Wander Linda

2011 Arizona 3 Day Walk Pictures

2011-12-11T17:48:00.000-08:00

Opening ceremonies start early, very early - it is still dark

One Heart One Goal One Step At A Time

Many of the reasons we walk - someday I hope to carry in the adventures flag

Team Grand Canyon ready to go!

Team Grand Canyon's favorite girl scouts

Even the horses wear pink during the walk

Enjoying the rain

You have to watch out for pirates on the course

And knuckle rapping nuns!

Follow the arrows

Loved this shirt

The crew was great helping set up tents this year

Home sweet home for two nights - this year we got rain during the night

Some of my flair

The shower water was wonderfully hot this year

This sign says it all for me

Closing ceremonies - survivors circle

Big smiles

Holding up our shoes in honor of the survivors

Love Love Love This Picture!

Our Team T-Shirt "From the Canyon to the Cure - Team Grand Canyon"

Yea! Team Grand Canyon!

Goofing Off

Team Grand Canyon, Three Long Days and We Are All Still Smiling

Enjoying some post walk celebratory champagne!!

AZ 3 Day Walk Begins This Friday

2011-11-09T09:14:00.000-08:00

I leave tomorrow for the Arizona 3 Day Walk. Thank you everyone who donated this year. The seven of us on Team Grand Canyon have raised over $22,000 this year which puts us at $58,000 in three years. We could not have done it without all of our friends and family. It is nice to know that such good had come out of such a terrible time of my life. This is my third year walking. Since last year I have had two friends diagnosed with breast cancer. Both of them in their 40s. This year I walk for them and for the hope that I have that in the future others will not have to experience the breast cancer nightmare. I look forward to spending time with the ladies on our team. There are three of us that are walking for a third time, three of us walking for our second time, and one of us getting to experience her first walk. Three of us live in Grand Canyon National Park, two of us live in Denver, one of us lives in Phoenix, and one of us lives in New York. I am truly blessed to have such amazing women to walk next to for three days. I look forward to the others that I will meet this weekend. Everyone who makes the commitment to raise the $2,300 and participate in the walk has a story about how breast cancer has changed their lives. I would like to thank each of them personally for making a difference. The weather looks like we might be rained on a little. We only had a slight shower in 2009 so we are not used to rain on the walk or on our tents. I’m bringing more rain gear and some trash bags to wrap everything up in during the day when we are away from camp. I have the world’s largest sleeping bag since I get so cold at night. I needed help last night smashing it into my duffle. I don’t have much room for anything else now but at least I’ll be comfy when I sleep. I will take lots of pictures again this year and I’ll post them next week. Thanks again to all of you who donated. It means the world to me and it does make a difference.

We Saw 50/50 This Weekend

2011-10-23T21:43:00.000-07:00

I really liked it. I could tell it was written by someone who went through a cancer battle. It was funny and sad. I laughed a lot and teared up a few times when it hit close to home. They nailed it when the whole world sort of slowed down and he didn't hear another thing after the doctor said the word "cancer". And when he walked out of the doctor's office after his diagnosis into a hallway of people. The whole world looked different, he was no longer the same person he was just a few minutes before and yet here was the world continuing around him like nothing happened. He was healthy, he didn't smoke or drinks, he recycled and yet he still got cancer.

The only time I couldn't stop the tears was when he put his head against his Mom's and hugged her before his big surgery. That just reminded me of being with my parents before each of my surgeries. I tell you, it is much easier being the one who is sick than one of the loved ones watching. This was the second show I saw in a week that had cancer patients with overbearing Mothers. Mothers that smothered and let everyone know just how much their kid's cancer diagnosis affected them. That was completely opposite of my experience. I have the two most wonderful parents. They let me know from day one that they were on the train ride with me and that they weren't getting off until I got off first. They only made me feel loved and supported, I never had any inkling of the sacrifices they made during my treatment and since. They never acted like they were scared and were always positive. It had to be a terrible experience for them and my sisters seeing me in such pain and getting sicker and sicker not too mention how it all could have ended. But they never let me see it. Seeing them being so strong and positive gave me the strength to be the same. I owe them for so much and can never ever repay them.

Anyway, back to the movie. It was a great movie, a bit raunchy but it hit a lot of true notes. I thought they handled the subject manner well without being too light hearted but not too heavy handed. The main character "Adam" is very likable. The others are like in real life, some are there for you and some pull away just when you need them most. There are those that tell you how to beat the cancer and those that tell you about how their aunt died from exactly what you have. Some medical professionals are personable and caring, others are professional and move you from here to there without answering many questions. Some of the best people you meet are in the chemo chair next to you and not everyone survives. Losing you hair is no fun and chemo is painful. It is nice to have a canine companion to sleep next to during treatment. You can't do it alone and you are going to inconvenience others. It is good to get your rage out when it builds up too much and it is also good to apologize to those who you took your pain out on. You try to hang in there but eventually you get so tired of being sick that you feel like you just can't handle it any more.

The movie screenplay was written by Will Reiser. He was diagnosed with cancer in his late 20s and the movie is loosely based on his experience. I read somewhere that he was encouraged by Seth Rogan to write the screenplay. "We thought the best way to pull something good out of the situation was to get him to write a screenplay," Rogen is quoted as saying in the production notes. I think they succeeded in pulling something good out of the situation.

This is what drives me crazy about cancer treatments

2011-09-09T22:01:00.000-07:00

(MedPage Today) -- Breast cancer patients treated with endocrine therapy might improve their odds for survival by starting with tamoxifen and then switching to an aromatase inhibitor, authors of a meta-analysis concluded.

Upfront therapy with aromatase inhibitors have substantial cumulative toxicity, which could explain the lack of overall-survival benefit despite significant improvement in disease-free survival observed with the agents.

Longer-duration use of aromatase inhibitors increased the odds of cardiovascular disease and bone fractures but decreased the odds of venous thrombosis and endometrial cancer.

Overall, five years of treatment with aromatase inhibitors resulted in a trend toward increased mortality compared with five years of tamoxifen or a switching strategy, as reported online in the Journal of the National Cancer Institute.

"Our pooled data are consistent with data reported previously in the individual studies, which showed that compared with tamoxifen, aromatase inhibitors are associated with increased odds of bone fracture and reduced odds of venous thrombosis and endometrial carcinoma," Eitan Amir, MB ChB, of Princess Marget Hospital in Toronto, and coauthors wrote in their discussion.

I take my new little aromatase inhibitor pill every day with the hope and faith that I will get to live a fulfilling long life. Then I read things like this - "substantial cumulative toxicity" or "lack of overall-survival benefit" or "longer-duration use of aromatase inhibitors increased the odds of cardiovascular disease and bone fractures" So, while my little pink pill may save me from breast cancer, there is no increased overall survival benefit because it is going to kill me with something else. The whole article can be read at Aromatase Therapy Timing Key in Breast Cancer Survival on the breastcancer.org site. Yes, it looks like it is a good thing that I started with taking tamoxifen first and then switching to an AI but notice that the study was done with women taking the two meds for five years. My oncologist wants me to take the letrozole for eight years. Eight years. What is the "substantial cumulative toxicity" of EIGHT YEARS of this stuff. Heart problems run rampant through my family history while there is no one who has had my type of breast cancer. Am I shortening my life each morning when I take my pill? Am I lengthening my life each morning when I take my pill? I just don't know and it drives me crazy.

Oncologist Visit

2011-08-12T16:34:00.000-07:00

I finally stopped my boycott of all doctors on Wednesday. My tamoxifen prescription ran out and I had to make an appointment to get a new one. I had a good run though from the beginning of March until this week. I made it almost through the whole appointment before he gave me a hard time about the length of time between visits. I put my head down like I felt badly about it and promised it wouldn’t happen again. But between you and me, it was worth it! It has been a great doctor free spring and summer.

But I am now back in the medical fold. He suggested that I change from tamoxifen to an aromatase inhibitor (AI). He said that there is a better chance for survival on an AI for someone with my cancer history and since I had the hysterectomy and ovary removal. In an oversimplified nutshell – tamoxifen stops your body’s ability to use estrogen while AIs stop the body from making any estrogen. Of course ovaries are the main source of estrogen in a female body so women with their ovaries who have not gone through menopause cannot take them. But in the case of those of us without ovaries, the body also makes estrogen in other ways. Taking an AI will stop those other ways. My cancer was estrogen positive – meaning it fed and grew off of estrogen. So, if there is no estrogen, any cancer cells left in my body will not grow. OK – simple enough, I buy it. I tried to read the different studies concerning tamoxifen vs. aromatase inhibitors. One I read said that in women who have been on tamoxifen for two to three years and then switch to an AI, there is a 50% better long term survival rate. I don’t know who did the study, maybe it was the manufacturer of the AI I am going to be taking but I like the sound of that. Other studies show the opposite. So, it all boils down to my decision. Through it all I have always taken my doctor’s advice and I start taking letrozole on Monday.

The list of potential side effects is as long as the tamoxifen list and then some. I hope I do not have the hair thinning, the debilitating joint pain, the brain fog, or the sky high cholesterol that others complain of. I was worried about how much it was going to cost but it seems that there has been a generic version since last year. My pharmacist called today and said that it will only cost me $15 a month. Awesome! AIs do cause the body to lose bone density each year so I will have to go twice a year to have some sort of infusion to counteract the osteoporosis. I have my first one next week and I’ll find out more about it, I didn’t ask. My oncologist did say that I may feel achy like I have the flu for a few days afterwards. I can handle that. It is no chemo. I also go back in three months (I promised!) and we will discuss any side effects I am having and I can decide then whether I want to change back to tamoxifen again.

We also discussed how long I was going to continue to take medication. He had told me when I started on tamoxifen that it would only be for five years. I asked about the letrozole hoping it would be the same. He said that there have been some promising studies out of Europe showing that ten years is the most beneficial for both tamoxifen and AIs. He said we could discuss it again in three years.

So, I went to the doctor’s office this week thinking I had two years left of taking a medication which is causing me no bad side effects to seven years of taking a medication that could cause me all sorts of problems. See why I avoid doctors as much as I can?

But of course, if there is any chance that this new medication can give me a large chance of survival, I am obviously going to give it a try. And after spending too much time reading about the negative side effects, I’ve decided to not worry about them. Life is too short for worrying about something that may not happen. I’ll let you know………

Three Years Since Breast Cancer Came Into My Life

2011-07-08T10:16:00.000-07:00

Today is my three year cancerversary. It almost snuck up on me this year. Not much has happened since last year but this past year has been a year of healing for me both mentally and physically.

I can have days go by without dwelling on my diagnosis or treatment. I still spend time on the internet researching treatments /side effects/research findings, reading other breast cancer blogs, and visiting the message boards but it all doesn’t seem so personal any more. Almost like it happened to someone else, someone I am close to but not me. I’m not saying that something won’t trigger my memories and that I don’t end up back in the horror of that time but it definitely happens less often. I hardly ever dream about having cancer anymore and I’m hoping my friends and family find I talk about it less.

Horrible things happen to people every day. This day three years ago was one of those days for me. Hearing the pain in my doctor’s voice over the phone as he told me and then hearing the pain in my parents’ voices as I told them are memories that will always be seared in my brain. Time stood still as my mind tried to wrap itself around how much my life had changed in that one instance. I can’t erase those memories and I don’t think I want to any more. The whole cancer experience is now a part of me and a part of who I am.

I worry that sometimes I am a little too Pollyannaish but no matter how terrible and scary life can get, it has so far not even been close to how bad 07/08/08 was for me. And I survived that. I am still here plus I am happy and healthy. I am not saying that things are always great and that I always have a smile but when I start to get brought down by something happening around me, I can draw on the knowledge that I have the strength to get through just about anything. Plus there is the elephant in my brain that, while he has grown much smaller, he is still there making sure that I know I am not out of the woods yet. People often survive the first round of cancer but it can come roaring back in a second and next time I might not be so blessed/lucky. So, when time could be short for me, why the heck would I want to spend time worrying about something that happened at work or something breaking that can be fixed, or something that I am going to recover from. My life could be short, why spend it sweating the small stuff. And as long as I and my loved one’s are healthy, it is truly all small stuff. Life can go oh so wrong in just a second. One phone call can change your life forever. If there is one thing I have learned in the past three years, it is to live life like that phone call could happen any second. Today is a glorious day and so far the phone has not rung.

Physically, since my hysterectomy in January, I feel almost normal. I still have some constant aches from just above my lumpectomy scar and in my joints, I still have burn scars from radiation, and my hair is still very dark. Other than that I have no complaints or even any concerns right now. With all of the pain and subsequent testing to see if the cancer spread in the past three years, it has been wonderful to just live life and not have those constant scares. I think it has been three months since I have been to see a doctor! I still have two months left on my tamoxifen prescription so I might even make it five months. I used to go years with no contact with the medical community but for a while there I was going in daily which isn’t fun when it is over an hour drive to the cancer center. Not that I don’t love and appreciate all of my medical care providers, I just hope I don’t have to see them much in the future.

I’ve read that the side effects from chemo can linger for years. I think I am over the worst of them. My hands no longer get numb, my hair is long, my memory has come back, and I am starting to lose the weight I gained during treatment. I still have some circulation problems with my lower legs and feet but it is getting much easier to walk long distances. My mantra after treatment was that each day was better than the last and I truly believe that was true. The body’s ability to heal after being pumped full of poison is an amazing thing.

My last thought of the day – improvements in cancer treatment are made every day. I was very lucky to come into the fight at a time when some huge advancements had been made and I am feeling great today because I had some less invasive treatments than cancer patients had even five years ago. I am encouraged that I am reading about research findings that have been made even in the three years since my diagnosis. Please consider donating to a cancer research fund. Or even to my team for the Susan G. Komen 3 Day walk. I have to believe that there is a better way to fight cancer and that someday there will be a cure. I hope it is in my lifetime.

Here's my post from this day last year. I didn't write one on the first anniversary of my diagnosis. I think it was still too raw in my mind and I still just wanted the whole experience to go a way.
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Welcome Hawai'i !

2011-06-29T10:52:00.000-07:00

I first started the Wander Linda blog on July 21st, 2008. I can't see who visits my blog but I can track where they visit from and I have been waiting for the day that all fifty states had visited. I had to wait awhile but someone finally visited from the beautiful state of Hawai'i. New Mexico was the second the last state to visit about six months ago.

I don't have a very popular blog compared to the millions out there but since it started my blog has had 10,408 visits with 3,304 unique visitors. In addition to all 50 states plus the District of Columbia, I have had visitors from 80 different countries. Including some interesting place such as Azerbaijan, Iran, Nepal, Slovakia, Reunion, Laos, Latvia, UAE, and Kenya. My top ten countries from which I have had visitors are, in order; the US, Canada, the UK, Brazil, Australia, Spain, India, Germany, Malasia, and Italy.

I have not had a visitor from Greenland yet, that is my new goal.

Grand Canyon Chili Cookoff 2011

2011-06-09T20:44:00.000-07:00

Saturday is the third annual Grand Canyon Chili Cookoff held in memory of Deb Gardner. For the second year in a row all proceeds will go to Team Grand Canyon's AZ 3 Day Walk fundraising. For $10 you can enter your best chili. For $5 you can taste all of the chili and vote for your favorite. The winning chili cook gets $50 and dinner for two in the Arizona Room at the Bright Angel Lodge.

