Back to Work Tomorrow!

Sorry I have not posted in awhile. I had my surgery on January 20th as planned and it was successful. It was harder and took longer than the doctor thought but I was only in the hospital for two nights. I've been at home recuperating since then. My doctor wanted me to take six weeks off of work but I have been feeling pretty good and have not taken any pain pills for the past two and a half weeks. She agreed to let me start back to work after five weeks which is tomorrow! I have some pictures from the hospital that I will post this weekend. I am also going to start to take my life back by getting out and exercising every day and eating better. I will also be posting on my progress on both of those and I would love to have all of you keep on me to keep it up. I am ready to wear all of my pre-cancer clothes again and I am determined to walk the entire 60 miles of the three day walk this year.

More AZ 2010 3 Day Pics

Tents at night - it was COLD this year, glad I brought my super warm new sleeping bag

Our home for the two nights

Souvenir

Three days of portapotties and hand sanitizer

View from the Survivor's Circle of the main stage at the closing ceremonies

Finishing the walk with big smiles

Sore feet

Lunch!

Many of the reasons we walk

Everything Team Grand Canyon needs for the 3 Day Walk

And we named him Kyle

Not sure where to go? Follow the ladies in the pink tutus

Friendly cross walk guy

View while taking a nap during lunch

Two Years After Cancer Treatment

It was two years ago today that I walked out of the Northern Arizona Cancer Center after finishing my final radiation treatment. They gave me a certificate of accomplishment and a violet plant.

It was almost exactly six months from my biopsy to finishing treatment. My treatment consisted of a lumpectomy, four chemo treatments three weeks apart, 33 radiation treatments, and a five year prescription of tamoxifen. When I first started treatment I couldn’t wait for it to end. When it finally did end, I was not so sure. At least we were doing something before and now, all of a sudden, I was thrown back into “normal” life. My parents went home, I was in constant pain, I was bald, and the bills were piled up. I was exhausted and struggling to get my life back in control. Everyone expected that I should be tickled pink to be finished and able to move on with my life. The constant struggle to be positive and strong was taking its toll. I even shocked myself with how low my outlook was after my final treatment. I was given a second chance, why was I so sad? If I didn’t have to get up for work, I often spent the entire day in bed. I was a physical and mental wreck.

I can see why depression is common in cancer survivors. For six months all of my efforts were pointed towards beating cancer. Now there was time to face the fear, the pain, and the grief of my cancer diagnosis. I wasn’t sure I was ready to spend the rest of my life as a cancer survivor. Plus there was the fear of recurrence. Since my diagnosis, I have spent very little time thinking “why me” but I have driven myself sick with worry wondering “what if” it returns. The thought of recurrence is always with me. What if I just went through all of that and it didn’t even work? I have a piece of paper that says I have a 13% chance of my cancer returning and killing me. Yikes!
Also, I have to admit I look nothing like I did the day of my first surgery. I’ve gained a whole bunch of weight, my hair is taking forever to grow out and it is way too dark, I have numerous scars and radiation tattoos which keep me from wearing low cut shirts, I will never give birth to a child (this one makes me weep even writing it), and I am deformed. Every time I look in the mirror I am reminded of what happened and I grieve for the person I was. I know I am more than just my scars but I am still not comfortable with them. I hope to someday look at them with pride.

It has been a hard uphill battle for me ever since treatment has ended and I am a bit embarrassed to admit it. I guess depression is never easy to talk about. I wish I had spent some time with the cancer center therapist two years ago. It might have gone easier for me. I encourage anyone out there experiencing depression after cancer to talk to their doctors about it. Or talk to other survivors. From what I read 25% of cancer survivors experience depression so there are plenty of other people out there who know what you are going though. I have had this blog which helped me express some of what I was thinking and I spent time talking with others on various breast cancer web sites. I am also blessed to have a supportive family, awesome friends, and the best boyfriend ever. While I never really talked to them about what I was going through, just having them in my life made things better. Time and distance have also helped but if I am not careful I can find myself descending into depression again.

I have been told that I am an inspiration to others and while I am not sure I deserve the accolade, I am proud of where I am today. I would like to think that others can look at me and see that there is life after breast cancer and it can be wonderful.

