on to a new emotional stage in my cancer adventure. As you know I started out with shock and numbness, I then moved onto complete denial (I still have partial denial). Then during chemo I was just too miserable to even care. Now I've moved onto anger. I'm try to make angry eyes right now to show you my anger but it's hard to do without any eyebrows. I've only been to three radiation treatments so far and I think they hate seeing me coming. Yep - that's right I never knew this but apparently when I am angry I tend to take it out on others. I wish that at least someone deserves it but everyone at the cancer center is being so great (darn them!) Anger is a new emotional state for me. Yeah - I'm still really angry at the stupid University of Michigan for winning the NCAA basketball tourney in 1989, smoke starts coming out of my ears even thinking about it, but in general I am not at all an angry person. Until now. I'm angry I had to get cancer when I live so far from town. I'm angry that I've added four tattoos to my four scars. I'm angry I'm still bald. I'm angry that I've lived here since July and I have not been below the rim once yet. I'm angry that this feels like someone else's body. I'm really angry at my insurance company but that's a blog for another day. I'm angry that I have no control of my life right now. I'm angry at myself for being so unhealthy with my eating habits. I'm angry that an unforeseen project at work is making me work more hours than I should (can). I'm angry at myself for being angry - I have so many blessings and here I am being angry at the world (heck I had surprise champange show up in the mail today, how awesome is that?). I'm angry that in the past four and a half months I look like I've aged ten years. I'm especially angry that after four and a half months of "treatment" - there is still no end in sight. Right now I may not be failing cancer but I am getting a C-. I think I know a sister that owes me a butt kicking and not a lollipop. AARRGGGHHHH!!

One Down - Thirty Two To Go

Yeah, I'm already over the drive. Any way you look at it radiation will take three and a half hours every day. I was really cranky having to leave work today. There is just too much to do and I'm way too busy for this. Who knew cancer took so much time?! Anyway, once I got there it only took a half an hour or so. Most days though it will take less than ten minutes. This time they had to take a few more X-rays and pictures. They also drew a great big square on me. He said I could wash it off so no idea what they was all about. Interesting note - when I am laying on the table they put a big rubber band on my feet to hold them together. That's the worst part of the whole procedure. We then worked on my radiation schedule. Apparently they are really busy right now (something in the water?) so I didn't get much say in my times. Right now I am booked for 1:45pm every day. Which I will make work. I was just hoping to stay in town at least once a week to avoid a bit of the drive. They said I should ask again later this week and see if we can change Mondays and Tuesdays. As much as I hate it admit it - this was just the last straw. I struggle with this whole feeling of having no control and when I met with the social worker I cried. I didn't cry much but enough that she handed me some tissues. It's been awhile since I've cried over this situation so I guess it needed to get out. I'm just so frustrated. Oh well - it's just one more step in the process. Radiation will be over before I know it and let's face it - IT'S NO CHEMO! Plus now that I have my schedule I can make an appointment to have my port out - that will be a great milestone. And my parents are here so I have someone to drive with. I had a nice nap today on the way there with my Dad driving. I kind of feel bad for them this trip. All of the other trips here they have had to house to themselves as I was either at work or in bed. Now I'm up and around and I'm in my chair where Dad usually is, I'm watching Prison Break instead of the news shows they usually watch in the evening, and I tend to sometimes be messy. Dad's already napping and I heard them earlier wondering what happened in the world today. Oh well - at least this time I have the energy to help with doing the dishes and I now contribute to conversations and I made dessert tonight. I might not be the best company for them but I'm not the worst.