In conjunction with the Chili Cookoff Team Grand Canyon and their supports are selling raffle tickets for Arizona Diamondbacks games. Sysco, for the third year in a row, has generously donated four of their box seat tickets - this year the July 23rd Rockies game. We also have tickets for four other games as prizes. Raffle tickets are $5 for one or $20 for five. The drawing for the tickets will be held at the Chili Cookoff.

Last year we were able to raise over $2,000 with the raffle and cookoff. We shall see what this year brings. If you are interested in either make chili, tasting chili, or baseball raffle tickets please leave me a message and I'll contact you soon with details.

My fundraising went over the $2,300 required minimum today. Thank you so much for everyone who donated this year.

National Cancer Survivor's Day

2011-06-05T17:49:00.000-07:00

Today is National Cancer Survivor's Day. It falls on the first Sunday of each year. The first year it came around after my diagnosis I was invited to a luncheon that is put on by the NA Cancer Center. I at that point just wanted to put it all behind me and honestly, I was a bit embarrassed that I was a cancer patient. Last year, I got the same invite and enjoyed going to the luncheon with my boyfriend and another dear friend. It was great to see the staff from the cancer center and to laugh with them on how different I looked with hair. This year I did not get an invite so maybe they didn't hold it this year or I just didn't make the list. I think I wouldn't have gone though, I am enjoying the simple pleasures of boating this summer. Each weekend that we can spend out exploring seems like such an important life affirming time for me that I would hate to miss one. Playing with Daisy in the water, reading a book on the boat as it sways with the waves, starting to get my body in shape again while exploring the desert slickrock, the easy relaxed conversations with my boyfriend, swimming and laughing in the cool water, ending the day with a fire on the beach - all of them are exactly what I was fighting for as I battled cancer. So, it was the perfect way for me to celebrate that I am here for another National Cancer Survivor's Day.

Here's to all of my fellow cancer survivor's out there. I hope you each had a perfect day also. And I also have a quiet prayer for those who cancer took too soon and to those that are still battling to get back to what they love in life.

Another Weekend, Another Trip to Lake Powell

2011-05-25T22:24:00.000-07:00

Last weekend was out third weekend on Lake Powell with Greg's new boat "Serenity". It is nice to start getting out on the weekends more often than I have since my diagnosis in 2008.

Our first weekend out was a lot of fun but I couldn't believe how sore I was from getting off/on the boat, climbing into and out of the cuddy, hiking, lifting, and walking in the sand. My whole body ached all week afterwards. Boating is a full body workout! This week I felt great after the weekend. I'm hoping I am starting to get back into shape.

We could spend every weekend for the rest of our lives exploring around Lake Powell and not see everything

Daisy Loves Boating and Exploring and Swimming. Here she is being a good girl

I love spring cactus flowers

This weekend's private beach

Melissa Etheridge

2011-05-15T18:11:00.000-07:00

Melissa was diagnosed with breast cancer in 2004. I clearly remember her bald performance on the 2005 Grammy Awards show. I thought - wow, I could never do that. Well, it was only a few years later that I made the choice to be out in public bald. I'm glad it wasn't in front of millions. Here's a video of Melissa talking about her breast cancer fight and how it affected her music.

Here is that 2005 Grammy performance

Here are the full versions of the two songs she talks about in the video

I Run for Life

This is Not Goodbye

MelissaEtheridge.com has a breast cancer awareness page that can be seen at http://iam.melissaetheridge.com/pink/

Lake Powell

2011-05-15T17:36:00.000-07:00

We have a new addition to our family - a 19 foot boat. I hope I don't drive everyone crazy with Lake Powell pictures this summer but this weekend was our second weekend on the lake.

Lunch on our private beach

Afternoon exploring - the boat is back that way

Gunsight Butte

Globe Mallow in bloom everywhere

Where did Daisy come from?

Hey! Not Cool Daisy!

That's better

Daisy searching for her duck water toy

Sunset

Pretty colors

Wow

Daisy loves exploring

The perfect ending to the perfect day

When Pink is Just a Color Again

2011-05-03T21:47:00.000-07:00

New Your Times Online - Picture Your Life After Cancer

2011-04-28T21:33:00.000-07:00

Some of you may remember this blog that I wrote last May. The online version of the New York Times had asked cancer survivors to upload their photos and insights about life after cancer on their "Picture Your Life After Cancer" photo gallery. I uploaded a couple of pictures and wrote out some thoughts about life after cancer along with close to 900 other cancer survivors. Click here to see the virtual wall of survivors and read their thoughts.

Yesterday I received this email -

Dear Linda:

Thank you again so much for your submission to our “Picture Your Life After Cancer” photo gallery. The response has been tremendous, with over 800 photos already collected. Now we want to share with you the exciting news that your submission to the feature has been selected for publication in a book to be published next year by the American Cancer Society. The book will comprise 200 -250 “Picture Your Life After Cancer” submissions that have appeared on The Times website.

Congratulations, and our sincere thanks for contributing.

Karen Barrow

------------
Karen Barrow
Producer, Health
NYTimes.com

Here is the photo I submitted - Cancer Girl Surfs the Wave

Wild Horses

2011-04-25T21:28:00.000-07:00

While on vacation last week we saw a herd of wild horses on the Colorado - New Mexico border. I have always loved horses and had a great time taking pictures. Here are some of my favorites.

Going to Bat Against Breast Cancer

2011-04-03T21:02:00.000-07:00

I have enter Major League Baseball's honorary bat girl contest. With a huge amount of help from my friend Steph wrote we wrote an awesome entry and she talked me into using a picture of myself bald. We had 900 characters to tell how I have gone to bat against breast cancer and increased awareness. It was hard but I think we have an interesting and original entry. Please check out my story and the other compelling stories that have been posted. Click here You can find me by searching by team (Diamondbacks) and then I am "Canyon to a Cure". I would appreciate your votes but there are some amazing women on there that are also worthy of your votes.

Fundraising Time Again

2011-03-16T21:06:00.000-07:00

It seems like the 2010 3 Day Walk was just last week but it is time to start fundraising again for the 2011 walk. I hate asking people for money and other types of donations especially in this economy. I am just amazed at the generosity of my friends and family. No big plans yet to change our fundraising activities. We will have a Diamondbacks ticket raffle with a Chili Cookoff and a National Park trip raffle with an All You Can Eat Hot Dog BBQ. So far we have overnight stay gift certificates at Zion, Grand Canyon, Crater Lake, and Yellowstone National Parks. Keep an eye out here and I'll keep everyone updated on our final prizes and how to enter the raffle.

Right now we have six team members on Team Grand Canyon. We hope to end up with seven or eight. In the past two years we have raised over $35,000 and hope to raise another $20,000 this year. All donations are very much appreciated. Just click on the 3 Day widget to the left of this page to make a donation by credit card.

Back to Work Tomorrow!

2011-02-23T19:26:00.000-08:00

Sorry I have not posted in awhile. I had my surgery on January 20th as planned and it was successful. It was harder and took longer than the doctor thought but I was only in the hospital for two nights. I've been at home recuperating since then. My doctor wanted me to take six weeks off of work but I have been feeling pretty good and have not taken any pain pills for the past two and a half weeks. She agreed to let me start back to work after five weeks which is tomorrow! I have some pictures from the hospital that I will post this weekend. I am also going to start to take my life back by getting out and exercising every day and eating better. I will also be posting on my progress on both of those and I would love to have all of you keep on me to keep it up. I am ready to wear all of my pre-cancer clothes again and I am determined to walk the entire 60 miles of the three day walk this year.

More AZ 2010 3 Day Pics

2011-01-15T19:36:00.001-08:00

Tents at night - it was COLD this year, glad I brought my super warm new sleeping bag

Our home for the two nights

Souvenir

Three days of portapotties and hand sanitizer

View from the Survivor's Circle of the main stage at the closing ceremonies

Finishing the walk with big smiles

Sore feet

Lunch!

Many of the reasons we walk

Everything Team Grand Canyon needs for the 3 Day Walk

And we named him Kyle

Not sure where to go? Follow the ladies in the pink tutus

Friendly cross walk guy

View while taking a nap during lunch

Two Years After Cancer Treatment

2011-01-06T18:41:00.000-08:00

It was two years ago today that I walked out of the Northern Arizona Cancer Center after finishing my final radiation treatment. They gave me a certificate of accomplishment and a violet plant.

It was almost exactly six months from my biopsy to finishing treatment. My treatment consisted of a lumpectomy, four chemo treatments three weeks apart, 33 radiation treatments, and a five year prescription of tamoxifen. When I first started treatment I couldn’t wait for it to end. When it finally did end, I was not so sure. At least we were doing something before and now, all of a sudden, I was thrown back into “normal” life. My parents went home, I was in constant pain, I was bald, and the bills were piled up. I was exhausted and struggling to get my life back in control. Everyone expected that I should be tickled pink to be finished and able to move on with my life. The constant struggle to be positive and strong was taking its toll. I even shocked myself with how low my outlook was after my final treatment. I was given a second chance, why was I so sad? If I didn’t have to get up for work, I often spent the entire day in bed. I was a physical and mental wreck.

I can see why depression is common in cancer survivors. For six months all of my efforts were pointed towards beating cancer. Now there was time to face the fear, the pain, and the grief of my cancer diagnosis. I wasn’t sure I was ready to spend the rest of my life as a cancer survivor. Plus there was the fear of recurrence. Since my diagnosis, I have spent very little time thinking “why me” but I have driven myself sick with worry wondering “what if” it returns. The thought of recurrence is always with me. What if I just went through all of that and it didn’t even work? I have a piece of paper that says I have a 13% chance of my cancer returning and killing me. Yikes!
Also, I have to admit I look nothing like I did the day of my first surgery. I’ve gained a whole bunch of weight, my hair is taking forever to grow out and it is way too dark, I have numerous scars and radiation tattoos which keep me from wearing low cut shirts, I will never give birth to a child (this one makes me weep even writing it), and I am deformed. Every time I look in the mirror I am reminded of what happened and I grieve for the person I was. I know I am more than just my scars but I am still not comfortable with them. I hope to someday look at them with pride.

It has been a hard uphill battle for me ever since treatment has ended and I am a bit embarrassed to admit it. I guess depression is never easy to talk about. I wish I had spent some time with the cancer center therapist two years ago. It might have gone easier for me. I encourage anyone out there experiencing depression after cancer to talk to their doctors about it. Or talk to other survivors. From what I read 25% of cancer survivors experience depression so there are plenty of other people out there who know what you are going though. I have had this blog which helped me express some of what I was thinking and I spent time talking with others on various breast cancer web sites. I am also blessed to have a supportive family, awesome friends, and the best boyfriend ever. While I never really talked to them about what I was going through, just having them in my life made things better. Time and distance have also helped but if I am not careful I can find myself descending into depression again.

I have been told that I am an inspiration to others and while I am not sure I deserve the accolade, I am proud of where I am today. I would like to think that others can look at me and see that there is life after breast cancer and it can be wonderful.

While it has been easy for me to spend too much time looking backward, as each day passes I spend more and more time looking forward. I do not know what my future will bring but I will continue to raise money for the Susan G. Komen Foundation, I will continue my commitment to improving physically, I will do my best to be a support to others going through the same struggle, I will continue to feel better about myself, and I will continue to be a breast cancer survivor.

2010 Arizona 3 Day Walk - Cheer Stations

2011-01-05T19:27:00.000-08:00

By far one of the best parts of the 3 Day walk was the spectators. At almost any given time during the course there are people cheering, handing out goodies (Steph calls it Halloween for adults), holding up signs, dressing up, yelling "thank you for walking". There are two or so official cheer stations everyday with lots of people and pink. There are also all sorts of "walker stalkers" who are found several times a day all along the route. The people who live in the neighborhoods we walk through also come out, cheer, and decorate their lawns. Entire schools come out and line up to give us high fives. It is amazing to see the number of people are there to encourage us. And it is easy to get used to feeling like a rock star. Walking into work on Tuesday is kind of a let down - no one yelling "good job" and giving me otter pops. Here are some of my favorite pictures of our cheering spectators.

Team Grand Canyon with the sign my parents made.

I like this picture because one of the main reason I walk is for my friend Gladys who died way too young from breast cancer. Note the sign to the right - all along the route there are signs put up by the walk organization. One of my favorites reads - "Lunch One Mile"

Super heroes against breast cancer! That's me on the left.

We saw these two at almost all of the cheer stations.

Not just surviving...thriving!

Love, Love, Love This One!

Rock Stars Against Breast Cancer - it is the same group as the Super Heroes above. They changed outfits numerous times during the walk and we saw them many times each day.

Steph is Nacho Boobre.

We also saw this young man numerous times a day - he was always smiling just like this.

A couple of Judy's friends cheering the walkers along.

All sorts come out to cheer.

Look! It's my favorite cheerers!

These guys are great!

What it kind of looks like walking through a cheer section - without all of the noise.

If you are in the area next November, come out and join the fun!

Arizona 2010 Susan G. Komen 3 Day Walk - Survivor's Circle at Closing Ceremonies

2010-12-29T20:10:00.000-08:00

Leaving the stage at the end of ceremonies. That is me just to the left of the flag pole.

All of the other survivors joined us on the stage - hugging and dancing at the end of the closing ceremonies. We didn't even have to talk, we just looked each other in the eye and started crying. All of us had heard the word's "it is cancer" and all of us had to tell our loved ones of the diagnosis. It is this shared experience that made all of us have to walk. We are all committed to doing all we can to make sure that someday no one else will ever have to go through what we have gone through. Lots of tears and lots of love.

There were eight of us in the Survivor's Circle. It was a huge honor to be asked to participate.

"A World Without Breast Cancer" is what the flag says.

That's me just to the left of the flag pole

Walking in with our flags - I carried the "commitment" flag

Looking up at the center flag "A World Without Breast Cancer"

Being part of the Survivor's Circle is definately one of the top five highlights of my life. It was emotional in so many ways. I was proud to be there as a survivor. I was honored to represent those who are no longer with us. I was amazed at the dedication of the other walkers and crew members. I was tickled pink to be a member of Team Grand Canyon. I was just so thankful that my parents were able to experience it with me. I was hopeful for my future as a survivor. I was and will continue to be committed to ending breast cancer.

Click Here for a picture of me from the 3 Day web site. While you are there feel free to donate to Team Grand Canyon. We hope to raise $30,000 this year so every little bit helps! So, far we have only raised $10 so we have a ways to go. Glad we have eleven months!

I'll have some more walk photos posted soon.

Surgery Date Is Set

2010-12-26T20:46:00.000-08:00

January 20th it is. Back when it first came up January seemed a long time away. Now it is less than four weeks. I can't believe it is two and a half years since my diagnosis and the fall out continues. I saw my oncologist a couple of weeks ago and he was please I was having my uterus and last ovary removed. He said I will have a better chance of not having a recurrance. So, there is some good news. He said after the surgery we will discuss whether I will continue to take tamoxifen or will start taking something else. Since I am no longer having any problems with tamoxifen other than the issues the surgery will take care of, he said that he thinks I will stay on it. My doctor who is doing the surgery says that with my previous endometrial surgery and ovary removal she is pretty sure that she will have to complete the surgery adominally which means a longer hospital stay and longer recovery time. With the first surgery I was in the hospital three days I believe and there were staples involved. Staples!! I didn't even know that was possible. I am already psyching myself up for it this time - see picture above. I was a bit worried about how I was going to manage for the couple of weeks or so that I will be down and out but of course my wonderful parents said they will come up and take care of me. I have no idea what I would do with out them. I am also working on losing some of the weight I have gained since the diagnosis. I was doing pretty well and had lost 20 pounds before my birthday last week and Christmas this week. I'd like to lose another 10 before the surgery so am back on the diet tomorrow. I still plan on putting up pictures from the 3 Day Walk. Check back in the next week or so for some good ones. The pic above is actually from the walk - it was one of my favorite signs!

