Guest Blog

Hey Everybody!

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Linda has given me the privilege of adding to her blog. She says I can't apologize for not being as witty or as smart as her writings, but I should be myself. What better way to do that in telling how much I admire her.

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I admire her strength. She is going through probably the hardest thing of her life, but she is trudging through like a trooper. She may break down at times, but you'll only hear the pain in her voice, you won't hear her complain about it.

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I admire her courage. Even though she knows chemo kicks her butt, she still keeps going and doing what is expected of her. It's like she knows quitting is not an option.

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I admire her honesty. It is refreshing to know if you ask how she is feeling, she will tell you the truth. It is not that she wants your sorrow or pity, but she wants you to know how weird things can happen. It's almost like it is amusing to her, and she wants to share that.

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I admire her openness. I assume you read her blog for the same reason I do - it's funny and thoughtful and informative. She may have started this blog to keep her facts straight for herself, but it has also been a great learning tool for the rest of us. Still, it's hard to let everyone read your innermost thoughts. I don't think I could do that.

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I admire her generosity. This is the second time my husband and I have visited her since her diagnosis. Both times have been stressful or tiring. Both times she has made us feel welcome and has been a great host.

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Years ago I was diagnosed with my own chronic disease. My health problems have not progressed much, but it does allow me to understand some of what she is going through. A lot of it I do not. I hope I can always keep the same strength, courage, honesty, openness and generosity as Linda has right now. So I guess that's why I admire her most - she's my hero!

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Little Sister

Go Illini!!!

My Little Sister is Visiting Today!

Yippee! Not sure what we will be doing but I'm sure there will be a big canyon and some condors involved! I have lots of work to get done before she gets here so I can take tomorrow off before she leaves on Monday morning. So I don't have time to post much today. Have a good weekend everyone!

Look At It This Way, You Could Have Been Hit By A Bus

Ah- the words that everyone in cancer treatment hates to hear and I got them once again yesterday. I agreed out loud like I always do “you are right being hit by a bus would have really sucked, I should count my blessings”. Inside though I was laughing. HAHA. At this time anything that wants a shot at me is going to have to get in line. I’m busy right now with two things already trying their best to kill me. On one side of the ring is cancer; a silent competitor that hadn't given me any painful side effects so far but he would love to get bigger and spread to all sorts of non-fun parts of my body. On the other side we have chemotherapy; a couple of poisons that I am choosing to drip into my body and they are right now actually slowly and painfully killing me. If I hang out with them long enough they will poison me up to and including death (I signed the waiver agreeing to it). It sometimes feels like being in the bottom of a deep dark slot canyon with both walls (one cancer, one chemo) closing in on me. I’ve done some canyoneering in the past few years and have really enjoyed it. The canyons are beautiful and dark and quiet and almost cathedral like. They test my courage on every downclimb and rappel. And this cancer /chemo canyon is all of that with a hell of a rappel and a big price tag to get into it. And I must admit it does get much darker and colder than my liking at times. But as with every other canyon I’ve been in, I have the tools I need to get out of it before the walls squash me; a long rope, a harness, a few biners, a helmet, a great team, a map, warm clothes, determination, sticky footwear, a smile, and a sense of adventure. I feel right now that this canyon is a bit too narrow and I’m getting caught between the two walls that are trying to kill me. But I know that I’ll find my way out of the canyon into the sunshine just in time for chemo and cancer to kill each other (!) and leave me the last one standing.
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Then that stupid bus can have a shot at me. But I’ll be so happy to have my normal life back that I’ll be really tough to catch - and who knows it might have to find me in a slot canyon!

Chemo 3 Linda 0

OK so my new arch nemesis conquered me once again. I get one more shot at him and even if he beats me one last time I will win the war just be out living him. Yesterday I think was one of my worst days yet. I was in horrible pain and having a dickens of a time trying to breathe. I was at work and even got up a couple of times thinking I would have someone call the paramedics. I turned around each time though feeling silly. Mostly I was scared. I left work on time and came right home and went straight to bed. Laying down helped and getting a good night's sleep helped more. Today I'm still not feeling well but I can breathe normally so life is just golden - golden retriever, even!