While it has been easy for me to spend too much time looking backward, as each day passes I spend more and more time looking forward. I do not know what my future will bring but I will continue to raise money for the Susan G. Komen Foundation, I will continue my commitment to improving physically, I will do my best to be a support to others going through the same struggle, I will continue to feel better about myself, and I will continue to be a breast cancer survivor.

2010 Arizona 3 Day Walk - Cheer Stations

By far one of the best parts of the 3 Day walk was the spectators. At almost any given time during the course there are people cheering, handing out goodies (Steph calls it Halloween for adults), holding up signs, dressing up, yelling "thank you for walking". There are two or so official cheer stations everyday with lots of people and pink. There are also all sorts of "walker stalkers" who are found several times a day all along the route. The people who live in the neighborhoods we walk through also come out, cheer, and decorate their lawns. Entire schools come out and line up to give us high fives. It is amazing to see the number of people are there to encourage us. And it is easy to get used to feeling like a rock star. Walking into work on Tuesday is kind of a let down - no one yelling "good job" and giving me otter pops. Here are some of my favorite pictures of our cheering spectators.

Team Grand Canyon with the sign my parents made.

I like this picture because one of the main reason I walk is for my friend Gladys who died way too young from breast cancer. Note the sign to the right - all along the route there are signs put up by the walk organization. One of my favorites reads - "Lunch One Mile"

Super heroes against breast cancer! That's me on the left.

We saw these two at almost all of the cheer stations.

Not just surviving...thriving!

Love, Love, Love This One!

Rock Stars Against Breast Cancer - it is the same group as the Super Heroes above. They changed outfits numerous times during the walk and we saw them many times each day.

Steph is Nacho Boobre.

We also saw this young man numerous times a day - he was always smiling just like this.

A couple of Judy's friends cheering the walkers along.

All sorts come out to cheer.

Look! It's my favorite cheerers!

These guys are great!

What it kind of looks like walking through a cheer section - without all of the noise.

If you are in the area next November, come out and join the fun!

Arizona 2010 Susan G. Komen 3 Day Walk - Survivor's Circle at Closing Ceremonies

Leaving the stage at the end of ceremonies. That is me just to the left of the flag pole.

All of the other survivors joined us on the stage - hugging and dancing at the end of the closing ceremonies. We didn't even have to talk, we just looked each other in the eye and started crying. All of us had heard the word's "it is cancer" and all of us had to tell our loved ones of the diagnosis. It is this shared experience that made all of us have to walk. We are all committed to doing all we can to make sure that someday no one else will ever have to go through what we have gone through. Lots of tears and lots of love.

There were eight of us in the Survivor's Circle. It was a huge honor to be asked to participate.

"A World Without Breast Cancer" is what the flag says.

That's me just to the left of the flag pole

Walking in with our flags - I carried the "commitment" flag

Looking up at the center flag "A World Without Breast Cancer"

Being part of the Survivor's Circle is definately one of the top five highlights of my life. It was emotional in so many ways. I was proud to be there as a survivor. I was honored to represent those who are no longer with us. I was amazed at the dedication of the other walkers and crew members. I was tickled pink to be a member of Team Grand Canyon. I was just so thankful that my parents were able to experience it with me. I was hopeful for my future as a survivor. I was and will continue to be committed to ending breast cancer.

Click Here for a picture of me from the 3 Day web site. While you are there feel free to donate to Team Grand Canyon. We hope to raise $30,000 this year so every little bit helps! So, far we have only raised $10 so we have a ways to go. Glad we have eleven months!

I'll have some more walk photos posted soon.

Surgery Date Is Set

January 20th it is. Back when it first came up January seemed a long time away. Now it is less than four weeks. I can't believe it is two and a half years since my diagnosis and the fall out continues. I saw my oncologist a couple of weeks ago and he was please I was having my uterus and last ovary removed. He said I will have a better chance of not having a recurrance. So, there is some good news. He said after the surgery we will discuss whether I will continue to take tamoxifen or will start taking something else. Since I am no longer having any problems with tamoxifen other than the issues the surgery will take care of, he said that he thinks I will stay on it. My doctor who is doing the surgery says that with my previous endometrial surgery and ovary removal she is pretty sure that she will have to complete the surgery adominally which means a longer hospital stay and longer recovery time. With the first surgery I was in the hospital three days I believe and there were staples involved. Staples!! I didn't even know that was possible. I am already psyching myself up for it this time - see picture above. I was a bit worried about how I was going to manage for the couple of weeks or so that I will be down and out but of course my wonderful parents said they will come up and take care of me. I have no idea what I would do with out them. I am also working on losing some of the weight I have gained since the diagnosis. I was doing pretty well and had lost 20 pounds before my birthday last week and Christmas this week. I'd like to lose another 10 before the surgery so am back on the diet tomorrow. I still plan on putting up pictures from the 3 Day Walk. Check back in the next week or so for some good ones. The pic above is actually from the walk - it was one of my favorite signs!