The AZ 3 Day Walk is Over

2010-11-15T19:33:00.000-08:00

What an amazing experience with an amazing six women. I was so honored to walk with them. I was honored to be one of the eight walkers in the Survivor's Circle. It will go down as one of the highlights in my entire life. I can't believe how lucky I was to be asked. I was worried about if I would trip or goof up in some way and then when I was actually carrying the flag in front of all the people I was just so tickled to represent the walkers that I didn't even think of anything else. Team Grand Canyon did an amazing job and I truely enjoyed my time with all of them. How blessed am I to have such an amazing women to walk with? I will have pictures up soon and some more blogs on my thoughts of the event.

Rehearsal is over and I did not trip!

2010-11-11T16:39:00.000-08:00

The weather is beautiful and it was exciting to see everything being set up. I can't wait until tomorrow.

The Bags Are Packed and the Car is Pointed South

2010-11-10T20:08:00.000-08:00

I can't believe the Arizona 3 Day Walk is here. It seems like we have been fundraising and training forever. I really want to give out a great big THANK YOU to all of you who gave our team such generous donations and to all of you who attended our events. The hard part is finished and now Team Grand Canyon gets to enjoy a few days of strolling around the Phoenix area.

I am very excited to have a chance to share this event with my close friends and the best part of the whole thing will be the time I get to spend with them laughing and walking. Thank you ladies. Thank you for all of your fundraising efforts, thank you for the great emails keeping the team informed, thank you for buying plane tickets and taking time off work to be in Arizona for a long weekend in November, thank you for all of the training miles you have done, thank you for all the Thursday team lunches, thank you for the raffle prize donations, thank you for making enchiladas (!) so we have a homemade meal the night before the walk, for all the logistics planning so we have a place to stay tomorrow night and rides to and from the event, thank you for your commitment to end breast cancer, thank you for being my friends, and thank you for walking next to me these next few days. As you all know, I'm not always very good at expressing myself but please know, having each of you on the team means more to me than I know how to say. There is no doubt that having cancer sucked but if I had never been through it, I would not have had this amazing experience with you. I am so happy that back in 2008 you could not say no to a bald woman. And am happier that you enjoyed it enough in 2009 that Team Grand Canyon is back in 2010 and more than double in size. If I have learned one thing in the past two years it is that one person can make a huge difference in the world - just think of what the seven of us have accomplished!

Here's to a walk full of laughs, sore feet, walker stalkers, tents, cheering, community showers, singing, portapotties, a few tears, lots of pink, making new friends, and the knowledge that each day bringing us that much closer to a cure! We walk because we can and because everyone deserves a lifetime.

The AZ 3 Day Walk Starts on Friday!

2010-11-08T19:32:00.000-08:00

The walk is finally here. The seven of us have raised just over $19,500. Not quite our goal of $20,000 but close enough. The logistics have been worked out and it sounds like we will have quite a few of our friends and family cheering us on at the cheer stations. I am just so excited that I can hardly stand it that my parents are coming for Saturday and Sunday. They made us some very generous donations and were a huge help as our cooks at our fundraising BBQ.

I drive down early on Thursday morning and have to go a rehearsal of the opening and closing ceremonies that afternoon. I hope that if I am going to trip and drop my "commitment" flag, I do it at the rehearsal and not in front of the 1,200 walkers.

I will be posting pictures on facebook during the walk and will hopefully be doing some short live blogs here. My camera batteries are charging right now and I have a new phone with internet access.

This year I have a much warmer sleeping bag for the two nights in the tent so I plan on getting more sleep. I'm bringing warmer pajamas also. I was tickled last night when I was able to fit my huge sleeping bag into my duffle. Not much room for anything else but that is OK since the bag also takes up most of the 35 pounds we are allowed to bring.

I hope to at least walk more than I did last year and I'd love to complete every mile on Sunday. I have a better plan to avoid blisters this year which will make the walk much more enjoyable. I had horrible blisters on the bottom of my feet starting on the first day in 2009. It made walking the final day pretty miserable. Not this year!

Have to run to watch Conan! Nice to have him back.

Health Update

2010-10-26T20:34:00.001-07:00

As some of you who read this blog knows, I have been having some new health issues these past few months. I haven't really mentioned them on here because I just hoped they would go away. Plus, let's face it, I seem to always have something to complain about and I didn't want this blog to be all about what is wrong with me today. Well, this problem is not going to go away without another trip to the hospital.

Long long story short - I started taking tamoxifen two years ago right after I finished chemo. I'll take it for three more years. It was prescribed for me since my cancer was 100% estrogen positive and tamoxifen blocks the effects of estrogen. So, I take it to decrease my chances of having cancer return. Now, like all cancer "treatments" that the medical industry recommends, there are all sorts of nasty side effects of taking tamoxifen - more than I want to list here. All of the literature says that the benefits of tamoxifen in treating breast cancer far outweigh the ricks of serious side effects. Two of those side effects though are endometrial cancer and/or ovarian cysts. Especially in women who were pre-menopausal when they were diagnosed with cancer.

Starting in August I started showing the symptoms of potentially having one or both of them. I got into a doctor pretty quickly. She right away did a biopsy that day and sent me for an ultrasound. The biopsy results came back inconclusive and the ultrasound showed something wrong with my ovary (I've only had one since the other was removed in my 20s) plus an enlarged uterus. She then signed me up for out patient surgery so she could go in and get a good cell sample for another biopsy and so she could take a look at the ovary and the uterus. This was a couple of weeks ago. She said that if I did not hear from her by the next Wednesday, the biopsy results came back OK.

I have a side not here - I have obviously not had good news from biopsies in the past. Would it have been so hard to give me a call either way just to let me know? It would have saved a whole bunch of us a lot of worry.

We met with her two weeks later and as soon as she walked into the room she told us that there was no sign of cancer! Great news! On the other hand, she said, my ovary is pretty much rotten and needs to come out pretty quickly. And since I then won't have any ovaries, there won't be any reason to keep the uterus. Plus if I don't have the uterus removed now I will continue to have the issues I am having, they will continue to get worse, and it will lead to more problems probably sooner rather than later. So, she says I need to have a hysterectomy to take it all out. (I asked her for any cons to have my uterus removed and she could not give me any other than not being able to have kids which I won't be able to have anyway. I will be doing some research to see if there are indeed no other cons.)

It means I may need up to six weeks off work to recover. I asked her when it needed to be done and she said she would want the ovary removed by the end of the year. I asked if we could hold off until mid-January because now is a super busy time at work and she agreed to that time frame if I have another ultrasound before then and now. As long as the ovary has not gotten worse, we can wait; if it has gotten worse, we do the surgery early December.

So, those are my exciting upcoming plans - an ultrasound the week before Thanksgiving and a hysterectomy in January.

I am so tired of surgeries and medical bills and missing work and worrying, that I am really bummed about the whole thing, but by golly the news could have been much worse. I truly believe I just need to get through this last dip and it will all be uphill from here. It has to be, right?!

Susan G. Komen 3 Day Walk Fundraising

2010-10-20T19:46:00.000-07:00

Team Grand Canyon hit the $17,000 fundraising mark today! All seven of us will have raised the $2,300 minimum amount to be allowed to participate in the walk which is only 3 and a half weeks away.

It is not too late to donate! :)

Linda's donation page

I have been training as much as I can with a busy work schedule and some more health issues. I hope to get some good miles in this weekend.

Some fun news - I have been nominated and chosen to be a member of the Survivor's Circle this year at the opening and closing ceremonies. I am will be carrying the "commitment" flag and am very honored to be chosen.

Insurance Fun and Games

2010-10-12T20:45:00.000-07:00

I know it is a blessing that I have a good health insurance plan. I did not have to make any health care decisions based on financial worries. I can't even imagine the struggle of going through a cancer fight with no or inadequate insurance. So, while I am going to complain about my health insurance company, I know there are others out there wishing they had my insurance even with the headache of dealing with them.

So, back in July I was having quite a bit of back pain. One day while I was massaging it, I felt a lump just to the right of my back bone. The last time I found a lump, it did not go well. I wrote about the ensuing PET scan a few posts back. Fortunately, the results came back clean.

I received a claim report from my insurance company about a month later. It said that my PET scan was not covered by my insurance and that I was responsible for the entire $6,700. My breath caught in my throat but it had to be a mistake - right!? I pulled up my coverage plan online and right there it said that PET scans are covered at 90% after my deductible. I also noted that the coverage said that if I used a preferred provider, it was the provider's responsibility to make sure that the scan was pre-authorized. Excellent news.

I called my insurance company first. I talked to a nice lady named Carolyn. She looked up my claim and agreed that it was indeed covered under my insurance plan but that the radiology center did not have it pre-authorized. She said that they could at this point try to get it post-authorized. OK - strange that they did not get a pre-authorization but now I have a starting point to get this fixed.

I called the billing department of the radiology center. No, I was told they would not be the one's to have it pre-authorized, it would have been my doctor who would done it before even having the PET scan scheduled.

I called the financial lady at my oncologist's office. What?! They would never be the one's to get the pre-authorization, they would send my medical records over to the radiology center and it would be the radiology center who would call the insurance company. Great. The financial lady did give me a phone number for the supervisor of the department in radiology that gets pre-approvals.

I called the supervisor of the department in radiology that gets pre-approvals for PET scans. The supervisor was busy but I did talk to a helpful lady who was able to pull up my account. Here it is - the billing department should have been able to see this also - but we did call for a pre-approval and "Jeff" at your insurance company said it did not have to be pre-approved. The helpful lady said that she would call again and have it post-approved. She said that if I received a bill from them for the entire amount, I should call the radiology billing department again and they would put the bill on hold until this was all figured out.

Great - this seems to be taken care of. Two weeks later I received a bill from radiology for the entire amount.

I called the radiology billing department to put the bill on hold. Another nice lady looked up my account. They had tried to have the PET scan post-approved but my insurance company told them that the procedure was not covered under my plan. She could give me an extra two days to pay the bill but I need to start making payments in two weeks. And they will only give me 6 months to pay the bill so my first payment needs to be over $1,000. Wonderful.

I called my insurance company - and got Carolyn again. Her lucky day. She looked up my account. Yes, she can see where "J" (for "Jeff'?) told Vicki at the radiology department that the PET scan did NOT need to be pre-authorized. However, it did need to be pre-authorized. She did not at all see my frustration of the insurance company saying BEFORE the PET scan that it did not need to be pre-authorized and now saying AFTER the PET scan that it did need to be pre-authorized. Are you kidding me? But it gets better. So, she says that radiology will need to have it post-authorized. I understand, I say, they did try to have it post-authorized but when radiology called the insurance company, they were told that the procedure was not covered under my plan and the insurance company would not let them post-authorize it. Yes, Carolyn says, she can see where radiology called and was told that the procedure was not covered. The person at the insurance company, however, was "looking at a screen in the new system where it looks like PET scans are not covered but if they look at a screen in the old system it shows that it is covered" She suggested I call radiology back and that the person who calls this time to have it post-authorized should be persistent and ask for a supervisor. While Carolyn was always very friendly, she never did acknowledge that what she was telling me was just beyond frustrating. I thought about it later and working for this insurance company, she must spend 8 hours a day dealing with their ineptitude or at least their attempts to avoid paying for insurance claims. I am sure she has seen it all and worse.

So, let's recap. Radiology calls to have PET scan pre-approved. Insurance company says it does not need to be pre-approved. Linda has PET scan. PET scan claim is denied. Insurance company says PET scan needed to be pre-approved and now needs to be post-approved. Radiology calls to have PET scan post-approved. Insurance company says PET scan is not covered and won't let radiology post-approve the PET scan.

I call the supervisor of the department in radiology that gets procedures pre-approved. She pulls up my file. She points out that they have tried twice now to have my PET scan authorized and the insurance company refuses to let them. "I don't know what we can do for you at this point." Well, I hate to say it but I got a bit teary eyed as I begged her to help me. I pointed out that I had no idea that to do at this point either. She took pity on me and said she would give a call about my dilemma to a supervisor in the billing department that she knew. She said that since it was later in the day in the mid-west but she would let me know if she heard anything.

At this point I decided to get our company benefits coordinator involved also. I wrote all of this up and sent her copies of my claim denial and radiology invoice. She talked to someone with the insurance company who asked her to send over my medical records. Hey, how about that, someone at the HEALTH insurance company agreeing to finally see my HEALTH records!

I called the supervisor of the department in radiology that gets procedures pre-approved. She had not heard anything from her billing department so was very happy to send over my medical records. And get me out of her hair.

I called the billing department of radiology and explained where we are on everything and was told that they would delay the date of my first payment by a month!

It took two weeks but I did get word from our benefits coordinator that the insurance company has agreed that it was a medically needed a procedure and that it will be covered! WooHoo. But they are waiting for an out of state adjuster to take a look at it before they send any payments out. What?!?! I am trying to be an optimist but it has been a week and everything still says that the claim is still rejected.

So, stay tuned. I might be making some more phone calls. I hope I get Carolyn again. I bet she remembers me this time.

This is just the most recent egregious example I have of my insurance wars. At least now I am feeling well and just have the one problem. Back when I was in treatment, I was receiving up to twenty bills a week. It was impossible to keep track of everything when I was so sick. I figure I paid over $1,000 more than I should have but I just didn't have the strength/energy/mental accumen to play these games.

Shame on insurance companies. To take advantage of people when they are at their lowest like that is just inexcusable.

Long Weekend Pictures - Winslow/Holbrook Area

2010-08-24T21:31:00.000-07:00

We recently had a three day weekend and we headed over to Petrified Forest National Park for some exploring and hiking. We also visited Rock Art Ranch and took pictures of rock art. While we were in the area and had time we drove up to Little Painted Desert County Park which was beautiful. One night we stayed in the Mary Jane Colter designed La Posada Hotel in Winslow. It was a special treat and we were able to stay in the Hugh Hefner room. We spent the evening exploring the hotel and grounds after a wonderful dinner in the Turquoise Dining Room (two words - chocolate souffle!) All in all it was a great weekend get away trip. There are sure a lot of great places to visit in Arizona.

Maddie Was a Good Dog

2010-08-19T18:25:00.001-07:00

Over the past two years I have been able to bare my soul on this blog about so many heart wrenching topics very near and dear to me. But there is one topic I just can’t seem to find the right words for. My beloved Golden Retriever Maddie died in my arms on January 16th. I have sat down with this computer many times to write an ode to my girl but can’t seem to get past the first couple of sentences. I am unable to do her justice and I can’t seem to express how much she meant to me and what a perfect companion she was. I’m glad I wrote an earlier blog about her which I think gives a portion of her essence. I still cry for her daily and miss her. Terribly. I’ll keep trying to write my ode to Maddie. She deserves it.

