No one wants to talk about “what if”. I think I would like to talk “what if” with someone. It is certainly on my mind but I know those that love me don’t even want to think about it.
But I’m a planner, I prefer to think through different scenarios and have a game plan for each. Rains tomorrow, bring a rain coat and leave it in the car. Road construction in Salt Lake City, let’s drive through Park City and Provo Canyon. Home Depot doesn’t have the paint color I want, let’s mail order it. Power goes out, I have a flashlight next to my bed. Just the type of thoughts and plans everyone has every day.
Plan Bs.
My cancer comes back,…………….………. No Plan B. I’ve got nothing. I can’t even comprehend my reaction to hearing the news much less what I would do about it. I don’t have a Plan B because this time we would be playing for keeps. I’m not sure I would have had chemo the first time, knowing what I know now. But how could I let my family down and not have it in the future? I know everyone thinks they are being supportive saying – don’t worry it is not coming back. I know they worry too but don’t want to worry me. I say of course it is not coming back because I don’t want to worry them. So, no one talks about it.
But sometimes it is hard to be in my own head, if it does come back now I worry I will be letting everyone down. And if I do force the conversation and it does not come back then I am just a drama queen worrying everyone about nothing. Cancer sure plays with your head.
I have had some back pain for the past two months, I am having a PET scan this Friday. I’ll hear the results that afternoon. It has been a long week alone in my head.
I know it is not coming back ………. but what if?
But I’m a planner, I prefer to think through different scenarios and have a game plan for each. Rains tomorrow, bring a rain coat and leave it in the car. Road construction in Salt Lake City, let’s drive through Park City and Provo Canyon. Home Depot doesn’t have the paint color I want, let’s mail order it. Power goes out, I have a flashlight next to my bed. Just the type of thoughts and plans everyone has every day.
Plan Bs.
My cancer comes back,…………….………. No Plan B. I’ve got nothing. I can’t even comprehend my reaction to hearing the news much less what I would do about it. I don’t have a Plan B because this time we would be playing for keeps. I’m not sure I would have had chemo the first time, knowing what I know now. But how could I let my family down and not have it in the future? I know everyone thinks they are being supportive saying – don’t worry it is not coming back. I know they worry too but don’t want to worry me. I say of course it is not coming back because I don’t want to worry them. So, no one talks about it.
But sometimes it is hard to be in my own head, if it does come back now I worry I will be letting everyone down. And if I do force the conversation and it does not come back then I am just a drama queen worrying everyone about nothing. Cancer sure plays with your head.
I have had some back pain for the past two months, I am having a PET scan this Friday. I’ll hear the results that afternoon. It has been a long week alone in my head.
I know it is not coming back ………. but what if?
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