The AZ 3 Day Walk is Over

What an amazing experience with an amazing six women. I was so honored to walk with them. I was honored to be one of the eight walkers in the Survivor's Circle. It will go down as one of the highlights in my entire life. I can't believe how lucky I was to be asked. I was worried about if I would trip or goof up in some way and then when I was actually carrying the flag in front of all the people I was just so tickled to represent the walkers that I didn't even think of anything else. Team Grand Canyon did an amazing job and I truely enjoyed my time with all of them. How blessed am I to have such an amazing women to walk with? I will have pictures up soon and some more blogs on my thoughts of the event.

Rehearsal is over and I did not trip!

The weather is beautiful and it was exciting to see everything being set up. I can't wait until tomorrow.

The Bags Are Packed and the Car is Pointed South

I can't believe the Arizona 3 Day Walk is here. It seems like we have been fundraising and training forever. I really want to give out a great big THANK YOU to all of you who gave our team such generous donations and to all of you who attended our events. The hard part is finished and now Team Grand Canyon gets to enjoy a few days of strolling around the Phoenix area.

I am very excited to have a chance to share this event with my close friends and the best part of the whole thing will be the time I get to spend with them laughing and walking. Thank you ladies. Thank you for all of your fundraising efforts, thank you for the great emails keeping the team informed, thank you for buying plane tickets and taking time off work to be in Arizona for a long weekend in November, thank you for all of the training miles you have done, thank you for all the Thursday team lunches, thank you for the raffle prize donations, thank you for making enchiladas (!) so we have a homemade meal the night before the walk, for all the logistics planning so we have a place to stay tomorrow night and rides to and from the event, thank you for your commitment to end breast cancer, thank you for being my friends, and thank you for walking next to me these next few days. As you all know, I'm not always very good at expressing myself but please know, having each of you on the team means more to me than I know how to say. There is no doubt that having cancer sucked but if I had never been through it, I would not have had this amazing experience with you. I am so happy that back in 2008 you could not say no to a bald woman. And am happier that you enjoyed it enough in 2009 that Team Grand Canyon is back in 2010 and more than double in size. If I have learned one thing in the past two years it is that one person can make a huge difference in the world - just think of what the seven of us have accomplished!

Here's to a walk full of laughs, sore feet, walker stalkers, tents, cheering, community showers, singing, portapotties, a few tears, lots of pink, making new friends, and the knowledge that each day bringing us that much closer to a cure! We walk because we can and because everyone deserves a lifetime.

The AZ 3 Day Walk Starts on Friday!

The walk is finally here. The seven of us have raised just over $19,500. Not quite our goal of $20,000 but close enough. The logistics have been worked out and it sounds like we will have quite a few of our friends and family cheering us on at the cheer stations. I am just so excited that I can hardly stand it that my parents are coming for Saturday and Sunday. They made us some very generous donations and were a huge help as our cooks at our fundraising BBQ.

I drive down early on Thursday morning and have to go a rehearsal of the opening and closing ceremonies that afternoon. I hope that if I am going to trip and drop my "commitment" flag, I do it at the rehearsal and not in front of the 1,200 walkers.

I will be posting pictures on facebook during the walk and will hopefully be doing some short live blogs here. My camera batteries are charging right now and I have a new phone with internet access.

This year I have a much warmer sleeping bag for the two nights in the tent so I plan on getting more sleep. I'm bringing warmer pajamas also. I was tickled last night when I was able to fit my huge sleeping bag into my duffle. Not much room for anything else but that is OK since the bag also takes up most of the 35 pounds we are allowed to bring.

I hope to at least walk more than I did last year and I'd love to complete every mile on Sunday. I have a better plan to avoid blisters this year which will make the walk much more enjoyable. I had horrible blisters on the bottom of my feet starting on the first day in 2009. It made walking the final day pretty miserable. Not this year!

Have to run to watch Conan! Nice to have him back.