I had Maddie cremated and we buried her on April 10th at Angel’s Rest in Best Friends Animal Sanctuary in Kanab, Utah. She is surrounded by all sorts of other beloved animals and has a great view from her little spot. She has a nice marker with her picture on it that says she was a good dog. We had a nice little ceremony and my parents, Greg, Kindra, and Daisy were all there for her. We buried her with one of her favorite toys. Daisy and I stopped by to visit her not long ago. We left a ceramic lizard for her to chase and someone had put a “faithful companion” stone on her grave. They have hundreds of wind chimes throughout the area so it is a very calm peaceful place to visit.

Today at the Grand Canyon

2010-08-07T22:11:00.000-07:00

One of my photos is on MSNBC.com this week!

2010-07-17T20:50:00.000-07:00

I took this on our trip to Yellowstone last month. I have been voting on the "It's a Snap" travel photo contest on msnbc.com the past couple of years and have wanted to have a photo good enough to make it into the contest. As soon as I took this one, I knew I would enter it. I sent it in early last week and it was chosen and listed this Friday. Right now I am #9 of 27. Very fun! To see it on msnbc.com for the next few days click here.

Sometimes a bad back is just a bad back

2010-07-16T21:12:00.001-07:00

I can say that the PET scan today was one of the most uncomfortable things I have ever done. First they gave me a shot that made me radioactive. The stuff came in a lead lined box in a lead lined syringe. After I got it I was put in a lead lined room by myself. They wouldn't even let Greg sit with me. "She is pretty radioactive right now, it would be better if you sat out front." Unlike the bone scan, for the PET scan I couldn't leave and come back. I sat there an hour reading and napping. The scan itself was in a long tube while laying on a thin board. They velcroed my arms to the side of my body and it took about 20 minutes. It was a long 20 minutes. My leg went to sleep, my arms were shaking from holding them under my body, I needed to cough, and of course the imagined itchy areas. Well, I didn't move and the scan went fine. We went and had lunch, did some shopping, and met with my oncologist for great news. My scan was clean and my blood tests came back perfectly normal. What a relief - Plan A it is! The doctor said my scan was the only clean scan he had all day so I think he enjoyed giving good news as much as I enjoyed hearing it. I started to cry before I even left the building. What a relief - the stress and worry of the past two weeks were gone in the space of a second. I don't plan on going back into the cancer center until 2011!!

What If

2010-07-13T20:43:00.000-07:00

No one wants to talk about “what if”. I think I would like to talk “what if” with someone. It is certainly on my mind but I know those that love me don’t even want to think about it.

But I’m a planner, I prefer to think through different scenarios and have a game plan for each. Rains tomorrow, bring a rain coat and leave it in the car. Road construction in Salt Lake City, let’s drive through Park City and Provo Canyon. Home Depot doesn’t have the paint color I want, let’s mail order it. Power goes out, I have a flashlight next to my bed. Just the type of thoughts and plans everyone has every day.

Plan Bs.

My cancer comes back,…………….………. No Plan B. I’ve got nothing. I can’t even comprehend my reaction to hearing the news much less what I would do about it. I don’t have a Plan B because this time we would be playing for keeps. I’m not sure I would have had chemo the first time, knowing what I know now. But how could I let my family down and not have it in the future? I know everyone thinks they are being supportive saying – don’t worry it is not coming back. I know they worry too but don’t want to worry me. I say of course it is not coming back because I don’t want to worry them. So, no one talks about it.

But sometimes it is hard to be in my own head, if it does come back now I worry I will be letting everyone down. And if I do force the conversation and it does not come back then I am just a drama queen worrying everyone about nothing. Cancer sure plays with your head.

I have had some back pain for the past two months, I am having a PET scan this Friday. I’ll hear the results that afternoon. It has been a long week alone in my head.

I know it is not coming back ………. but what if?

Two Years Ago Today......

2010-07-08T20:13:00.000-07:00

Today is my cancerversary. Hard to believe it has been two years since my diagnosis with stage 2 breast cancer. I remember that day like it was yesterday – the way time slowed down almost to a stop while my doctor said the words “it is cancer”, calling my parents (I still start to cry thinking about that call). It is a date I have looked forward to with a bit of trepidation. While I am certainly happy that I am a two year survivor, it is still hard for me to look back on my cancer experience and feel like celebrating. I do feel some pride for making it through it as best I could, but I also feel like I could have been so much stronger. I am ashamed of the time I was harsh with my Mom when she said I looked good bald and still feel a bit embarrassed about how much help I needed. I never could have survived without my parents and the support of my family and friends. I will never ever be able to pay everyone back for their kindness. I worry about that all the time. There is certainly a feeling of relief for being two years down the cancer survivor road. It is sure a bumpy road but two years is two years. My body has betrayed me and it has been hard for me so far to understand my “new normal” and trust my body again. I still have a lot of pain.
As today has gotten close I have been reading other blogs from survivors talking about their cancerversaries. I don’t seem to be the only one to have conflicting feelings about the day. I guess I am very happy to still be alive and I do think the time distance from the experience blunts some of the horror but boy I would give just about anything to have it never have happened.
Here are some thoughts from others on their cancerversaries:
“A cancerversary is more like a birthday than an anniversary in many ways. It is the day that your life as you knew it ends, and a new life begins. Because no matter what the outcome, life is never the same after a cancer diagnosis.”
“My hope is that it will forever be a day that marks triumph over fear and hope over despair. In the end, these are the characteristics that Karen -- and many thousands of survivors like her -- embodied as she stood up to cancer: courage, strength, hope. They are words used over and over to describe the qualities of those who battle cancer. I can tell you, they are words never over-used or under-appreciated for those who fight this disease.”
“I remember how my cancerversaries used to feel momentous, partly because my life took such a dramatic change on the day I was diagnosed, but also because of the relief that I made it another year. I'd always know when they were coming up.”
“Today I am acutely aware of that sense of survivor guilt which I have written of before. In a funny way, the “why me” questions I sometimes asked myself when first diagnosed with cancer, are now reversed. That “why me – why did I get cancer when others don’t” has been turned around to “why me – why do I get to survive when others don’t. “
“I will always be able to look in the eyes of another survivor and without saying a word, be able to read the shared pain and fear we share. Today, I am a one year survivor. Today I feel hope mixed with an anxious future of what the Lord holds in his plan for me. Today, I am so thankful for those who carried me through and the blessings I have each day. Today, I am grateful for another year of life.”
“Some friends have asked me if I am celebrating this milestone today and the answer is I am celebrating by doing the ordinary things – a walk, a coffee later with a friend, cooking dinner for my husband…for it was the ordinary things I longed to be able to do again when I was ill. It took cancer to teach me the beauty of such ordinary things.”

Vacation Pictures - Yellowstone and Grand Tetons

2010-06-28T21:21:00.001-07:00

How Daisy Spent Her Day

2010-06-03T20:59:00.001-07:00

Chewing her water bucket into tiny pieces and distributing them all over the yard. I've been half thinking about testing her out alone in the house now that she is older. I think I might wait say five more years before I try it now. I can only imagine what would happen to my couch. I lost my beautiful beloved Maddie earlier in the year - maybe she doesn't like being an only dog. I'm hoping all of these 3 Day training walks tire her out a bit. We went another three miles tonight.

Pink Gloves for Breast Cancer

2010-06-01T22:08:00.000-07:00

Love this video - I have nothing but great things to say about the people at the Northern Arizona Cancer Center. The video is from a different hospital but it reminds me of my great caretakers. I still remember so many of them.

Nurse Nancy who came and sat with me at my first appointment with the surgeon. And who stuck with me during my entire treatment even though she had never met me before.

Wonderful Maria who always made me smile and talked me into signing up for the Wednesday massages.

The folks in the chemo room who were always so nice.

The nurse who put in my IV for my post insertion surgery who let my blood spatter all over the floor.

The gentleman who wheeled me into my first surgery who was so touched by my parents.

My surgeon who talked more to my sister about Texas than to me.

The counselor who let me collapse in tears on her couch. More then once.

The nutritionist who always tried to talk to me when I was in a horrible mood and who I was never nice to but she was always very nice to me.

The radiologists who became part of my every day life and who I hope to never see again.

The lady who started complaining about her hair as she walked bald ole me to my appointment - she caught herself in mid-sentence and we both had a good laugh.

The guy who got to do his first radiation tattoos on me - it really hurt and he felt badly.

The lady who told me that while the dye shot I was going to get would really hurt but at least there would only be one of them - yes it really hurt and no there was not just one. She felt badly also.

The orderly who held my hand while I was scared to death waiting in the hallway the morning of my first surgery.

What a hard job each of them have - working with people going through such a horrible ordeal as cancer. Their ability to show compassion and to inject kindness and humor made it all bearable.

I've started training for the Arizona 3 Day Walk

2010-06-01T21:42:00.000-07:00

It is just over 23 weeks until the walk in November. I plan on walking the whole thing this year so am following the official 3 Day Walk 24 week training plan. Today was the first three mile walk and I was late getting home from work so these first three miles were on the treadmill.

We had our first fundraiser a couple of weeks ago. We raffled a bunch of Diamondbacks baseball tickets and had a chili cookoff. We made just over $2,300. We have six people on the team so far this year and we each need to make $2,300 to walk so it was great to make enough to put one person over the top and another that much closer. We are thinking about having a dessert cookoff next.

I hurt my back a couple of weeks ago. I was just lifting my bags and getting out of the car. The pain was immense so instead of my usual suffer and take it game plan - I went to the clinic the same day. The doctor was just going to give me some pain pills and muscle relaxants since she believed that I could not have hurt myself too badly just getting out of the car. Then I told her that I had had chemotherapy a year and a half ago. She said that because of that I am an excellent candidate for osteoporosis and that she wouldn't be surprised at all if I had broken something. She sent me right in for X-rays. She looked at them and said that she did see something and had sent them to Flagstaff for the radiologist to review them also to make sure she wasn't seeing things. I had a good 45 minutes sitting there in horrible pain wondering what it meant if there was something. To keep this long story from being too much longer - she same back in and said that apparently was seeing things and that I was cleared to go and take my pain pills. Having had cancer puts a whole different spin to all sorts of things. Guess I will have to mention this to my oncologists the next time I am in just in case he wants tests done also. My back is much better now, it took just about a week before I could get around easily. It has been a great motivator to get off my butt and start walking.

Three more miles tomorrow!

New York Times - Picture Your Life After Cancer

2010-05-10T21:22:00.000-07:00

The online version of the New York Times has a picture wall with reader's insights of their lives after cancer. I actually ended up with two photos on the wall - see if you can find them.

New York Times - Life After Cancer

I have enjoyed reading the postings from other survivors.

Some random pictures

2010-05-04T22:40:00.001-07:00

Making friends on vacation

Daisy making friends at Best Friends Animal Sanctuary - we were there for Maddie's burial

Daisy looking for more lizards to chase

Winter sunset

Dusting off the walking shoes

2010-03-06T17:58:00.000-08:00

Hi Everyone -

I signed up again for the Arizona Susan G Komen 3 Day Walk for a Cure. And once again I am pounding the pavement looking for donations. Anything you can afford would be very helpful. I know I promised pictures of last year's walk and I plan to have them up this week so keep an eye out for them.

Thanks!

Linda's Personal Page on the 3 Day Web Site

Some Numbers

2009-11-29T17:35:00.000-08:00

I have been writing this blog for close to a year and a half now. I am able to track visitation to the blog - how many are reading it, how long they are on there, how many are new visitors, and where visitors are from.
.
This is my 122 post and of that number 93 were from last year when I was still in treatment. So far as of today I have had 6,895 visits and 1,366 different visitors. Those visitors have come from 40 different countries including; Estonia, Malaysia, Pakistan, Iran, Turkey, and Tunisia. Most of the countries of Europe and the Americas have had at least one visitor. All continents except Antarctica are represented on the list. In the US, I have had visitors from 45 different states. The five states not on the list are New Mexico, Vermont, Mississippi, Alaska, and Hawai'i. The states with the most visits are Utah (Hi Mom!), Michigan (Thanks Aunt Joyce and Aunt Janice!) and Illinois(WooHoo Janet!).

I know most of the visitors are people who know and love me that are checking in to see what I am up to and to see how I am doing. I know others are just starting or are in the middle of their own journey with cancer. Every time I see someone from a new location stop by and stay for awhile my heart goes out to them. Most recently someone from Brazil has been reading through the 122 posts. I don't know if my blog is of any help to anyone but I hope they at least see that while cancer will occupy their lives for awhile, the treatment does end and a new "normal" life starts again. Cancer can go from being the major focus of their life to something that while always there, no longer is the first thing they think of in the morning. The medical bills will finally get paid, your body will start to feel "normal" again, and you will laugh at yourself for being upset at the little things. My thoughts and prayers go out to all of you in the fight.

Daisy is Crazy

2009-11-19T19:27:00.001-08:00

That's it - we are renaming her Marley!

We had Daisy spayed last week and she is supposed to remain calm and not tear open her stitches. They gave us sedatives and we have kept her locked in the kitchen. This is what I came home to today at lunch. Of course Maddie was outside the kitchen egging her on. Dad had used wires from coat hangers to lock the cabinets shut. They did no good against this determined little dog. Sedatives or not she almost tore the doors off of the cabinets. I was hoping she hadn't eaten too much of the pasta and such that she pulled out but she refused to eat her normal dinner tonight so I am guessing that she has a sore tummy. I've used picture hanging wire to tie them shut this time - we will see if she gets passed that. (Don't worry Mom, I saved the coffee maker and put it on top of the fridge. She hasn't figured out a way to get up there yet!)

The First of Many Photos from the 3 Day Walk

2009-11-17T18:21:00.000-08:00

One of my favorite photos

That's me dead center, looking at the camera and waving. I'm in the sunlight and you can see only part of my face.

At the end of the three days of walking everyone walked into Phoenix Stadium for a closing ceremony. I learned on the first day of the walk that the survivors on the walk were to walk in together last behind the other walkers and the crew members. It disturbed me at the time that I would not be walking in with my teammates - Steph and Kristin. We had made the journey together and I thought should finish together. But as I thought about it more, I realized that yes I had made the journey with them, but I had also made a journey that all the other Breast cancer survivors had made also. As survivors we may have not made our cancer journeys together, we did however make the same journey; from hearing the diagnosis to having to tell our friends and family to dealing with the elephant in the room to making treatment decisions that we will never know if they are correct or not to dealing with medical bills to the pain and struggle of treatment to living with the fear that at anytime it can come back and that this time it doesn't go away to deciding that we weren't only going to fight the cancer in ourselves but we are going to join the fight to make a difference and end cancer once and for all for everyone by participating in the walk. I decided that the walk was like my like cancer journey - my friends were with me during the whole journey but in the end it was still a journey by myself. I needed to walk in with the other survivors and show myself to the world as a representative of a survivor. Cancer may not define me but I am one of the many faces of cancer.

It is hard for me to put into words the feeling I had when they had us survivors join together before we walked into the stadium. I have to admit that I have been really struggling with my self esteem since I finished treatment. Let's face it I am not even close to the same person as I was physically or mentally since my diagnosis and I've been embarrassed to have had cancer and have tried to forget about the whole thing. I was really nervous before the walk to face it all again. There were 200 or so survivors on the walk out of 1,800 walkers. When I walked up to the group of survivors and saw the smiles and tears, I was as proud as I have ever been to be a part of such a group of wonderful women. Very few of us knew each other but we all held our head's up high and looked each other in the eye as we hugged and cried and laughed and appreciated each other. We may not have know each other's names but we knew each other's journeys.

