Today is my cancerversary. Hard to believe it has been two years since my diagnosis with stage 2 breast cancer. I remember that day like it was yesterday – the way time slowed down almost to a stop while my doctor said the words “it is cancer”, calling my parents (I still start to cry thinking about that call). It is a date I have looked forward to with a bit of trepidation. While I am certainly happy that I am a two year survivor, it is still hard for me to look back on my cancer experience and feel like celebrating. I do feel some pride for making it through it as best I could, but I also feel like I could have been so much stronger. I am ashamed of the time I was harsh with my Mom when she said I looked good bald and still feel a bit embarrassed about how much help I needed. I never could have survived without my parents and the support of my family and friends. I will never ever be able to pay everyone back for their kindness. I worry about that all the time. There is certainly a feeling of relief for being two years down the cancer survivor road. It is sure a bumpy road but two years is two years. My body has betrayed me and it has been hard for me so far to understand my “new normal” and trust my body again. I still have a lot of pain.
As today has gotten close I have been reading other blogs from survivors talking about their cancerversaries. I don’t seem to be the only one to have conflicting feelings about the day. I guess I am very happy to still be alive and I do think the time distance from the experience blunts some of the horror but boy I would give just about anything to have it never have happened.
Here are some thoughts from others on their cancerversaries:
“A cancerversary is more like a birthday than an anniversary in many ways. It is the day that your life as you knew it ends, and a new life begins. Because no matter what the outcome, life is never the same after a cancer diagnosis.”
“My hope is that it will forever be a day that marks triumph over fear and hope over despair. In the end, these are the characteristics that Karen -- and many thousands of survivors like her -- embodied as she stood up to cancer: courage, strength, hope. They are words used over and over to describe the qualities of those who battle cancer. I can tell you, they are words never over-used or under-appreciated for those who fight this disease.”
“I remember how my cancerversaries used to feel momentous, partly because my life took such a dramatic change on the day I was diagnosed, but also because of the relief that I made it another year. I'd always know when they were coming up.”
“Today I am acutely aware of that sense of survivor guilt which I have written of before. In a funny way, the “why me” questions I sometimes asked myself when first diagnosed with cancer, are now reversed. That “why me – why did I get cancer when others don’t” has been turned around to “why me – why do I get to survive when others don’t. “
“I will always be able to look in the eyes of another survivor and without saying a word, be able to read the shared pain and fear we share. Today, I am a one year survivor. Today I feel hope mixed with an anxious future of what the Lord holds in his plan for me. Today, I am so thankful for those who carried me through and the blessings I have each day. Today, I am grateful for another year of life.”
“Some friends have asked me if I am celebrating this milestone today and the answer is I am celebrating by doing the ordinary things – a walk, a coffee later with a friend, cooking dinner for my husband…for it was the ordinary things I longed to be able to do again when I was ill. It took cancer to teach me the beauty of such ordinary things.”
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