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Good article on CNN.com today on fighting breast cancer. I hope this link works. I've read it a couple of times and am still learning things - 7% bone loss. No doctor has mentioned that yet. I also liked one of the links in the article - circusofcancer.org seems interesting.

http://www.cnn.com/2008/HEALTH/conditions/10/15/healthmag.breast.cancer.experience/index.html

Another Day - Another Day

Hi Everyone - checking in again. I worked today and seemed to be better as the day went on. Still tired and sore. Got off work at 5:30 and hurried home to eat and go to bed. I was exhausted. But as you can see - here it is 9:30 and I'm still up. I've taken both a pain pill and a sleeping pill and tried laying here for hours - nothing, still up. Watching "Amazing Wedding Cakes" and blogging. sigh... Very frustrating to me that I can be this sleepy but can't sleep. Of course 7:00am tomorrow I'll be sound asleep but will need to get up (Ok won't have to get up until 7:30, one nice thing about not having hair!). Not much else to say - I seem to get writer's block in the throes of chemo. Maybe I'll be more verbose tomorrow.

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I did get a sad email today. A lady named Dorit Shapiro lost her brave fight with stage IV breast cancer yesterday. You can see a tribute for her at www.designhergals.com. The video is on on the lower left of the web page - she gave the speech just last week and you can listen to her talk about her struggle and the charity she works with - the gal to gal foundation. She was 38.

Chemo Sucks

OK - here I am restating the obvious. It hit me earlier and harder with this session. I only made it to work for about an hour today. I hate being so weak (mentally and physically) that I couldn't stay there longer but I just started to feel so badly that I was pretty worthless and wasn't going to get anything done. I was hoping it would get easier for me instead of harder but maybe I'll get over it faster this time. The pain is definitely the hardest part. I just can't describe it and it makes it even hard to concentrate as I type this. When I'm feeling good between treatments I forget how hard this is. When I am in the middle of this, it's hard to remember what it is like to feel fine. Anyway, just checking in. I'm going back to feeling sorry for myself and hoping I am able to sleep some this weekend. It must be quite the disease I'm fighting to go through this. Just call me a Cancer Warrior Princess. I plan to kick it's butt so I never have to go through this again. (well except for one more chemo session but after that never again!)

It's Been Three Months Since My Diagnosis

Time has gone both quickly and slowly. Three months seems both like a long time and like a very short time. I'm definitely experiencing a new normal. Cancer changed me physically. I have four new scars that I see every time I look in the mirror. I have a big dent from the lumpectomy. I am still numb in my arm pit and the back of my arm which I am still finding very annoying. I have a bump where the port is and a scar at the top of my neck that is visible with about everything I wear. Cancer has changed me financially. I would be doing pretty well right now but the bills have piled up so quickly that I am not sure every one will be paid on time. It's going to make the next couple of years a struggle anyway. Cancer has changed me emotionally and mentally. While I am emotionally exhausted from the struggle I feel like I am getting mentally stronger every day. It's made it much easier for me to see what is important in my life and I've been better able to appreciate the things in my life that are important to me and make me a better person. And I've been strong enough to make the choices needed to remove things from my life that don't deserve to be here and were not helping me be the person I can be. Cancer has brought me closer to my family and friends and has helped me see what phenomenal people there are that surround me, care for me, and love me. I am truly blessed and I hope I can some day I can return the sentiments. Cancer has also made my universe very narrow. I work and I come home. I feel like the world is turning out there without me but I know right now I have to focus on myself and all the things I want to experience and participate in will just have to wait a few months. I'll be back before too long.

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It's been a hard day. I am emotionally and physically tired. I don't think I did a very good job recuperating between session two and three or maybe being run down is just the nature of the beast as you continue on in the treatment. The pain and mental fogginess seem to be hitting sooner this time. I'm hoping a good night's sleep will help. It's made me melancholy this evening.

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And my beautiful favorite niece of my heart - I don't blame you for not wanting hair like mine. This time I want hair like yours! I think you should have your Mom seal you up in a box and mail you out here. HeeHeeHee!

Pink Pink Everywhere

Outside Cancer Center - yeah like we aren't already aware, but I did get free pink stuff; a bandana, some pink ribbon temporary tatoos, candy, and a pink tennis ball for Maddie!
Just like earlier picture from first chemo session minus hair plus hat.

Before the tears started..