I will have quite a few more posts about the 3 Day Walk. We raised over 4 million dollars to fight cancer and end it forever. That is first and foremost the most important part of the walk. For me personally, I learned to say...

"My name is Linda and I am proud to be a breast cancer survivor. I walk because Everyone Deserves a Lifetime."

Greetings from the Arizona 3 Day Walk

2009-11-13T13:50:00.000-08:00

It is day one and this is the most amazing experience. I am back at camp and have shower and set up our tent. I walked ten miles today which is double what I thought I would be able to do. It is easy though with all of the people cheering and walking with my great team. I'm getting a chair massage in a minute and thought I'd do a quick post. I have two blisters on the bottom of my feet and a broken toe nail. And I am of course a bit sore. Lots and lots of walkers - the logistics are amazing (that's the accountant in me!). Lots of pink too!

I'll check back in tomorrow!

I'm Heading Out to Phoenix This Morning

2009-11-12T09:07:00.000-08:00

The 3 Day Walk starts tomorrow morning. We are supposed to be there by 6:30 am. Looks like the weather will be great and I have everything packed that's going to be packed. Thanks again everyone for all of your generous donations and well wishes. I'm very excited that it is finally here and ready for a fun weekend with friends, new and old while contributing to a cause that is very personal for me. I have the camera all ready to go so will have lots of photos to share when I get back on Monday.

Arizona Breast Cancer 3-Day Walk

2009-11-02T18:49:00.000-08:00

Well, the walk is almost here - it is less than two weeks away. It seems like we have been planning for it and raising money forever. I'm starting to get nervous about it - not about the walking - I know I can't do the whole 60 miles but I'm going to do the best I can. I worry about how emotional it may be. I'm doing a great job not making breast cancer the number one topic in my life and this will move it back to the forefront for at least a few days.

A breast cancer survivor is what I am and always will be. Embracing the survivor part of that statement and doing everything I can to make sure that everyone who is diagnosed with breast cancer also gets to embrace their survivorship is what the walk is all about for me.

I was really worried when I signed up for the walk that I would not be able to raise the $2,300 minimum amount they have on donations. I am so excited and grateful to say that I have raised over $6,000. Unbelievable!! Thank you to everyone who donated. Thank you so much. By the time of the walk the three of us in Team Grand Canyon will have collected close to $15,000.

If you are planning on donating there is still time - http://www.the3day.org/site/TR/Walk/ArizonaEvent2009?px=2968049&pg=personal&fr_id=1290

I got good news today

2009-10-02T19:14:00.000-07:00

The bone scan came back clean. The only thing that showed up was my root canal from a couple of weeks ago. My oncologist believes that I probably have arthritis in my hip. I read up on it a little and learned that losing weight can help hip arthritis. So, losing weight sounds like a great plan to me. That and finally having a great night's sleep tonight! Thanks everyone for your prayers - they must have worked. :)

Results Tomorrow

2009-10-01T14:18:00.000-07:00

My bone scan last Friday went well. I showed up at 9am and was given a shot. You would think I would know what they gave me but I didn't ask any questions and barely read up on the procedure online. Who knows maybe I am thinking that if I ignore it then the results will come back clean. Anyway, the tech had trouble finding a vein and asked if I had a port. Who knew I would still need that darn thing. She finally got me after a couple of tries and resulting large bruises. I went to our Flagstaff offices and worked there for a few hours. At noon I went back for the scan. I laid there for 18 minutes or so as the scan was taken. They took a look at the results on the monitor and said they had a good reading so I could leave. My oncologist has had the results since Monday but his nurse says I won't hear anything from him until my appointment tomorrow morning. I've been really busy at work so I haven't had a chance to be a nervous wreck about it. I've tentatively scheduled the hour plus drive to the cancer center as my freak out time. I'm sure it will all come back just fine and I will post on here tomorrow night the good news.

Thanks everyone for all the encouragement and prayers!

Bone Scan Tomorrow

2009-09-24T22:32:00.000-07:00

It is a week earlier than I thought - will be nice to have it over with. I won't hear results until next week. Hope I can get some sleep tonight!

Lots of Doctor's Appointments This Week

2009-09-18T22:04:00.000-07:00

I had a root canal on Monday - no fun but nice to not be in pain any more.

I got to spend some quality time with my surgeon on Wednesday - waited an hour to see him for four minutes. He said I need to see him every six months for four more years and that it was not a request but a requirement.

I had appointments with both oncologists on Friday - and did get a little bit of good news. My radiation oncologist said that it didn't make sense that I was seeing three different doctors for cancer followups so she said I don't have to see her any more if things go well. She did set me up for another mammogram which she wants me to have soon.

The not as good news - I have been having a bit of pain and loss of range of movement in my left hip for over a month. I told my oncologist about it and we decided that I should have a bone scan. One of the most common ways breast cancer will metastasize is in the bones. The hips, sternum, and back seem to be the place the cancer starts in from what I am reading. So, in two weeks I go back to the cancer center for the scan. As he was walking out the door my oncologist said - try not to worry about it too much. Easy for him to say - harder for me to do. One thing I keep thinking about - while I had the tooth abscess this past week or so, I took vicodin and it didn't even make a dent in my hip pain. Is that a bad sign? I know, I know - I will try not to drive myself crazy trying to analyze everything. Hopefully it is all much to do about nothing and for the next two weeks I'll take the doctor's advise and try not to worry about it too much.

Breast Cancer 3 Day Walk

2009-08-27T22:05:00.000-07:00

Thank you so much all of you who have donated. I have a couple of more months before the walk in Arizona and hope to reach my goal of $6,000. I am almost there and it is due to all of you.

I've never been involved with collecting donations for a cause before and I am humbled by all the generosity I have seen from my family and friends.

I have attempted in my own words to describe the horror of being diagnosed with cancer and the torture of the treatment that ensues in this blog. It was one year ago that I started chemotherapy. I remember vividly the pain of that first weekend. I was unable to even get up from my bed for days after the treatment I hurt so badly. I was alone and was as terrified as anyone could ever be. How was I going to survive this? Would it get worse? (It did) What is the reason this is happening to me? Did I make the right treatment choices? Was I going to die? It still takes my breath away and brings me to tears thinking about it. Chemo is a horrible terrible thing. There has to be a better way to beat this horrible disease. I knew that if I made it through my treatments that it had to mean something. All of that pain and effort had to lead to more than me - or at least the pre-cancer me.

I now have a few simple goals. I hope to get better at supporting others going through cancer hell. I try to live every day thinking "any day that's not a chemo day is a great day". I try not to think about it too much but I could have a recurrence at any time and I don't want to be kicking myself for not enjoying the time I have being relatively healthy. There was a quote in the radiation waiting room in the cancer center - "happiness is not a destination, it is a way of travel". I spent many an hour staring at it and contemplating how true that can be. I swore if I made it through all the treatments I would be one happy traveler through life.

My new passion is raising what I can to fight breast cancer and to support breast cancer patients. If you would like to contribute to my walk or learn more about it please click here.

everyone deserves a lifetime

Some photos from my helicopter ride over the canyon with Mom on her birthday

2009-08-26T22:22:00.000-07:00

A Couple of Photos from the North Rim Last Night

2009-08-23T21:05:00.001-07:00

Linda and Felicia on the North Rim veranda

I made a quick trip to the other side of the canyon this weekend to see my dear friends - John , Felicia, and Julia. The sunset was beautiful over the canyon, the meal was yummy, and it was wonderful to see my friends and spend an evening laughing.

Some Photos from the President's Visit to the Grand Canyon

2009-08-16T20:49:00.001-07:00

Air Force One Lands at the Grand Canyon Airport

Start of the motorcade at the airport

Look close - the President is in the picture somewhere

Hey look it's Greg driving the firetruck in the motorcade!!!

Click here for more pictures of Air Force One landing

or here for more pictures of the Grand Canyon presidential visit

Daisy Meets the Neighbors

2009-08-15T15:32:00.000-07:00

Hey It Has Been Awhile

2009-08-13T22:28:00.000-07:00

It has been over a year since I was diagnosed. 7-08-08. I meant to write a "what a difference a year makes" blog on the anniversary but I'm still in a state of denial that the whole cancer thing ever happened. I try not to think about it at all. I started reading some of the posts on this blog and I don't even remember writing some of it. If I do start to think about it I get all wigged out - did that really happen to me? What would my life be like if it never happened? Maybe it didn't really happen and it was all a bad dream? Surely it won't happen again? Right? Can I handle it if it happens again? How would I ever find the strength to walk into the chemo room and sit down in a chair ever again? Please please please never make me lose my hair again. And I don't ever want another of those nights of terror. Or the pain. Or another hated port. How will I ever survive? See - it is just best if I don't think about it at all. I digress down this thought path all to easily.

Here's a great Newsweek article about cancer patients who use humor to fight back.

Physically and mentally I feel better every day. I've still got some chemo side affects that seem to flair up from time to time. I can tell when I am going to have a bout of chemo brain when I start hearing the same song over and over in my head for a day or two. The weird thing about it is - no matter what song it is, it does not bother me. The next sign that chemo brain is starting - I see things out of the corner of my eye that aren't there. Over and over and over. I'll see that my message light is blinking on my office phone - I'll reach for the phone - and then notice it is not blinking - I'll see that my message light is blinking on my office phone - I'll reach for the phone - and then notice it is not blinking - I'll see that the message light............you get the picture. I can some days do that 50 or 60 times. And just like the repeating song in my head, reaching for my phone all day long does not bother me. Then chemo brain will start and I'll forget who people are, or where I parked, or how I got somewhere, or or or. I will also find it hard to think through things - the other day I had a chemo brain episode and I was in tears at the thought of unloading my groceries from the car. It just seemed such a daunting task - I had no idea how I was going to do it and I was in tears about it. I got home, carried the three bags of groceries into the house, put the items away, and almost sank to the floor in relief to have accomplished the task. The worst part of it is that there is a normal part of my brain totally aghast at what is happening. UNLOADING THE CAR IS NOT HARD!! Luckily my chemo brain sessions are getting further and further apart. Oh Oh - I'm hearing the theme from The Office.

Physically I feel pretty good. I seem to still have pain in my joints and numbness in my hands. I'm starting to get out hiking more and loosing the weight I gained in the past year. A year ago I was a tall thin long-haired blond. Now I'm a tall heavy short-haired brunette.

Both of my Grandparents died this spring.

Sales of my photography at http://www.zazzle.com/wanderlinarts have started to take off. I'm averaging a sale a day this last month or so.

I've also been spending most of my computer time writing for examiner.com. I just posted my 100th article. http://www.examiner.com/x-5374-Phoenix-Grand-Canyon-Insights-Examiner

Both dogs are doing well. Puppy has made Maddie young again. It is awesome to see her run again!

The president and first family will be at the Grand Canyon this weekend. Makes for a busy week and weekend. It will be exciting though.

All of my medical bills have been paid as of last week!

Any day that is not a chemo day is a great day-
Linda

Southern Utah Vacation Pictures

2009-04-28T21:22:00.001-07:00

Greg Finds His Muse(s)

Valley of the Goblins

Spooky Slot Canyon

San Juan River Gooseneck

Tower Ruins - here there be rattlesnakes

Cool Double Decker Ruins

More Ruins

Rock Art

Devil's Garden

More Devil's Garden

Breast Cancer 3-Day Walk

2009-03-31T21:05:00.000-07:00

Wow - it's only the beginning of April and I am half way to my mark of $2,300 in donations for the 3-Day Walk in November. Thank you so much all of you who have donated. For those of you interested in helping me reach the last half of my goal just click on the 3-Day picture on the left of this page. Every little bit helps an organization that has been a god send for me.

I've started training for the walk by trying to walk three miles every day either outside on nice days or inside on the treadmill on the not so nice days. I took the puppy, Daisy Mae, this past weekend for the whole three miles and she did great. Unfortunately Maddie is only up for a half mile or so these days.

It is fun though to watch the puppy and Maddie wrestle all the time. They are best buddies. It is great to see Maddie have so much fun and even greater to have the puppy tired out enough that in the evenings they are both sleeping on my feet right now. And they are both snoring which is pretty funny.

My hair is still growing but oh so slowly. I am going to throw a huge party and you are all invited the day I can wear a ponytail again. Now it is just short and sloppy looking. Yes, Mom I am actually thinking about getting it cut so it at least has some shape as it grows out. :)

I know a couple of people now that have had cancer recurrences lately. I must say it has me freaked out. I'm not sure I can do this again. It does remind me to enjoy my good health while I can - things can go downhill fast.

I cry at the drop of a hat these days. Especially when I hear the word cancer. We are running tests on Maddie who might have lymphoma. When the vet first said it was a good possibility that she does have cancer, I could barely hold back the tears. Actually the tests are back but I'm avoiding calling our vet back just yet. I will tomorrow - it's just too hard to know.

My grandfather died a few weeks ago. My heart is broken but it was so nice to reconnect with my Michigan family at the funeral. They are just the nicest bunch and I wish we got to see each other more often. It makes me sad though when I think about my Dad without his Dad. Grandpa was a great man and he will be missed terribly.

I've been slowing down on doing original posts on my Grand Canyon blog. I hope to get a bunch of new ones written up this weekend.

Go State!

We have a new addition to our Grand Canyon home

2009-03-25T02:57:00.001-07:00

I have a new writing assignment!

2009-03-14T12:12:00.001-07:00

As much as I have enjoyed this blog for the last eight months, its not been that easy for me to write. Its been cathartic at times for me to write down my thoughts and feeling and at other times its been a huge struggle. It has been a godsend for me to include my friends and family in treatments and I've been told it has been helpful for others struggling in their own cancer adventure. I've even learned along the way that I enjoy writing. I just don't enjoy writing so much about myself.

Which brings me to my newest writing adventure opportunity. I was recently asked to apply for an online writing position at Examiner.com. Launched in April 2008, Examiner.com serves 60 major markets across the country and is quickly becoming the premier online brand for local information and events. They are a division of the Clarity Media Group, owned by the Anschutz Company, one of the largest media companies in the country which is also the company that owns the company I work for with my day job, Xanterra South Rim LLC. After filling out the lengthy application and using this blog as an example of my writing style, I was chosen as the Phoenix Grand Canyon Insights Examiner. This gives me a great opportunity to write about something I love and not about myself. Not that I don't love myself but you know what I mean.

I've always said that my dream job is to be a travel writer. While I will never make as much $ as being an accountant - it is giving me a chance to spend a part of each week trying out what I have always wanted to do.

Please give me a visit at http://www.examiner.com/x-5374-Phoenix-Grand-Canyon-Insights-Examiner and let me know what you think. (I also get paid by page views so don't be shy!)

Susan G. Komen Breast Cancer 3 Day Walk

2009-03-09T22:29:00.000-07:00

It's official - I've signed up to participate in the walk this next November here in Arizona. Just like it says - it lasts three days and we will be walking 20 miles each of those days for a total of 60 miles. Eight five percent of the proceeds go to Susan G. Komen for the Cure. According to the website every advancement in breast cancer research, treatment, education and prevention in the last 25 years has been touched by a Komen for the Cure grant. The remaining fifteen percent goes to the National Philanthropic Trust Breast Cancer Fund, which provides ongoing support to breast cancer initiatives, so that strides made today can continue to propel us toward the goal of a world without breast cancer. I've agreed to raise at least $2,300 in donations. I know I can raise even more than that, and have set my team's goal at $3,000 per person. Here's the hard part for me I hate asking for $ in today's economy but I would appreciate any help you can give. Would you please consider making a donation of any amount? Keep in mind how far I'm walking - and how hard I'll have to train. You can donate online at http://www.the3day.org/. Just click on Donate Now and search for my personal fundraising page. You can download a donation form and mail it to the address on the form. You can also call 800.996.3DAY to donate over the phone. So, far I have a team of three - we are Team Grand Canyon. If anyone wants to join us on our walk we would love to have you join our team. Just let me know and I'll help you get signed up.

According to Susan G. Komen for the Cure, more than 200,000 American women will be diagnosed with breast cancer this year, and nearly 40,000 will die from the disease. That’s why I’m walking so far. To do something bold about breast cancer. I hope that you'll share this incredible adventure with me by supporting me in my fundraising efforts.

During my breast cancer journey the Susan G. Komen organization was there for me every step of the way. The day I showed up for my first surgery consultation I was given a very informative breast cancer manual printed and paid for by them. They pay for a breast cancer support room at the cancer center. It is filled with all sorts of great helpful items they pay for and give out to patients at no cost. My personal favorite - they provided me with a weekly massage while I was in radiation. It was the most wonderful thing in such a trying time. Even last week I noticed a pink ribbon on the machine as I got my mammogram. Susan G. Komen had helped pay for the state of the art equipment. From personal experience I have seen what a great organization they are and I am proud to be able to participate in one of their big fund raiser events.

Short Hair

2009-03-01T20:26:00.001-08:00

Much Ado About Close to Nothing

2009-02-25T08:45:00.000-08:00

Everything went just swimmingly yesterday. It was almost anticlimactic after all of my nervousness. My radiation oncologist says I am healing well and doesn't want to see me for another six months, my chemo oncologist wrote me a new tamoxifen prescription and doesn't want to see me for three months, and best of all everything looked good with the mammogram! Life is good!

First February Post

2009-02-23T19:16:00.000-08:00

Well I almost made it a month without checking in. I must say I am enjoying not having cancer as the be all and end all for me. I can make it an hour or two without even thinking about it and can go half a day or so without it coming up in conversation. I even have writer's block when it comes to this blog! I just don't have any drama for all of you and find my nice happy life a little boring. :) I find I laugh and smile even more often than I did BBC (before breast cancer). Which really is a nice thing to be able to say. It's a very pleasant side affect for me. I know I keep talking about it but still when something starts to get me down I just have to think about what I've been through to know that any day I am healthy is a day of joy. I hope I can keep that feeling of joy to continue. I've been out playing every weekend with trips to Las Vegas, Tucson, Sedona just in the last three weeks. I don't intend to slow down at all but I do get tired easily still. I am reminded of it all every time I look in the mirror or try to run my fingers through my hair. It's almost been four months since my last chemo treatment (do you believe it's been that long!) and my hair is still less than an inch long. sigh..... Work is going great with all sorts of fun challenges and great co-workers. Maddie is well but slowing down a bit more all the time. I love my life.

Tomorrow though I go back to the cancer center for appointments with both oncologists and my first mammogram since the lumpectomy. 90% of me knows that everything is going to look fine, the lump I can feel under the incision is just scar tissue, and I'll get to say hi to old friends and not go back for another six months. The other 10% of me is darting around my brain bouncing against the walls freaked out that things won't look that fine. I can't even imagine what my reaction will be if I ever hear that the cancer is back and if I let that 10% take over even for a little bit tonight I think I'd be curled up on the bathroom floor crying. Even though I have said I wasn't worried and I've tried every argument I could think of to get him not to - Greg is going with me tomorrow. Do you believe it's still hard for me to accept the support of others? I am so appreciative that he is taking time out of his busy schedule and that I will have him there with me but at the same time I feel bad for causing all this ruckus. Anyway, that's my excitement for the month and I'll post tomorrow night whatever I find out. Good Night!

Checking In

2009-01-29T22:18:00.000-08:00

Sorry I haven't blogged in awhile. I've been trying out my "new" normal life as a cancer survivor without spending too much time being introspective.

Physically I am starting to feel OK. I am getting most of my hair back. I've got about an inch on the top of my head, my eyebrows are back for good and I think my eyelashes are actually coming back in thicker than before. I'm don't have pain anymore and feel like my strength is about back to the "old" normal levels. I do still get really tired at the end of the day and when I push things too far I hit a wall and end up in bed asleep by 8 or so. Each day though I get more of my energy back.

Mentally I still struggle now and then with conversation - finding the words to convey what I am trying to say is very frustrating to me. I have become a stutterer. I've also started this annoying habit of biting my lower lip when I need a few moments to come up a correct response in a conversation. Making simple decisions can also stymie me. I am sure I can be very frustrating to those around me when I can't even make the simple decision of what I want to drink. It's hard to explain but it's like my brain shuts down when I am given a few different choices. And I still blank out every once in awhile and find myself sitting or standing in mid-motion with no idea how long I've been there like that. It just happened this evening. I "awoke" to find myself standing in my hallway with no idea how I got there or which way I was going or what I had been doing. Very odd. Oh and then trying to remember things drives me crazy. I have to take my pill every night. And every night I go to take my pill and I make a mental note that I am taking the pill and then ten minutes later I can remember meaning to take the pill, I can remember making a mental note of taking the pill but I can't for the life of me remember actually taking the pill. It drives me crazy. It is so stinkin annoying - and it happens every single night! I bet there are nights I end up taking two or three pills. Geesh! I like to think that I've become good at acting like I am "normal" to those who are around me when I have these little mental breakdowns but I worry that I don't do a very good job of it.

It's hard for me to believe it's only been three weeks since I got out of treatment - mentally it feels like months and months. I try not to think about cancer all the time and have been so busy both on and off work that it hasn't been too hard. For the first time since I started this blog I went back and read a couple of my posts from last August and September. Wow - it kind of brought back how hard it was and I had to quit reading. Plus all of the typos were driving me nuts. :)

I went back to the hospital this week to pick up a prescription. I ended up sobbing for 15 minutes in the parking lot. Being there brought all the memories of the past seven months back and I then let a bit of worry for the future sneak into my fore thoughts. I remembered the "it is cancer" phone call in all it's gut wrenching glory and then imagined how much worse it will be if I ever get the same call again. I try to never let myself think "if" but that morning the "if" snuck up on me. The thought of hearing that diagnosis again knowing what I know now about cancer "treatments" took my breath away. So mentally I obviously have a few things to work through. Hopefully it's nothing a few good hikes and weekends out exploring won't cure!

Random Pictures

2009-01-14T19:22:00.001-08:00

Lots of snow on my BBQ

The Vortex growing on my head
Radioactive Sign on my desk - it brought some levity and laughter to the office when most people didn't know what to say or how to act.

Radiation Room - notice hot air balloon picture on the ceiling lights in the upper left corner of the picture. The chemo room had a picture of blue sky and clouds. At least they try to make the cancer center pretty and relaxing.

It is official - I passed cancer!

Chemo 4 Surgeries 3 Radiation 33 Linda Won!

2009-01-06T21:09:00.000-08:00

It is finished. It's been almost six months to the day that I was diagnosed back in early July. It seems like it was just yesterday but feels like it's been my entire life. Dad and Mom both came with me this morning. It was the worst driving conditions for Dad today of the whole ordeal with lots of snow and ice. I don't think he is going to miss the three hour commute we had each day. I know I never would have been able to do what I have done without him and Mom taking care of me. And I am really going to miss them. The staff was great at the cancer center with everyone coming around to congratulate me. They gave me a certificate that everyone signed, a book on what's next for me as a cancer survivor who has finished treatment, and an african violet. I don't have to go back until February 10th for meetings with each of my oncologists. In all I missed four days of work for surgeries, four days for chemo treatment days, four days from chemo pain, and a couple of half days from radiation fatigue.

A lot has happened in my life in the past six months. Not all of it cancer related - believe it or not. I've gained a wonderful relationship with someone who is smarter than me if can you believe that :), started a fun challenging new job, moved into a comfy house with the perfect back yard, have four new scars, gained a huge appreciation for health care workers, explored some beautiful areas of Arizona and Utah, for the first time ever I used up all of my sick days at work, moved away from friends that I still miss terribly every single day, lost all of the hair on my body, look ten years older, felt more physical pain than I thought I could bear, heard some great new songs with lyrics that seemed written for me("December never felt so wrong"), learned that no matter how badly I felt for myself there are so many out there with much bigger struggles, first saw Charlie and Candy Mountain, went from the scared new girl to the wizened old timer in the radiation waiting room, brought home hundreds of cards of support from the post office, reaffirmed what a fantastically supportive family I am blessed to have, wrote checks for thousands of dollars, was bamboozled, made new friends (thanks chemo angels Linda and Cindy!), hated every single stinkin' second of being bald, gained weight, then lost some of the gained weight, learned way more than I ever dreamed about breast cancer, read lots of books, wrote lots of long wordy blogs like this one, felt pretty good about myself and all that I have and will accomplish, was blown away by all the support I received, gained an appreciation for every day that is not a chemo day, learned to wear hats, kept ignoring the elephant, and learned for a fact that laughter really is the best medicine.

I was going to quit writing this blog in the next few days. I have even decided the opening and ending lines of the final blog. But I've got a few more pictures to post and a few more thoughts about cancer rattling around in my head. So, I think you are stuck with me for a little while longer anyway.

Guest Blog

2009-01-05T22:03:00.000-08:00

I’ll never forget the day Linda smiled and told me “I have cancer.”

Day to day, it’s so easy to lose track of what’s important. We’re all guilty of it, it’s so easy to be distracted. You have to go to work, bills have to be paid, food has to be put on the table. Every once in a while, you’re reminded what’s really important in life.

I’m moved by the strength that Linda has had through her ordeal. Through everything, Linda has been fighting back with a smile and her sense of humor; I know she’s felt terrible, but her smile and attitude is her armor. I admire that.

We all want to know what we can do to help…probably not much I suppose, other than being there (which unfortunately, we can’t always do). That’s frustrating for all of us, but we’re happy for what Linda’s family has done to help.

Now, several months later, with one treatment left, Linda is still smiling. I’m so happy to be here with her as she closes this chapter in her life. :)

-Greg

Happy New Year!

2009-01-01T07:04:00.000-08:00

May all of you have an incredibly wonderful, adventurous, and happy new year!

Guest Blog

2008-12-29T21:32:00.000-08:00

Good can come from the bad. We have so enjoyed our trips to the Grand Canyon and to Linda's house. The scenery is beautiful, the people are so nice, and spending time with Linda and Madison has been special. The preventive treatments are hard to endure for Linda, and for us to watch, but the good news was that the no cancer was found outside the tumor. The hard part is wondering what might show up in the future and when, or if. Many of us live with this fear but we trust in God and live our lives the best we can for the years we have left. Linda's grandfather went through a difficult time with cancer 28 years ago and is still doing well. We look forward to our trip to Linda's today and to the last trip for cancer treatment next week. We have so enjoyed the area and all that it has to offer. We will be back often!

Linda's Dad

The End is Tantalizingly Close

2008-12-27T21:28:00.000-08:00

Only six more radiation treatments left. Six. 1,2,3,4,5,SIX! That seems like nothing compared to thirty-three. In November, thirty-three just seemed to be so insurmountable. I couldn’t even imagine making it to the end of thirty-three. Six seems so doable. When I reach out to six, it is right there at the end of my finger tips. Tantalizingly close. But as much as I stretch for it, still out of reach. Six should feel like a number I could do in my sleep with both hands and a foot tied behind my back. But when I start to think that this adventure might be over, six seems huge. Huge mentally. I want to be excited to be finished but I almost don’t want to jinx it. I don’t want to assume that I can finally go back to being Linda and then find out she’s not at all able to come back yet or not at all. I want “normal" not a “new normal”. I wish I could write all sorts of triumphant blogs; “what I learned from cancer”, "what’s next for Linda - a vacation!”, “I didn’t get an A but at least I didn’t fail cancer”, “I am grateful to all my friends and family for being there with me”, etc. I should be able to spend the next month writing happy future facing blogs. But instead every time I think about finishing my cancer treatment I mentally freeze up and physically start holding my breath. I’d like to say that I don’t start to wonder if maybe I’m not done forever or that I don’t worry that maybe I didn’t make the best treatment decisions. But I do. Not much but I do worry. I worry about all sorts of things but mostly I worry about my health in the future. If I have a recurrence and have to go through this again it is a whole new ballgame. Will I have the strength to do it all again? No idea. Seriously – none. I still can’t believe I walked back into that chemo room three more times after I knew what was going to happen. Yeah – just now took my breath away just thinking about it. I just so want this done – wholly totally utterly outright entirely finally absolutely forever done. So, I’ll be sitting here holding my breath for the next week and a half. Six. Such a little number.

Merry Christmas from the Grand Canyon

2008-12-25T19:08:00.000-08:00

It was cold, windy, snowy, and cloudy this morning at the canyon. We stopped to look over the edge not really expecting to see much. Instead we got the perfect Christmas morning present - a sight I will not forget. The clouds had opened up just enough to let through the light of the sunrise into the depths of the canyon. The eastern facing walls all covered in snow were lit up beautifully through the waves of snow clouds moving through. I've seen a lot of fantastic scenery in my life but this was as magical as anything I have ever seen. We stood there with the wind at our backs and just enjoyed the feeling of the moment until the clouds moved back across the sun and the light started to fade.

I hope that you and yours were also able to feel the magic of Christmas this fine day.

Only 8 Treaments Left

2008-12-22T21:08:00.001-08:00

I have two more this week, four the week of New Years, and the final two the first week of January. I'm starting to get burns and even some blisters. It hurts but it is no chemo. They had me buy some aquaphor to put on it as much as I can. I've also started to get nauseous. I'm not sure what is causing it. I'll have to look up radiation side affects again. Not that it matters. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel now so there's nothing I can't handle.

I'm back home at the canyon. The snow continues but so far we have missed it by going early for treatment today and hopefully going later will work tomorrow. Then I just have to worry about Wednesday morning then it's three days of radiation free joyness.

My hair is starting to come back. It's really short and very dark right now. The top is thicker than the sides. And I have a big swirling vortex all across the back of my head. My favorite niece has asked that I post a picture of my new hair so I'll try to get one in the next few days. I'm just excited that in the next month or so I'll go from looking sickly to just looking like I made a poor hair style choice.

I had a great weekend exploring the area more and taking pictures on Saturday. I would have a great story but apparently what happens at Black Bart's RV Park and Dinner Musical Revue stays at Black Bart's RV Park and Dinner Musical Revue! Sunday I had radiation in the morning and then an afternoon of sledding. We were the oldest people there but the youngest at heart. We showed those young whippersnappers a few moves. My face hurt this morning from laughing so hard.

I'm 42 and Bald - but it sure as heck beats the alternative

2008-12-18T18:58:00.001-08:00

Birthday Flowers

I've been staying in Flagstaff all week due to the recent snow fall. It wasn't the return to the canyon that made me nervous it was getting back to Flag the next day. There was no way I was going to miss having the port taken out. So, here's the snow on the car on Tuesday morning. It has pretty much snowed constantly ever since. I've scraped this much and more off the car each day. It's been fun! Plus I have the world's best boss so I was able to work most of the week out of our offices here.
Everything you need for a successful port extraction. It took only around ten minutes and in the doctor's office. Much easier than when it went in.
The port coming out. I photoshopped out the blood and gore for the squeamish. It was much bigger than I thought. I'm trying to decide what to do with it. A necklace, bracelet, broach? It is sooo nice to stretch my neck out again!