I just saw on the news that the White House is lit up in pink tonight to commemorate Breast Cancer Awareness Month. Wow. Every store I walk in and most of the ads I see in women's magazines has pink stuff everywhere. A lot of the breast cancer blogs and message boards have breast cancer survivors who aren't too happy with all the pink stuff. I'm not sure what I think about it. Part of me is like - hey, I'm in a cool club and we have such a pretty color and I'm glad that so much $ is being used to promote awareness and research for a cure. On the other hand like I have previously noted the color pink seems a bit pretty and fun to represent the realities of breast cancer. Plus these days I personally am obviously pretty aware and seeing pink M&Ms, pink shampoo, pink shoes, pink mouth wash, pink ribbons on printer paper, a pink ribbon on contact solution, pink pages in Shape magazine, pink teddy bears, pink flowers, pink gum, pink pens with motivation sayings (strength to go on), etc, etc, etc only make me more aware than I want to be while shopping. And it seems like some of the companies are just jumping on the bandwagon to make money for themselves. And where is the $ they collect going to - which groups - are they good ones? I also don't remember this much pink last year - maybe I am just noticing it more this year (ya think?). I'll have to think on it a bit more but I guess it's got to be a good thing despite my personal discomfort. And for a full disclosure I did buy the pink motivational pen, the pink teddy bear, and the pink daisies. :)

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We got there on time this morning but everything seemed to be slow. Didn't get out before 3pm. Lots of waiting for doctors and nurses. But got a great chocolate chip cookie! To show that for all my talk letting you think that I'm all sunshine and rainbows, I spent a good half hour in the chair sobbing. My parents left for a bit and I don't know what hit me but all of a sudden there were tears everywhere. I guess it was exhaustion, missing work again when I have a million things to do, fear of the future, and who knows what else. I felt bad - the place was packed and I was desperately trying to stop crying before my parents got back. I think I scared my favorite nurse but then she's probably used to it. My blood work came back perfect again. I am blessed with this. The girl sitting a couple of seats away from me is in her early thirties and she just had to have a blood transfusion because of her low white blood cells. My grandmother's cousin was there again and I enjoyed hearing him tell stories about her and my grandfather when they were young. He said that my grandmother was feisty and that my grandfather has always been his hero because of the type of person Grandpa is. He called him his "Roy Rogers". Then I introduced my parents to Thai food. Well, I tried anyway. They ordered sweet and sour chicken and orange chicken. I'll take them to a place a little more authentic next time. Feeling OK tonight - just a little off like usual. I'll see how tomorrow goes.

Here We Go Again

“Pain is temporary. It may last a minute, or an hour, or a day, or a year, but eventually it will subside and something else will take its place. If I quit, however, it lasts forever.” Lance Armstrong

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Chemo "treatment" number three tomorrow. I'm not as upbeat as I was for the last one. I'm just tired and wiped out this time I guess. I'd almost look forward to spending next weekend flat on my back in bed except for the pain. It's nothing I can't handle though. I hope the nurse remembers this time to numb my port before she sticks me with that huge needle. And I hope that I don't get the awful painful hiccups on Wednesday again. I thought they were a fluke the first time around but they happened again the day after the second time also. I've taken to calling them the Heinous Hiccups from Hell. Another side effect that has bothered me each time is the numbness in my hands and legs. I read tonight on one of the bulletin boards that there is something I can take for it so I'll ask my oncologist about that. My parents are here again so I have great company for the week. I don't get my blood drawn until 9am so we get to sleep in a little in the morning. I'm packing a book, my iPod shuffle, and a bunch of orange juice. And if I remember a blanket. Getting to be old hat at the chemo thing - no longer nervous, just resigned.

I Had A Nice Day

I actually got out and did some hiking today. Not a lot - less than two miles - but a pretty big accomplishment for me these days. I am going to be sore tomorrow but it will be a good sore, one that I earned.

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Tomorrow I get ready for chemo round three. I'll start drinking lots and lots of water and will start taking the anti-swelling pills in the evening. I will probably have to work a long day again but being busy will be better then having time to worry if I'll lose to chemo yet again by a TKO.

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BTW - I know that I really over simplified the choices made by cancer patients with yesterday's blog. I want to make sure everyone realizes that I am by no means an expert on anything really and can only document what's going on with me and can just speculate on what is going on with others who find themselves in this predicament. I didn't even get into the choices that have to be made about the types of chemo drugs that can be taken, the choices made on which medical bills get paid this month and which don't, the choice of what day of the week to have treatment, the choice of which doctor to go to and when, the choice of who to tell and how to tell them that you have breast cancer, the choice of how to respond to a stranger staring at you, etc, etc, etc. It has been frustrating to me to have to make these choices while not being able to think clearly. Cancer seems to give you all sorts of choices while taking so many away.

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But that's neither here nor there tonight - I feel great from finally getting out and exploring, and hiking, and being proud of myself, and having a great all around day. Boy did I need it and I feel ready to face whatever is coming this week.