Happy Birthday To Me!

2008-12-17T19:07:00.001-08:00

I got the present I asked for - the port is out. It only took ten minutes and wasn't half as gross as I thought it would be. It did hurt though. And best of all they let me keep it! I didn't even get a chance to ask - they offered it first. I think they were surprised when I said yes. It's much bigger than I thought. I'll post pics soon. Anyway, it's nice to be able to stretch my neck again! And my birthday isn't actually until tomorrow so my present was early.

The Promised Weekend Photos

2008-12-15T19:59:00.001-08:00

Upper Antelope Canyon

Upper Antelope Again
Cancer Girl Surfs The Wave
The Truck Is Over There Somewhere
(Waterholes Canyon,we started out in the canyon and climbed out to hike on top back to the vehicle)

Chemo Stripes

(and canyon dryness/chips)

Owl Pellet

(cool, huh? We got to see the owl also!)

Tiny Skull

(a little over an inch long, I know I know lots of bone pics but I can't resist and

at least I'm not including the one of the cow hoof)

Sand and Small Rocks(we saw lots and lots of this)

Weekends Away From Cancer

2008-12-14T22:23:00.000-08:00

I can say one thing for radiation - so far other than being inconvenient - it has not affected how I feel physically. On weekends when I don't have to visit my Northern Arizona Cancer Center friends I can actually have a life away from cancer. Unlike that horrible time during chemo. So, for the past two weekends I've left the village and the cancer behind. Last weekend I was in Greer for a friend's birthday party. It was full of friends, laughter, good food, games and lots of fun. This weekend was in Page and included but was not limited to - hiking, exploring, sunshine, even more laughter, a flock of bluebirds, a random balloon, a lack of restrooms, some of the most beautiful scenery in the world, music, quail, owl poop, wind, more laughing....heck, I was even bamboozled - TWICE! Trust me that doesn't happen very often - it was kind of fun. There was a time during chemo I couldn't even dream of ever again getting out and hiking and playing and laughing like I did this weekend. There is life after a cancer diagnosis - and I'm learning fast it's all what you make of it. I'll post some pictures tomorrow.

Thanks My Friend. And I still have to go with Star Trek. :)

Have I Mentioned Lately How Much I Hate Having Cancer?

2008-12-09T18:59:00.000-08:00

It's been over five months since I was diagnosed and the treatments are never ending. I keep saying that I don't want to be "cancer girl" but even I am starting to define myself that way in my mind. I know I just have to hang on and that it will be over in less than a month but those 18 treatments that are left just seem daunting. And then what? I'll still have to wait years to get my long hair back, who knows what side effects I'll have in the long term, and heaven forbid there's a recurrance. sigh........ I think I'm just being melancholy tonight and starting to feel tired from the radiation treatments. I wish this had never happened to me but since it has I'm trying to deal with it as best as I can but sometimes it's hard. I just want to be OK.

Guest Blog

2008-12-04T21:08:00.000-08:00

Is it really possible to feel more in the loop when you aren’t with Linda, than when you are with her? I’ve been home for a couple of weeks but was previously with Linda for almost 2 full weeks. I was working while I was there but we had lunch everyday and spent every evening together. As Linda’s blog mentioned, there was talking, eating, movies, laughing, etc. and I didn’t read the blog the entire time I was there…why would I need to since I was there!?!? But when I got home I caught up. I love reading the blog so much that I didn’t want to miss anything…even the stuff I was there for. And strangely enough I learned things I didn’t know while I was there.

I remember going to the Salt Lake Olympics in 2002. It was a phenomenal experience I’d do again in a heartbeat. However, I found this one very interesting occurrence. While you are at the Olympics you barely know what’s going on in the Olympics. I knew about the 1 event I attended each day but there were dozens more I knew nothing about…I didn’t even know they were happening. At home you get all the highlights but at the Olympics I went to medal ceremony and kept saying “that even was today” or “I didn’t know the US swept that event.”

After getting home and catching up on Linda’s blog, I thought about my Olympics experience. I was there yet I was missing out. Maybe we were having too much fun to talk about the less fun cancer stuff. Time loss, always thinking its Tuesday…no clue. Not wanting to go to her tattooing alone…9pm the night before Linda mentioned it, I think by accident though. Coyotes howling…ok, maybe I just sleep through a lot more than Linda can but I had no idea. Of course, I can’t even figure out when Linda had time to write the blog while I was there…maybe it was while I slept through the coyotes and they kept Linda up.

Well, just like the Olympics, I wouldn’t trade my 2 weeks staying with Linda for anything. OK, maybe the work part but not the fun, hanging out with my friend I’ve never spent 2 straight weeks with. How often does work give you a chance to spend 2 weeks with a friend, conveniently stay at their house, and do it between chemo and radiation!! Next time I’ll just remember to keep reading the blog! :)

Linda’s Friend

Eleven Down - Only Twenty Three To Go!

2008-12-03T21:39:00.000-08:00

The massage was a nice treat today. It's been a long time since I felt that good - physically anyway.

I'm starting to show some redness. Sort of like a light sunburn. They gave me some directions for pain and/or itchiness. So far it doesn't bother me at all. It's strange to see the difference in skin color. The radiation is just like an X-ray. I can neither see nor feel anything while it's happening. I guess now I know it's actually doing something. I can see now why everyone else leaves the room while they zap me. Everyone seemed happy to see me today - guess I should have been nice to them sooner!

All I want for Christmas is my port taken out - and I made the appointment. December 17th is the day. I hope they let me keep it!

Just throwing in a picture I took in Arches National Park a couple of years ago. No reason other that it's a nice winter shot.

A Moment of Clarity

2008-12-02T20:55:00.000-08:00

For some reason I could not sleep at all last night. I finally drifted off around 6:30am. No idea what that was about but I had a lot of time to think. I realized I've been a complete idiot about radiation. I'm mentally fighting the treatment and not the disease. I've been angry towards the wrong things and I've taken it out on the nice people at the Cancer Center. I walk in each day, change clothes, sit in the waiting room waiting to be called, I lay down, they zap me, I change clothes and leave. I am not nice to anyone, I answer all questions with one syllables, I don't smile, I angrily tap my foot if I have to wait more than a couple of seconds, I lay there stiffly hating every second of it as I get radiated, and I fume the whole way home. They must think I am naturally a negative person. Then it hit me last night as I lay there thinking about what the heck I am going to do if it comes back. Radiation is my friend. I should be thinking postive healing thoughts while I am undergoing treatment. Plus the folks there do not deserve my attitude in the least. Today I walked in trying to be happier. Right away I noticed a difference. The receptionist who usually doesn't even look up when I walk in was waiting for me. "There you are - I was looking for you." Oh Oh I thought - she's looking for money. Nope - she asked f I wanted to sign up for an hour massage tomorrow. Of course I would. I asked how much it would cost and she said they were free for patients - the Susan G. Komen Foundation pays for them. Sweet - I like this place better already I thought. Then I grabbed a couple of Oreos from the goody box. Before I had a chance to even eat one they called my name. Early even! I have been wanting to ask them if I can come in early this Friday since I am going out of town for the weekend and I have a friend to pick up at the airport that morning. But I have been kind of nervous to ask since they have not been open to my change request before. First thing they say today though is that they would like it if I could come in early on Friday. Great timing! Then for he first time I watched the machine and imagined all those cancer cells being burned to death. I even played with the beams of light on my hand afterwards and got teased by the radiologists for goofing off. I actually enjoyed my short visit today and had my Oreos on the way home. I bet Dad even enjoyed having some conversation on the trip there and back. Instead of my brooding. Tomorrow I go an hour earlier for my massage! I might even smile this time.

Funny Note - as we were walking into the center there was another lady walking in at the same time. She was on oxygen, had one foot in a cast, was all bent over, looked 90 years old until you got close and saw she was probably late 40s, was really struggling with each step. She looked one step from death's door and I felt bad for her. Then as I was walking past she turned to her companion and loudly whispered while pointing at me - "at least my hair didn't fall out".

My hair is kind of starting to grow in but very strangely. There is the last of the old hair which never really fell out and that's growing in very dark and wiry. Then there's the new stuff that is like a very pale red and is very thin like baby hair. The combination is very interesting to touch so I find myself rubbing my head more than usual.

Sedona Sunday

2008-12-01T19:20:00.000-08:00

We explored in Sedona this weekend. Lots of pretty scenery and laughs. I actually did a couple of hikes. They were short but one included hiking on boulders. I did better than I thought. I got tired but my legs held up just fine. Highlight of the day - we saw javelinas! It's been a long long time since I've seen a wild animal I haven't seen before. It was really cool.

Oh Shoot!

2008-11-29T23:14:00.000-08:00

Remember those eyebrows that I mentioned were starting to grow back in? Yeah - well, they all fell out again. They even took with them the few hairs that had been hanging around. Sigh - chemo, the gift that just keeps on giving. It sure does a number on one's body. It's almost been five weeks since the last "treatment" I would have thought I'd have more hair than this! If you haven't seen me since July you probably wouldn't recognize me. I even ran into an old co-worker and had to reintroduce myself. I was looking in the mirror today - something I have avoided the last few months - I look like the bad guy in the movies - part Lex Luther, part Borg Queen, part Gollum. Oh and I got called a guy the other day - what really stinks about it is I was wearing a skirt! It's annoying that I am finally starting to feel normal but I still look very sickly. I think I'll go out and play tomorrow and at least get some color on that pasty white scalp.

Other Cancer Blogs

2008-11-28T20:49:00.000-08:00

I have no idea why it helps to read other people's experiences with cancer but it does for me. I guess maybe it's knowing that I'm in good company and am definitely not alone in what is happening to my body and mind (and hair) that comforts me. I added a new blog on My Favorite Blogs List on the left side of this page. It's called "...Lace Up Your Gloves..." I saw one of Jen's posts on the YSC board and have spent the last couple of hours reading her blog. Jen is amazing - if you have a chance read about her journey and watch her video about why she participates in the Arizona Breast Cancer 3 Day walk. It's a 60 mile fundraising walk benefiting Susan G. Komen for the Cure. It looks like it is in November next year. I hate fund raising but I love to walk. I've requested a brochure. I'll read it over - maybe I'll give it a try next year. www.the3day.org

Happy Thanksgiving Everyone!

2008-11-27T20:47:00.000-08:00

Some great quotes that were sent to me or that I have read on some of the breast cancer support boards.

"We delight in the beauty of the butterfly but rarely admit the changes it has gone through to achieve that beauty" Maya Angelou.I have heard there are troubles of more than one kind.

Some come from ahead and some come from behind.

But I've bought a big bat. I'm all ready you see.

Now my troubles are going to have troubles with me!~Dr. Seuss

We participants in the front lines of the "Cancer Wars" are just ordinary men and women drafted without our consent into this service. We need not be victims. We can turn this experience to ultimate good in service to others. The choice is ours.Gerald W. White, P.E., in Cancer Wars Maars Journey on the cancer healing power of visualisation, prayer and the mind

Courage is being scared to death, but saddling up anyways..- John Wayne

She didn't just survive; she became.
--unknown

"Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind" Dr. Seuss.Frodo: I wish the ring had never come to me. I wish none of this had happened.

Gandalf: So do all who live to see such times. But that is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us.

.
"Courage is grace under pressure."Ernest Hemingway.

"My barn having burned to the ground, I can now see the moon." -Japanese proverb

"What lies behind us,and what lies before us,are tiny matters compared to what lies within us."--Emerson

"The Mountains are calling and I must go." --John Muir

"Feed your faith (spirit) and your fears will starve to death." --Author Unknown

" Keep your face to the sunshine and you cannot see the shadow. "Helen Keller

Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the little voice at the end of the day that says I'll try again tomorrow. ~Mary Anne Radmacher.
I wanted you to see what real courage is, instead of getting the idea that courage is a man with a gun in his hand. It's when you know you're licked before you begin but you begin anyway and you see it through no matter what. You rarely win, but sometimes you do. ~Harper Lee, To Kill a Mockingbird.
“Promise me you'll always remember: You're braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think." Christopher Robin to Pooh.
" It's snowing still," said Eeyore gloomily. "So it is." "And freezing." "Is it?" "Yes," said Eeyore. "However," he said, brightening up a little, "we haven't had an earthquake lately.”
.
A friend is someone who knows the song in your heart and can sing it back to you when you have forgotten the words..True friendship isn't about being there when it's convenient; it's about being there when it's not.."Are you upset little friend? Have you been lying awake worrying? Well, don't worry...I'm here. The flood waters will recede, the famine will end, the sun will shine tomorrow, and I will always be here to take care of you." -Charlie Brown to Snoopy

You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You must do the thing which you think you cannot do. =Eleanor Roosevelt

"Given the choice between the experience of pain and nothing, I would choose pain”
William Faulkner

Eight Down - Only Twenty Five Treatments to Go

2008-11-26T20:28:00.000-08:00

I'd like to say the time is going past quickly but I can't. It seems that just as soon as something important is happening at work I have to jump in my car and leave for three and a half hours. The days are also longer when I have to add those three and a half hours onto the end of the work day. I work, I drive to town, and I sleep with ten minutes at the cancer center in the middle of it all. Time has to be going by slowly for Dad also. At least I can sleep during the drive. I offer to drive but every day he declines my offer and by the time we hit the park boundary I have my eyes closed and am probably snoring. I wouldn't be able to have the treatments and work full time without him. i would be too exhausted.

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving. I have a huge list of things for which I am thankful. My friends and family are at the top of that list. Thanks everyone!

Blog info I found interesting. I've had visitors to this blog from 37 different states and 18 different countries. I've had 3,591 visits by 570 unique visitors. That's a lot of folks reading my late night ramblings. Thanks for visiting! I'll try not to let it make me nervous. ;)

A Beautiful Arizona Weekend

2008-11-23T20:58:00.000-08:00

The weather here has just been perfect. I finally got out and played again this weekend. We went exploring south of Williams. I was reminded how out of shape I was on a mile and a half hike but I am already working on fixing that. This is a petroglyph we saw on the hike.

Radiation takes 9 minutes from car to car. I had a treatment today - Sunday - so we can all have a four day weekend over Thanksgiving. I have to work most of that time but it will be nice not to make the drive every day.

Not much else going on - unless you watched 24:Redemption tonight. Then we have all sorts of things to talk about. Like Tony Almeida is alive?!?! And how it's always nice to see Jack again. It's reassuring to see what a great shot he is compared to the bad guys. Plus am I right in hearing that Janeane Garofalo is going to be on Season 7? Yep - I'm coming back to life just in time for the next season of 24. I think college basketball is starting now also! It's good to be back. And I've given up on being angry. I'm just excited to get this radiation thing done and over with and I'm looking forward to moving on.

I'm Angry

2008-11-20T20:50:00.000-08:00

I've moved on to a new emotional stage in my cancer adventure. As you know I started out with shock and numbness, I then moved onto complete denial (I still have partial denial). Then during chemo I was just too miserable to even care. Now I've moved onto anger. I'm try to make angry eyes right now to show you my anger but it's hard to do without any eyebrows. I've only been to three radiation treatments so far and I think they hate seeing me coming. Yep - that's right I never knew this but apparently when I am angry I tend to take it out on others. I wish that at least someone deserves it but everyone at the cancer center is being so great (darn them!) Anger is a new emotional state for me. Yeah - I'm still really angry at the stupid University of Michigan for winning the NCAA basketball tourney in 1989, smoke starts coming out of my ears even thinking about it, but in general I am not at all an angry person. Until now. I'm angry I had to get cancer when I live so far from town. I'm angry that I've added four tattoos to my four scars. I'm angry I'm still bald. I'm angry that I've lived here since July and I have not been below the rim once yet. I'm angry that this feels like someone else's body. I'm really angry at my insurance company but that's a blog for another day. I'm angry that I have no control of my life right now. I'm angry at myself for being so unhealthy with my eating habits. I'm angry that an unforeseen project at work is making me work more hours than I should (can). I'm angry at myself for being angry - I have so many blessings and here I am being angry at the world (heck I had surprise champange show up in the mail today, how awesome is that?). I'm angry that in the past four and a half months I look like I've aged ten years. I'm especially angry that after four and a half months of "treatment" - there is still no end in sight. Right now I may not be failing cancer but I am getting a C-. I think I know a sister that owes me a butt kicking and not a lollipop. AARRGGGHHHH!!

One Down - Thirty Two To Go

2008-11-18T17:44:00.001-08:00

Yeah, I'm already over the drive. Any way you look at it radiation will take three and a half hours every day. I was really cranky having to leave work today. There is just too much to do and I'm way too busy for this. Who knew cancer took so much time?! Anyway, once I got there it only took a half an hour or so. Most days though it will take less than ten minutes. This time they had to take a few more X-rays and pictures. They also drew a great big square on me. He said I could wash it off so no idea what they was all about. Interesting note - when I am laying on the table they put a big rubber band on my feet to hold them together. That's the worst part of the whole procedure. We then worked on my radiation schedule. Apparently they are really busy right now (something in the water?) so I didn't get much say in my times. Right now I am booked for 1:45pm every day. Which I will make work. I was just hoping to stay in town at least once a week to avoid a bit of the drive. They said I should ask again later this week and see if we can change Mondays and Tuesdays. As much as I hate it admit it - this was just the last straw. I struggle with this whole feeling of having no control and when I met with the social worker I cried. I didn't cry much but enough that she handed me some tissues. It's been awhile since I've cried over this situation so I guess it needed to get out. I'm just so frustrated. Oh well - it's just one more step in the process. Radiation will be over before I know it and let's face it - IT'S NO CHEMO! Plus now that I have my schedule I can make an appointment to have my port out - that will be a great milestone. And my parents are here so I have someone to drive with. I had a nice nap today on the way there with my Dad driving. I kind of feel bad for them this trip. All of the other trips here they have had to house to themselves as I was either at work or in bed. Now I'm up and around and I'm in my chair where Dad usually is, I'm watching Prison Break instead of the news shows they usually watch in the evening, and I tend to sometimes be messy. Dad's already napping and I heard them earlier wondering what happened in the world today. Oh well - at least this time I have the energy to help with doing the dishes and I now contribute to conversations and I made dessert tonight. I might not be the best company for them but I'm not the worst.

Back to Being A Member of Society

2008-11-16T22:05:00.000-08:00

I'm back to interacting with the world rather than glimpsing it through my bedroom window. I'd say I'm feeling 95% of normal - give or take being in horrible shape and getting winded just walking a block or so. I must say I am delighted to be back. I'm not sure the world missed me or even noticed I was gone for the past four and a half months but I sure missed it. Remember the sushi dinner with friends I was looking forward to? I've had two of those now and they were worth the wait. I've had a friend staying here for the past two weeks and it was great for me. We went out, we had friends here, we stayed up late, we talked and talked and talked, we watched movies, we ate lots of cheese (mmmm cheeeeese), and best of all there was lots of laughter. Ah - to be normal again! Phoenix this weekend was a nice break too. I've never lived in a city unless you count Champaign or Toledo. I practically twist my neck out of shape looking around at things and people watching. We got pedicures. I even agreed to having flowers put on my big toes. It has been forever since I've felt even close to girlie so I am smiling at my flowered red sparkly toes right now. I've got all sorts of new hairs growing in on my head. They look pretty dark but that's OK. I've glimpsed one pretty light one sticking up on the top so there might be some grey coming in. The old Linda would have probably plucked it but at least for now every hair is sacred! Another chemo strange thing - my fingernails have four white stripes across them - one for each treatment. Odd. Oh - and I've got a few eyebrows coming in also. I was watching a Travel Channel show on the southwest tonight. Man are there some great places in this area to explore - not to mention the big ditch in my backyard. I can't wait until January to get started. I think that's about it for random thoughts for tonight. It's nice to be back - back home and back to Linda.

Finally - I Am The Wild Rebellious Sister!

2008-11-14T22:10:00.001-08:00

I now have FOUR tattoos - that's three more than both of my sisters combined!

Radiation Simulation Day is over. I got there at the appointed hour and to get to the radiation waiting room I had to pass the chemo room. I didn't want to look into it and bring back bad memories but then I had to when I heard the noises that were coming from it. It sounded and looked like a party was going on in there. All of the chairs were full with people that actually looked healthy - there was a movie playing on the big screen TV and there was talking and laughter. I get homeless looking chronic coughing guys with me on Tuesdays (and they were very nice to me). No one told me that the cool kids get chemo on Fridays. It almost made me wish I was in there with them. HA - just kidding. I skipped past the room glad it wasn't me and wishing all of them the best.

I met with my radiation oncologist next. She had all sorts of good news for me. First of all instead of the 30 sessions I was planning on which would get me finished right at the end of the year. (Thereby I would avoid having to pay my deductible and co-insurance payments in the new year plus to top it off my company is changing insurance companies at the end of the year.) I will instead have 33 sessions. 33?! Who comes up with this stuff. Anyway, no matter how I try to count the days I won't be finished in 2008. Secondly she told me that I can't take baths during treatment. Oh heck - that one hurt. I do love a good bath. Then to top it off she tells me that they not only aren't open on Thanksgiving or Christmas, they aren't open on those Fridays. Which you wouldn't think was so bad but instead they are open the Sunday before. Which means I can't go to California on December 20th for my friend's Christmas party. And I was really looking forward to going to it and seeing the ocean and having some laughs with them and their great friends. Did I mention the great food and drinks?! And then there were all the fun side affects of radiation - such things as cracked ribs, lung problems, skin cancer. I signed another release to let them hurt me to save me and she sent me for the simulation.

I was shown the radiation dressing room which has robes and lockers. I'll start here each day and change into a smock and a robe. I was told I would then go sit in the waiting room. I will not need to check in with anyone since there is a camera in the room and they can see that I am there and will come get me when they are ready. That explains the picture they took of me way back in August when I had my first appointment. I look a bit different now so I hope they recognize me and I don't spend hours there waiting every day.

It was then on to the simulation. They laid me down on a table and took a CT scan. I wasn't allowed to move but it didn't take long at all as they sent me through a machine that looked like a large very expensive donut with all sorts of cool red lights. I then got to stay laying there in a freezing cold room as the oncologist decided where I needed to be marked with my tattoos. They didn't hurt too much except for the one right on my sternum. That one really stung. But now that I have been through chemo there is nothing they can do to me that hurts ever again.

We (me and the folks that just tattooed me) tried to figure out my daily schedule. I hope to go late on Mondays, spend the night in Flagstaff, and then early on Tuesday. Then I will go mid-day Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday. I figure it is the warmest part of the day and if there is snow the plows will have already been around plus i avoid driving in the dark. Right now I start next Tuesday at 3pm and then we will figure out my schedule for the rest of the time. When I told the oncologist my plan she thought it was a bit too ambitious and thinks I'll end up staying more nights to avoid all the driving (3 hours round trip). She said I could try my way if I was open to adapting the schedule if I got too fatigued as we went along.

I then was sent over to the main hospital for a blood draw and a pregnancy test. I was sitting in the waiting room wearing my tan hat when a young bald kid around 9 years old came in with his mother. I took my hat off and he cracked up at my bald head. We bonded over how silly we looked and how much chemo sucks. His Mom later told me that he had been in the hospital for awhile now and that his prognosis wasn't very good. Sorry - I have nothing on David, he's the brave/strong/positive/inspiring one in this story. In his shoes I would be a crying wreck but he is up walking around in his rocket ship PJs and laughing with the funny looking bald lady and making her day. What a great kid.

Finally I got a nurse who could find one of my veins on the first try. She asked if a student could try to get the blood first. I used my new mantra - I've been through chemo, nothing you do can hurt me now - of course he can try. He felt all over the place for a vein and couldn't feel one. He gave up on me. I told him to try anyway but he just shook his head, he let the expert stick me with the needle. Even she asked if she could try the other arm to see if there was anything better. I told her there was but she could not use it. Just my luck I get breast cancer on the side with my "good" veins.

I then returned for a few hours at work. And now it's the weekend! I'm going to Phoenix tomorrow night to hang out with a couple of friends. I haven't been down there since I moved to Arizona so am looking forward to that and a nice "normal" weekend! I hope all of you also have nice normal weekends.

What Time Is It?

2008-11-13T21:15:00.000-08:00

Seriously - because I have no idea. I have lost all sense of time. During the day at any given time I can't tell you if it's morning or afternoon without having to think about it or look at a clock. For some reason every day is Tuesday to me. I keep dating things as 2006. And the worst surprise of all is that this is November. At least ten times a day I look at the calendar and am shocked to see it on November. Every. Single. Time. To me it is still August. I have no idea what happened to the last two and a half months. I want summer and fall of 2008 back!

Tomorrow is my first day in the radiation side of the building. I'm actually really nervous and kind of wish I wasn't going alone. I guess it's just that nothing new lately has been any fun. Silly, huh? By this time next week I'll be a radiation expert and probably bored with it too.

The Next Step - Radiation

2008-11-11T20:39:00.000-08:00

“I only went out for a walk and finally concluded to stay out till sundown, for going out, I found, was really going in.” - John Muir

Most of you know I love to hike, explore, and wander. If I'm out hiking somewhere new it's hard to get me to turn around and head home. I want to just look around the next bend, and the next bend, and the next bend; well you see how I am. There is always something new to see and experience. Who knows if I'll ever be this way again - I don't want to miss anything.

I'm finding I don't have the same wanderlust with this cancer journey. I really would prefer to not see what's around the next bend and I couldn't care less if I miss anything. There have already been a few bends in this adventure - mammogram to biopsy to diagnosis to lumpectomy to port insertion to chemo. Seriously not a fun one in the bunch. Pretty soon I start yet a new bend - radiation. I'm tired /bored/uninterested of/with/in this cancer thing at this point. This Friday I have an appointment with my radiation oncologist and then a radiation simulation. I start the actual radiation on Monday. Then it's six weeks of daily trips to town for a total of three hours of driving every day. While I'm not looking forward to it I know I just have to get it over with. Barring any snow days and hoping they are open the day after Thanksgiving - I should be finished on December 30th. Then I'll be finally done and the Lord willing there will be no more cancer bends to dread. I can go back to my "let's just go see what's around that bend before we turn around" explorations. And I'll never look back.

One good note - the snacks are better on the rads side than the chemo side of the cancer center.

2008-11-09T20:42:00.000-08:00

I am a frayed and nibbled survivor in a fallen world and I am getting along. I am aging and eaten and have done my share of eating, too. I am not washed and beautiful in control of a shining world in which everything fits, but instead am wandering awed about on a splintered wreck I've come to care for, whose gnawed trees breathe a delicate air, whose bloodied and scarred creatures are my dearest companions, and whose beauty beats and shines not in its imperfections, but overwhelmingly in spite of them, under the wind-rent clouds, upstream and down.

- Annie Dillard, Pilgrim at Tinker Creek

The Coyotes Are Howling Tonight

2008-11-06T19:22:00.000-08:00

It sounds like they have the house surrounded. What a cool sound. The neighborhood dogs are joining in. When we first moved here Maddie would bark along but she learned that they never showed up to play with her so now she just rolls her eyes and goes back to sleep.

So, I am back amongst the living. This last chemo sent me for a loop. I spent Thursday night through Tuesday morning pretty much bed bound. I did go out for the BEST strawberry milkshake ever on Sunday but later that night the pain really hit. I went to work again on Tuesday and don't plan any more sick days - at least for chemo. I am still a bit sore, seem to tire very easily, and have a cold / cough that I can't seem to shake.

My eyebrows held on strong but the last of them fell off over the weekend. My eyelashes though are still 80% there!

I think we had close to 100 trick or treaters at the house. Maddie and I were in the bedroom but the door bell sure rang a lot. Mom had to make up some extra candy handouts.

Once again during the worst of the chemo weekend I had all sorts of trouble sleeping. So, I read instead. I started and finished eight books. It helps me enormously to have my mind somewhere other than this bedroom. Most chemo weekends I leaned towards fiction. This time it was mostly adventure non fiction. I read a book about a lady who walked across half of Australia with four camels, I read about an all female trip up Annapurna in the 70s, there was a book about two ladies who traversed Antarctica, the always interesting book about death in the Grand Canyon (not a cancer death in there!), a book with short stories from Colorado river boatmen, and the book I am just now finishing by the guy who hiked from one end of the Grand Canyon to the other under the rim. I think I am ready to get out there and have my own adventures!

I keep meaning to post on this blog. I know there are a few of you keeping up with my progress through it and you worry when I get too quiet for too long. Chemo just seems (seemed) to take away my ability to not only write coherently but the will to write at all. Now I am just so stuck in my own head and I don't want to be. And I don't want to even give a hint of how low I went mentally. I am disappointed with myself. I want to be able to explain it without too much drama but I want to be realistic about it. Each day I feel closer and closer to normal for longer and longer periods of time. I'm sure in a few days or weeks I'll have a posting with all sorts of thoughts about chemotherapy and my experience with it. Until then I am just trying to find my way back to Linda.

And I so hate being bald.

It Is Finished

2008-10-28T20:44:00.000-07:00

Well there was no big celebration to send me on my way. The nurse did do a "chemo is over" dance for me and made me join in. We also went out for a yummy lunch of seafood Mexican. And I was definitely not heart broken to be walking out of the chemo room for the last time (the radiation side of the building has better snacks). I do wish I could say I am super happy tonight but while I am glad to be finished, the heinous hiccups from hell are already here to make sure I know what is coming. I'll be super happy after the weekend - or soon after.

The meeting with the oncologist went very well. I had perfect blood work yet again. He says he will be the the doctor I'll be seeing for the next five years. He put me on Tamoxifen starting tomorrow. I'll start the radiation treatments in three weeks. I can get the port out in three weeks also! And he used the word "cured".

I was really worried about the cost of the Tamoxifen since I will be taking it daily for five years. We got the presciption filled today and with my insurance co-pay they are only $15 a month. Yippee!

Did I mention I can get the port out in three weeks? And that my treatments should be finished by the end of the year? That my hair should start growing in four weeks? That I only have one more bad weekend ahead of me? That I can afford my meds? That despite all my misgivings wondering if I had the strength to get through it - that I had my last chemo treatment today!?!! OK - maybe I am super deliriously happy tonight! I at least feel pretty proud of myself. Tonight I feel like there is nothing I can't handle.